Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/4/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi, okay. I'm in my early thirties, guys hit on me, and I just want to hang out, do things, not have sex. Every time I hang out with a guy, he thinks I eventually wanna "get down" with him. I've kept trying to believe this "friend thing" with guys works, but it's only worked with 10% or less with the guys I talk/hang out with. If I were to first meet a guy, it would sound so dumb and pretentious to say, "I just want to be friends okay"? They would think, "Man, she must be so full of herself to think I wanted to get with her or something." So I silently hang out with them, and that's when trouble starts. I wanna be friends, they wanna "get down."

I get hit on by guys. I really don't know how to get to know them. The whole intentional "dating scene" terrifies me. The thought of your date thinking whether or not you "are the one" for them over an hour's worth of dinner sounds so cheesy to me. Post date- I don't like having to dodge guys I have no romantic interest in, and I don't want to hurt their feelings. I am not full of myself, because I've been on the other end of the stick too.

At the rate I'm at I'll probably be single for the rest of my life. It's gotten to the point where people and guys constantly asking me why I'm single, they think I'm a slut because I'm in my thirties with still no one, they say I'm picky, etc, etc.

So how can I hang out with guys harmlessly and avoid that whole "dating scene" kind of notion. But not sound like I'm full of myself, or that I'm rejecting them. I get hit on, and I feel as if I pursue their lead, they will think, "Yea, she must want some"!

I know I'm at an age where most women would've been married and popped out babies by now. I think there must be something wrong with me. I feel like guys take too much time, meaning that whole bf/gf/husband/wife relationship thing is too time consuming. The thought of me being trapped with one person for the rest of my life kind of scares me. The thought of watching after husband, babies, cooking, cleaning all day terrifies me.

I can think of a handful of guys (I barely know) that I wouldn't mind getting to know. I still linger onto my ex boyfriend of five to ten years past. (We don't have sex) I don't think I'm butt ugly. But it's the heart that matters right? When guys are interested in me, and they barely know me, it makes me feel queezy a little bit because they have nothing to go off, but the way I look. So it's a little bit off putting to me. (I'm not saying I'm a pagaent queen or nothing.) At least have something in common with me, but whatever.

I've had so many problems with straight guys, that the only guy friends I can hang out with now, without problems, are gay guys. I look around my social scene, and I'm just with a flock of gay guys.

Okay so I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm in my thirties, and still clueless.

Thanks for your help.

Signed,
Possibly single for life,
Charlie



ANSWER: Hello Charlie!

Whoa! Where do I begin with you here?? Yes, I agree. If you continue to do what you're doing now, you're going to be single the rest of your life. You have some serious problems with your goals not meeting your delivery - and a bunch of other things.

Let me begin with a story. Trust me, it's important:

Let's say that you invent the world's greatest mousetrap. It's perfect in every way. It's more expensive, but because it works so well, but you believe it's entirely worth it.

So, you tell a few friends about it. You go into all the most intimate details about what it does, how it works and all the work you put in to invent it.

The problem is that, you go bankrupt because nobody buys it.

You get angry because other people are so stupid that they don't see what an incredible trap it is. You become convinced that it can't possibly be your trap, it has to be that the world is flawed because these people are willing to settle for "good enough" and get a trap that costs $1 instead of yours that costs $9.

This story parallels your dating life!

You haven't bothered to learn about and understand your "target market" - what guys want and need. All you know is exactly what YOU want and how you want the world to be. So, you continue to hold out waiting for the world to change to be the way YOU want it to be rather than discovering how the rest of the world works and adjusting your own attitudes, goals, desires, techniques, etc. to fit it - and to be successful within it.

More important, until you DO change that attitude, you're going to stay exactly where you are. Charlie, the problem in this story isn't your mousetrap at all. It's you.

You see, this is the problem: you want your target market (guys) to be just how you want them to be. You're not dealing at all with the realities of them being the way they already are. You don't even want to get to know who these guys are - what they really want and what they expect - you want them to bend to YOUR way of doing things and you can't even communicate to them what that is. You feel it's "pretentious".

You have the same disease that I see so many western women carrying around: expectation and entitlement.

You believe that because what you want is so important to you that it'd better be important to any guy that approaches you or you're simply going to punish him by not being interested. You don't even bother to realize that he has his own needs and goals too. Even worse, you don't see that other women HAVE addressed this target market successfully and guys aren't going to settle for what you want when they can have what THEY want while giving their girls what they need in the process!

We have a word for this: "selfish"; but it's selfishness to an extreme. It's entirely inwardly focused, it's entirely self-absorbed.

If you can, try to imagine for just a moment how your target market sees this (and trust me, this DO see it - in exactly the way I've described!) They see it as them spending their lives trying only to make you happy - while denying their own needs in the process.

