Expert: L.E. Coleman - 12/20/2009

Question
Dear Mr.Coleman

I am the same Mehdi who asked you about his love interest and her reluctance to accept love a few months ago. To help you remember, here is a copy of our correspondece:


Subject: Will she trample her own heart?

Volunteer Expert: L.E. Coleman

Question:
QUESTION: Dear Mr.Coleman

I am a 30-year old male. I think you can help me. After an unsuccessful marriage I have recently fallen in love with one of my colleagues. She has been in love before and hurt badly...she says she does love me but cannot marry me exactly because of this, since love will be destroyed after a short time and nothing but differences remain, with seperation the final note. I love her truly and wish to pledge my own life to her for eternity, I want her to trust me but she can't overcome her fears. She says she must crush and trample her heart and forget about love, and marry someone in a classic and traditional marriage, without consideration for love.I am trying to use the law of attraction. So far many things that she refused to believe was possible has happaened between us, but she still insists we will get separated in the end. Yet she continues to call me and enjoys my romantic behaviour. She tries hard to conceal her own feelings but I can sense it easily. She is in denial of her own heart and love!! I have tried not to force her emotionally but my love for her just pours out! I can't stop myself from loving her, I feel I MUST be true to my own heart. I am sending a 100 percent pure love for her into the universe, something I visualize
as a river of molten gold. I visualize her as already being my wife, I call her my lady, my love and life. I also have a strong faith in God and believe in Him wanting the best for me. I have been 100% pure and honest with her, I love her more than my own life and will gladly give it up to protect her from harm. Will I succeed in changing her intentions? And can I do anything more?

Thanks a lot
Mehdi

ANSWER: Dear Mehdi:

After all you've said, the final two sentences you wrote are the most telling: "Will I succeed in changing her intentions? And can I do anything more?"

There's no way to change another person's intention, they are uniquely dynamic to the individual personality only.  If we could use the law of attraction to make others ours without their innermost consent it would be like a violation of the person.
God does not give us this power. This young woman knows that you love her dearly and that you've done all you can do to show her how much you love her. At this point in her spiritual development you would not want to go any further with her even though you feel that you just can't let her go. The question of whether or not there's anything more that you can do reveals a fear that you might lose her to someone else.  You know this to be true if you examine yourself and your emotions thoroughly.  Your fear will attract the very thing that you don't want--her in the arms of someone else.  Surrender your desire to God for a woman who is specifically suited for you.  Don't worry about this woman being the 'one.'  If she's the one for you there's absolutely no way the universe will let her get away.  You must step back and let the universe do the work.  The intention for a mate has already been made. You're trying to tell the universe to give you this specific person.  Thus, it's not the universe or God that's the deciding factor--you are!
This sort of thinking is okay for material things in this physical reality. But she is not a physical thing.  She's a spirit with the same creative powers you have.  If you can stand it, step back and let her make up her mind about what she wants. Don't try to convince her of anything.  If you do you will only be trying to manipulate her into being with you.  Even if she got together with you I believe the relationship wouldn't last because her decision to be with you would come from the outside(your convincing and manipulating) and not from her own inner heart.  Love her from a distance.  This is the hardest thing you'll ever do. But it's the only way if you really want to see if she's the 'ONE.'

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Mr.Coleman

You are right, I fear losing her to someone else and since she is a virgin and me a divorced man with a child, it is very possible that this will happen (due to our culture which states she has a higher status than me and should normally marry someone like herself,unmarried with no strings to the past attached, like a child.) Her family are trying to bring this about, by introducing such persons into her life. How can I sit back and do nothing and see her go the arms of another? How can I allow her to commit emotional suicide? Her heart is pure and kind, though deeply wounded from the past. I know she deserves love and wants it as much as I do. Are you telling me not to try to convince her of her mistake? I know I can make her happy.I have no intention of MANIPULATING her. I just want her to chose true love over tradition. Can this be done?

Mehdi


ANSWER: Dear Mehdi:

I know that you have already tried to convince her of her mistake. I know this because I know you love her.  No man in his right mind is going to let go of someone he loves without fighting for her. But the fighting (or trying to convince her of her mistake) can only bring  about more resistance.  Force is always met with counter resistance. It doesn't matter whether the force comes in the package of genuine love or not. Think about this seriously.  Where has your attempts at convincing her gotten you?  Yes, she deserves a man like you. However,  until she can see this and has the courage to act on her love for you outside of family or religious tradition, there's no amount of convincing her that's going to change her mind.  The more you try, the more you will see things slip away.  I know this is something you don't want to hear but it is true nevertheless. Think of it this way: until she can work her way through the pain from her previous relationships she will be unable to love anyone in a way that will make her partner happy.  This includes you.  You can't see this right now because all your focus is on how much you love her, not how much she loves you. You must become like water which has the potential to wear down even the hardest rock.  The water is able to do this because it remains true to it's nature. It does not try to intentionally wear down the rock but does so simply by being itself. Tell her that you love her with all your heart and you always will.  In time, if the universe has brought the two of you together, not even tradition will be able to stand in your way.  And if not, in time you will remember her but your love may be given to another who is able to reciprocate your love.  We don't know how things will turn out at this point. Like water, we must let the currents of our love and life carry us. Allah sees everything and will not abandon you in your quest for true love.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: My dear Mr.Coleman

You indeed seem to be a man in peace with God and his surroundings, and possess a very deep knowledge of how these things work...

