Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/1/2009

Question
QUESTION: Since age 20 I have secretly been in love with this man. He approached me, but I ran because I was a goody two shoes type.  He was 9 years older, married but separated. He was not the one woman man, but women.  Still I was attracted to him, but kept my distance.  Now 30 years later he saw me and acted thrilled to see me. He handed me his card and told me he had become a minister.  Who, him? OMG I was in love all over.  Anyway, he told my daughter how hard he tried to get me but I rejected him.  After a friends funeral I finally got up the nerve to tell him I always secretly loved him and ran from temptation, plus he was too out there: drinking, women, drugs. He said ask if it he could come over for dinner, and a beer because he knew he could be himself around me.  He didn't say anything about being interested in me other than he has always had a crush on me.  He even went on to tell me how his 30 year daughters friends compliment him and it makes him feel good. I called him to say hello, but he hasn't called me, but did say don't wait so long to call. Could he be interested in meand holding back cause I rejected him before.  Is it okay for me to invite him over for a beer/dinner/period? Am I opening myself up for a let down?  But, we can't help how we feel about a person.  Why?

ANSWER: Hello Stephanie!

Wow. What a pathetic, tragic waste of time and energy. 30 years? Frankly, it sickens me to think that this has gone on this long and for what? All so that you could play games with this guy, run away (hoping he'd chase you) and out of fear???

Stephanie, you'd be surprised at how many women are doing exactly what you did right here. There's nothing romantic about this at all. It's deeply, deeply sad that you've wasted all this time running instead of having what you could have had. Fear, games, manipulation or whatever reason you did these things haven't helped your 30 years at all. They've hurt them terribly - and you'll never get them back. What's even more tragic is that I talk to so many women today that are doing exactly the same things you did way back then, today. These same [dumb] women are going to be writing this exact same letter to me in 30 years too.

Yes, ABSOLUTELY you need to get on that phone the very second after you've read this response and get him over for dinner! You need to try to make something of what you've wasted 30 years NOT doing. Is that really how you want to live your life, only to get to the end of it and regret all the things you DIDN'T do????

You just got one of the very few "lucky breaks" that life throws at you. If you don't take advantage of it, don't expect to see any more of them. Life has a way of denying you these sorts of opportunities if you don't grab them and hold on.

Yes, OF COURSE you risk being let down and even being hurt! What sort of relationship would it be if you didn't have this? Not much of one, I dare say! Don't live your life trying to avoid pain. By now you must know that's impossible! You only exchange one sort of pain for another doing that. Instead, go after what you want already!

The only reason why you SHOULD do this is that you want this. You can either go get what you want or settle for the meager scraps that life throws you by not asking for more.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Mr. Neder:
I may have misunderstood but were you, are you calling me dumb by saying, "These same [dumb] women are going to be writing this exact same letter to me in 30 years too. Playing games with men"  And, I think you misunderstood me.  I didn't run from him because I wanted him to chase me and I wasn't hoping or waiting for him to do so.  

I said I ran from him because at that time he was what seemed much older than me, he had a reputation for humping everything in a skirt that looked his way, he was a drinker and got into drugs.  So excuse me if I didn't let lust lead me or choose the path of following his wicked ways, be one of his many women, or let him lead me to the path of destruction that he himself was on.  By the way that is what lead him become a minister.  Not too mention that I think his crush on me was only lust, and I knew giving myself to him would not have lead to a future together because he was married but separated.  I would have just been another notch on his bedpost.  

However, like I said my feelings for him have always be genuine.  We can't help how we feel about a person no matter how many years have gone by.  If you love them you love them but you don't have to let that be your downfall.  Had I followed or gave into to him that would have been tragic and pathetic because I would have knowingly allowed myself to be used and do whatever was pleasing to him to trying to hold onto him.  
  
Now since 30 years have pasted, maybe he has matured and settled down.  Which brings me back to my original question: Would it be okay to invite him over?  I would not be expecting anything, especially not a romantic dinner, a roll in the hay and a happily ever after.  He's not that type it seems.  And still he's a ladies man.  So even with being called Pastor he is still somewhat the person he has always been.  

I am not lonely, but no I don't want to be alone either.  "Lucky break" since writing you, within the past 12 hours I found out that he is married, but he failed to mention to me.  So should I still get on the phone and as you say ABSOLUTELY invite him over?  Tell me now where is the "lucky break" you're talking about?  Tell me why does he want to come over?  So it seems that although I haven't changed, neither has he!  

You may give good advice to many and in some case be right...but I think you owe me an apology for such a cold harsh assuming response to me.  Especially the part about the DUMB women playing games with now like I did with him then.  You should take time to read each letter and answer it individually, not clump them all together.  Now had I not found out he was married I would have invited him over and then what.  You tell me Mr. Dr. where would that have left me after following your professional or expertadvice?

Answer
Hello again Stephanie!

I can only answer questions based on what someone tells me. I think it's a dumb choice to want something for 30 years and to not pursue it. Even smart people make dumb decisions all the time.

If he's married and you don't want to date a married man, do you really need me to tell you whether you should invite him over for dinner or not?

I think you made one of these dumb choices 30 years ago. Who knows what might have become of it? Certainly you don't nor do I. Perhaps his reputation was undeserved, or maybe you may have been the woman for whom he'd change his ways. We could speculate all day long about what could have been, but the one thing we know is that 30 years have gone by and nothing became of it.

These exact same games are what many women are using today thinking that they'll get what they want through them. In reality, they're simply setting themselves up (as you did) for long-term failure.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"