Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/21/2009

Question
Hi Dennis,

I'm a very successful woman who works for a large PR firm. I have been promoted quite quickly. I also happen to be very attractive and when we have business luncheons, a lot of the older male CEOs in other companies tend to hit on me, and not talk to anyone else in our group, and call me 'hey gorgeous, how ya doin beautiful' in front of my coworkers, which makes me very uncomfortable.

It has also caused a great deal of resentment from my coworkers. Obviously this infuriates my female coworkers, but lately it has angered the male coworkers as well since I have been promoted to manager status quite quickly.

Now everyone at work is making a lot of snide remarks about me and laughing when I pass by. I'm excluded from all activities and luncheons. Even, I have heard them discussing me and making comments about my small breast size and laughing, etc.

This is both the men and women, by the way.

And the thing is, this happens at EVERY job I've been to! I do really hard work, don't socialize too much but just keep my head down and do my job and get out, and people ALWAYS start hating me. Especially when either a) I get promoted promptly or b) I get a lot of attention from males, which causes women to hate me naturally, and then sooner or later the men hate me too becuase they see me as using my looks/body/sex appeal/whatever as a natural advantage that they can't

For example, I got a reward the other day that since I had done good work, I got to go out 2 nights with the other older male execs to Red Lobster for luncheon. When I left for the business luncheon, my other coworkers that were staying behind said in a NASTY tone "have fun at Red Lobster! Be sure to pick up all the leftover burned scraps off the buffet and toss them to us!"

(I'm a bit confused, Red Lobster doesn't have a buffet? even for special events its still just orders like a regular restuarant? but oh well whatever)

Get this - the next day at work - all of them went to Red Lobster together for lunch and excluded me! lol

oh my god these peopel are SOOOO jealous. this is really getting annoying. Um...I'm not sure how to go about this. Shoudl I ignore my coworkers? or just act normal, be really freindly to them, etc. - Kristin

Answer
Hello Kristen!

Part of doing well at work is playing the politics. Doing your job well (and to be honest EVERYONE thinks they do their job well - you may or may not relative to others!) also means building linkages with your co-workers. Frankly, that part of the job you've failed.

Consider this: let's say that you had formed bonds with some of the women there, would you be in this same situation? No, you wouldn't. They'd see you as a teammate, not as a competitor or threat to their jobs. That's going to be much more difficult to do now.

You need to see everything you get involved with in this same vein. Whether it's your job or civic organization or volunteer opportunity or social network or club, it's the same game over and over again. You can be the best deliverer of services to your company but fail miserably because you have no social connection with those that you work with.

Here's a great example of the same thing: Howard Hughes. If you know anything about him, I'm sure you'd say that he was a financial success, but I doubt anyone would consider him a REAL success simply because he was socially deviant. In the later years of his life, mental illness got hold of him and caused him to shun the rest of the world to become a prisoner of his own making.

Is this the sort of "success" you want to be? I'd hope not. That's not much of a life!

Here's what I suggest you do:

For the next 3 months, I encourage you to see how many bridges you can build with your co-workers; especially those you consider to be the least friendly with you. Find out about their kids. Learn their birthdays and bring them a home-made treat or two. Find out everything you can find out and make some detailed notes about these people. This can even become a game if you like!

As you succeed in your job for whatever reason: your work product, your looks or because you're sleeping with the boss (kidding!) or whatever, be humble about it. Thank the contributions of those around you - no matter how small - and recognize THEIR needs to be part of successes too.

As you build these bridges you're going to find that your co-workers no longer see you as a threat, but far more important, they'll change their opinion of you and what has made you successful. You're going to find a very direct correlation between their attitudes toward you and your investment in them.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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