Expert: Lanay Stockstill - 2/2/2009

Question
Dear Lanay,
Long story short, I have been friends for 12 years with a man, who was 12 years ago my boyfriend. Since our parting ways 12 years ago, we never lost touch, we speak off and on frequently and had the occasional hook ups, whether either of us were in a relationship or not. Anyhow, lately we have been chatting more frequently, we are both single now, and have spent a lot of time together. I have stronger feelings for him now than I ever have, and he tells me frequently that he loves me, that I am one of a kind, I know how to make him happy, and when he lets me go on the phone says I will be thinking about you. We have not had the conversation about whether or not he is just saying these things because we are such close friends or if he means it in a more want to date you perpective. Seeings how we are so close and have been for years, I have played it off as we are just friends, but now I am not so sure, in the past when we would talk and get together (Hook up) he never spoke that way to me, it was more like, I'm having a hard time, will you comfort me and then we will talk a few months later. What can I make of his comments on loving me an things like that? We are not currently sleeping together and haven't been for the 4 months we have been talking consistently now. It been over a year since we "hooked up" Is this man looking for something more, but is afraid of rejection, or not ready, or can I take his comments for a friendly love?

Answer
Hi Julie,

This is a tough one.  When the lines of friendship are blurred with sex it becomes very difficult to know exactly where you stand.  

The friends with benefits situation may lead you or him to think of each other more seriously when you are not dating anyone.  As a result you may be assigning feelings to this person that you wouldn't normally.  

What you really need to ask yourself is "What do you want in a partner?"  Define what it is that you desire in a partner.  What are his values?  How will he treat you?   What does he want out of life?  Does he want kids or not?  Is he social or more reserved?  What are the deal breakers?

Once you've defined your ideal mate compare whether or not your friend fits what you want.  If he does, there are a variety of ways you can find out what his intentions are.  You can be straight forward and ask, but guys don't always respond positively when they're caught off guard.  They tend to clam up with this approach.  

The other way you can handle it is by making yourself a little less available to him.  Make him work a little harder for your time by calling ahead.  If he doesn't, move on.

Look at his actions too.  Men speak with their actions. Does he call ahead and go out of his way to spend time with you?  Does he take you on outings that are dates?  If not, you definitely need to consider moving on.

Best Regards,

Lanay