Once again you are right. Every time I have tried to ask and persuade her of anything I have met resistance. But when I let go of her and just wait, she comes along and offers or says the very thing I have been fighting for. I have seen this many times but still it is unbelievably hard to contain myself. What you said about being like water was really enlightening, I will try to keep it in mind and act accordingly...I have fought through so many emotional hardships and I thought I had seen it all, but it seems I was wrong. You know sometimes I feel like a warrior who has fought all his life, and now is yearning to find a place, in which he can sheath his sword and lay down his weary body for an eternal rest. I hope SHE is the answer. And tell me, is it possible that God is testing me? Do you think I will pass the test? I just want to love and be loved, and live like a true man, with honor and honesty.

P.S.I am thinking of showing her these Qs & As...Am I being too honest with her? Do you think it is a good idea or will it scare her away?

Answer:
Dear Mehdi:

Something tells me that you are well underway to finding that rest. You are learning a valuable lesson about yourself and what you can control and what you cannot.  My prayer is that SHE is the one. We simply don't know yet.  Lay down your weapons.  You've already fought the good fight. You must go with the flow of life. Always remember that fear always bring the things we fear the most. Lay all your desires at the feet of God and in due time you will find 'that' love which you deserve. The willingness to be pliable and open and honest about what you feel and how you feel is a quality few men possess. I have seldom found it in a man of your age.  I'm 51 years old and I don't believe I was as willing to fight the fight you have fought.  Perhaps it is not so much as God testing you, but that you are learning how to move and love in this physical reality.  Nevertheless, God is always witnessing this movement and cheering you on.
You can show her our communication if you like only if you have no expectation that it will change her mind in any way.  Judge for yourself why you want her to read the emails and be honest about your intentions.  If it is to show her how much you love her, it's okay. Just don't have any expectation that it will change her mind.  I believe that it's impossible for true love to escape you because your deepest intent is on sharing your love with a wonderful woman who will love you in return.  This will happen in due time.

God Bless you, my friend.  Take Care.

Have any other questions? Try one of our experts at http://www.allexperts.com

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Well, to follow up on the story, at the end she didn't accept my proposal and went on to accept one of her suitors that her family had chosen, although with a lot of doubt and tears! She even called me on the night when she was supposed to be bethroted to be married two months later. When I told her because of this our relationship had to end completely and we should not call or meet each other, she begged me to stay with her! She swore she would kill herself if she couldn't see me anymore. Yet I insisted, and for a time we did not see or heard from each other. Yet after a month there came one night a SMS from her. When I queried her about this she told me she had broken up with her fiance, because she couldn't bear being with him and all the time thinking of me, so she had dumped him. After this our relationship got back to the old days, but still she is talking about how it's imposibble for us to get married and how she is afraid that our love shall end in disaster. She even tested me with a lie about having married before to see wether I would still want her, which of course I passed and she was jubilant, but still insisted about us not destined to be together. She is driving me nuts. SHE was the one who started and RESTARTED this in the first place. SHE was the one who dumped her finace at great social cost to her family and herself because she couldn't bear not to be with me. SHE is the one who will go crazy if I show up late at work. YET she STILL doesn't accept that she can't marry someone else while she is in love with me. I have no idea why she thinks so bitterly about love. Even that past romance can't explain THIS level of animosity towards love. I have never seen or experienced anyone like this. Currently she refuses all other suitors but won't marry me either, and I have to refuse all the girls my mother introduces to me because of her. AND for WHAT? She is just torturing both of us! What should I do? Please help me...

Yours
Mehdi


Answer
Hi Mehdi.

You'll have to do what you have not wanted to do all along;break all personal contact with her off the job. If you don't end this yourself, your pain will be never ending;and she'll just keep dangling you along.  Your mind was made up a long time ago, but her's wasn't. You want a serious relationship where you can devote your love and attention to someone who will receive it and return it back to you. This is not happening because she doesn't know what she wants;if she did, she'd make a commitment to share her life with you no matter what anybody else thought.  She's playing games with you right now, and she will continue to do so if you let her.  
I know you love her dearly;I can hear it in the way you talk about her.  However, the feelings between the two of you are not the same. God can only put a blessing in an open hand.  If you are trying to hold on to something you never really possessed, how can he give you the woman who will truly make you happy. A true soul mate does not torture us because she wants us to feel good about being with, loving her, and spending our life with her. Don't weep over something you've never possessed. You must be willing to let go of her in order to receive your dream.   

God Bless you,my friend.

L.E. Coleman