Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/13/2009

Question
I'm 19 years old and I find it very hard to actually get boyfriends because I'm so shy around them. I want to be able to flirt and be comfortable around them but my way of doing it is ignoring them as if they don't exist and just shutting up never saying a word and people would say yeah great that's playing hard to get but the thing is it never works!! and I don't do it intentionally to play hard to get but I'm just so shy and my confidence is so low I'm afraid of saying a word.
Now I read all this advice on the internet saying "just talk and be interesting, be funny, be confident" but thats easier said than done, and what do you if you have a problem "being interesting and funny" in the first place?
I never know what to say (yes I also read, keep asking questions etc. etc. but what??) and then I never manage to keep the conversation going and they never seem satisfied by my answers or reactions and it just ends up completely messed up! Even when I try to be confident and not seem shy I get called "shy girl".
I've only had one boyfriend for a week because he was visiting from another country for two years and I liked him for 4 months and only managed to tell him in the last week he was here and before that I've had no relationships whatsoever. I've had interest from guys, lots of interest, but nothing ever, ever happens.
I really need help with this please..

Answer
Hello Lisa!

Let's get this little fact out in the open first: playing "hard to get" is the dumbest, worst game there is if you actually WANT to start dating someone. It's a tool from the last millennium and does NOT work in today's modern dating world. If you really want to learn how to start dating, you've got to give up this tired, ragged old technique. It's only hurt you so far and will continue to do so.

Lisa, there's a lot of sociology behind all of this that I'm not going to get into, but suffice it to say that guys no longer know how to react to this. When you pull the "hard to get" game, guys simply go off and find easier (smarter!) targets. You've already found this to be true, haven't you? So, why do you persist in thinking this is the way to land a guy?

Actually, don't answer that: I already know why: other girls, the media and even so-called experts (many right here on this forum) actually RECOMMEND this dumb game to you girls! All it does is to prevent you connecting with guys. So, let's agree - just you and me - to END this right now so you CAN have what you want, ok?

Repeat with me:

Never again.
Never again.
Never again.

Ok, let's move on...

Here's another show-stopper: it's the old, "Just be yourself" (JBY) game.

I'm sorry to tell you that JBY is a bunch of ineffective, feel-good advice from people that don't have any other skills or help to offer you.

You've just been yourself your entire life and that hasn't worked out so well so far. That's not to say that there's anything wrong with you. In fact, I'll bet that's quite the contrary! I'll bet you have a TON to offer the right guy. The problem is in your marketing.

You have to learn how to express that to any potential boyfriend! I call it "Just Be Your BEST Self" - and expressing it outwardly.

That's why play hard to get doesn't work! Any guy you pull this crap with never gets too see what your benefits are! What would happen if some company with a great product played hard to get with it? That seems ridiculous - almost laughable - doesn't it? Then, why in the hell would YOU ever use that technique to market yourself?

Let me give you a technique to get over the "shy girl complex".

Start by asking yourself, "What are the guys that I meet most interested in?" Now, your first answer ("sex!") is wrong. Sure, guys want sex, but that's not what they are MOST interested in. In fact, guys are interested in exactly the same thing everyone else else is: themselves.

Go back and re-read that again and again until it sinks in.

Doesn't it make sense? We are all primarily interested in ourselves! We all know the most about ourselves, focus on our own benefits, etc. Again, this is yet another reason why playing hard to get doesn't work! It goes directly against our own personal best interests!

So, what if you learned to exploit that fact to your benefit? How? Simple: when you meet and engage a guy, focus on his primary interest. ASK him about himself! Ask him about his background, about what he does for fun, about his goals and joys and history and future, etc.

The more you get to know him, the more interesting YOU become! I teach my male students this technique and it works like a charm with girls. Frankly, it works even better with guys because we're so surprised when a girl actually does this (because so few of you do!) that we walk away damn impressed.

Learn to ask "open ended" questions when you first meet someone. These are questions that take more than a one-word answer. For instance, if you ask some guy, "Do you like tennis?" you're going to get either a "yes" or a "no". On the other hand, if you ask him, "What do you like MOST about tennis?" He's going to go off on a long-winded monologue about tennis.

Do you see the difference?

Hopefully, he's going to want to know about you too and will ask you about yourself. Don't get all shy now! This is the time to tell him little bits about why you'd be a great girlfriend! Besides, who knows you better than yourself?

You should also learn other skills as well. You should learn how to approach guys you're interested in. Believe me, this is EASY for girls to do - and even fun! You have a lot more tools to do this than even us guys have! If you want to learn more about this, there's a eBook on my website (http://BeingAMan.com) just for women called, "How Women Can Approach Men" that goes into all of this in great detail.

Lisa, I've given you a long letter with a ton of advice. You need to start treating this like a class rather than a certification. You never get out of "dating class" the rest of your life, so continue to seek out these things. Just be sure to get the RIGHT information! Stop listening to anyone that tells you to play hard to get. They simply don't know what they're talking about. Trust me.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"