Expert: Lanay Stockstill - 2/19/2009

Question
I am in a casual sexual relationship. I know this is not a good thing. How do I tell him I do not want to have just a sexual relationship with him after allowing this type of behavior for a long time, I care very much for him and I believe he cares for me too. He's been a widower for six years. Being in a committed relationship conversation doesn't come up in our conversations. When I say no sex he agrees with me. But as soon as we are together his agreement with my "NO" decision is forgotten. I have sex with him and he goes back to being arrogant. I don't want to lose him. But I want to know how to have a "no sex" conversation with him and this time he finally gets the message and respects me for my decision.
runea

Answer
Runea,

I know how frustrating a relationship like that can be.  You find yourself getting attached and blocking yourself off emotionally from the possibility of meeting someone that wants more from you than a casual commitment.  When a guy like this, he may never want to commit no matter how you handle a situation.  

Think about it this way.  You're in a cycle of insanity that you can't get out of.  Insanity is described as repeating the same process over and over expecting a different outcome.  So, you've tried having the no sex talk a couple times.  It didn't seem to stick, so what else can you do?  What haven't you tried?  Maybe you shouldn't spend as much time with him.  If he isn't around, you can't be tempted and vice versa.

Sometimes the only way to get some respect is to take it by respecting yourself first.  Stick to your guns.  This guy isn't for you because he and you seem to want different things.  You can't change that.  He isn't going to commit.  When you start thinking about him, remember that.  Remember that you're breaking out of the insanity.  You're respecting yourself and taking control.  

Happy Mardi Gras,

Lanay