Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/4/2009

Question
I SO hope you can help me. I met this guy about 3 years ago while i was on vacation with my friends. We instantly hit it off, we hung out the entire time together, he even changed his flight back home to be able to spend more time together. We lived in different states so when i got back to my home town, we continued talking on the phone, and within days he booked a flight for me to come visit him. AFTER THAT nothing has been the same. That was 3 years ago, we spoke occasionally after that, saw eachother few times a year...just seemed like a casual thing. Problem is, i am head over heals for him. But i understood we lived in different states so i never pushed. Now i have moved to the same state as him for a better job opportunity. I do see him more now, but it seems as though he is not willing to committ...It's just a friends with benefits type of thing i guess. But when i ask him about it, he says no..it's just that he's very busy, he has a lot going on in his life right now. But i feel like, if he was really interested, he would make more time. What do i do, do i give up and let him go? I think about him NON STOP...i dream about him, it's really bad...I hoped that by living closer we could finally have a relationship, he "says" there isn't another woman, but something is keeping him from taking it further.  

Answer
Hello Maria!

I SO hope I can too!   ;)

You didn't mention how far away you two still are from each other and that makes quite a bit of difference. It's not enough to simply be in the same state, you also have to be within miles of each other if you want to have any sort of real relationship. I sense this is STILL a long-distance situation. If so, you're no better off than you were before the move.

You see, distance creates problems for you that you don't even realize. During all that separation time you have been "filling in the gaps" in your own mind. Those fill-in times are loaded with hopes and dreams and goals and wants and desires, etc. What you've effectively done is to program your mind to be addicted to this guy.

The unfortunate reality is this: he's not really the guy you're addicted to! He's an image and nothing else. Sure, you spent all that time together back 3 years ago and talked on the phone and visited each other once in a while, but you still don't really know who he is.

More important, for whatever reason, he realizes that he's not going to be able to give you his heart - only his body. You missed that all-important "formative period" early on where he could have bonded with you. That chance is now gone and his "window of opportunity" has closed to you.

Now, you're sitting here addicted to a ghost and hoping that I have some magic spell that will make him change his mind. I'm sorry to tell you Maria, I don't. The distance and passing time has already done a huge amount of damage to this relationship that I can't fix. If you had contacted me 3 years ago, we'd have a different situation right now.

At this point you have a choice:

1) Continue with what you're doing now; hoping that he'll change his mind. He's not going to.

2) Snap yourself out of this addition to him, wake up and see where things are, get healed and move on.

At this point, we're in restorative mode. You need to break this addiction so that you can really find the relationship you want - and deserve - to have. It's not going to be with him and realizing and accepting that fact is the first step.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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