Would YOU date someone like that? Of course not! How in the hell could you EVER hope that someone else would??? I don't know whether that's arrogance or ignorance on your part. Maybe it's both.

Let's begin with a few basics here - the "realities":

1) Yes, when men meet you all they have to go on is your looks. That's what attracts them initially.

2) Men aren't idiots. They can get to know much about you very quickly. It doesn't mean that they can learn your entire history in just one or two dates, but they sure as hell can learn what you're all about.

3) The history will come later if a relationship begins.

4) You want them to be your friends first. You do this out of fear of being hurt and being used or not getting all of your needs met, etc.

5) In fact, this will PREVENT you from ever having close, loving relationships that are filled with passion. You're actually trying to bleed all the passion right out of them by going so slowly as to avoid any possibility of getting hurt.

6) Relationships don't work this way! Frankly, neither do friendships.

7) You aren't even a good friend for these guys! No wonder heterosexual guys aren't interested.

8) Of COURSE men want to get to the sex part. You don't understand how men think and are wired. You think it's only about getting you naked. All you know is that YOU don't want to have sex and expect that some guy should just put up with that wall.

9) Charlie, we already have lots of walls to climb every day. We don't want to have to climb one with our potential girlfriends; especially one that will turn into even MORE walls to climb if you become a REAL girlfriend!

10) You don't understand WHY men need to get the sex out of the way. Whereas you (being a girl) use sex (if you're even interested in it in the first place - it doesn't appear so from your message) to bond and create closeness and intimacy. Men on the other hand use it to determine if we WANT TO bond with you in the first place!

11) The longer you hold off getting sex out of the way, the greater risk you take on of losing the guy's heart altogether because...

12) Men aren't going to wait for you to get all settled and comfortable. We want passion in our lives and relationships even more than you do.

13) More important, men have a limited "window of opportunity" where you can get close to our emotional sides. However, if you try to hold things off (the physical part of the relationship) that window will close.

14) When it does close, we'll still have sex with you by the way, but you'll have missed out because you'll no longer have access to our hearts.

Charlie, I have a feeling that this long letter is going to fall on deaf ears. I really believe that you're so mired in wanting things to be the way you want them that all of this reality is going to be ignored. I hope that's not the case because until you DO start accepting this as the way things are and dealing with it as an adult, you're going to be alone.

Look ahead at your life - there's going to be a long string of lonely Valentine's Days, birthdays, holidays, etc., until you change your mind about things. THAT is even more reality.

DROP the expectation that the world should bend to meet your wishes and DROP the sense of entitlement that you should have it regardless of what the rest of the world wants.

START to discover how things REALLY work - not for you, you already know all about this - but for everyone else.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi, thanks for your detailed assistance/explanation. Some of that was kind of rough to read actually. No one's told it to me like that before. I would like to try anything before I let it go. I can try this for one to five years and see how things go. :( I just went through life (through my twenties, etc) getting tired of guys wanting nooky from me. I'm not saying my you-know-what is the holy grail, but I knew guys just wanted to get some, and it made me feel uncomfortable. To this day, that kind of stuff makes me feel uncomfortable when I can sense it from a guy (in the things they say, etc.) But whatever, that's guys, life and human nature right? I guess I have to figure out if I even want a husband, get married, or even have kids. Or do I want to do this just because it's societal norms for women to fulfill these motherly roles. But I'm sure there's guys out there that are okay with not having kids also. You already knew what the problem was with me- I like to hang out with guys; really, just hang out do things, have fun. But you say the world is bending to me. :( That guys aren't going to wait around to hang out, they want to cut to the chase. I guess I could be living in fantasy island here. Maybe that's why this whole friend thing doesn't work out very well, and all my friends are gay guys :( I guess I'll just hang out, and date (whatever they call it these days)  guys I can see "getting with." Which means I need to cut down my time in guys that "read more into the relationship than I do." I guess I could "give it up" if I'm hot and horny and they're STD free and I won't get pregnant. That's my other paranoia. I guess it does go against my philosophy but I could try taking my "wall of entitlement" down as you call it. I guess I could be selfish because I want to "hang out" and "be friends" while guys want to have sex, get to know me, date, see if I'm wife material, gf material, etc.

I'll read this again and again from time to time, and I'll update you on my dating life. Man, my guy/dating life is sad. There's this one guy I knew- all he tells me all day is that I'll spend the rest of the holidays and my old age by myself; kind of like what you tell me. Heh. And my psychologist thinks I'm sad too. He says I don't "give guys a chance." Blah blah on looks you gonna think I sound full of myself but people tell me all the time I'm attractive; from girls and guys. Hm. I've even cut my hair really butch to detract guys from hitting on me. I'm wierd huh. People even think I'm a lesbian. I was even starting to think that myself since I was so abnormal from the rest of the female population, but maybe I'm still straight. Okay, I'm diverting now.

Back to the point, I could be selfish, only thinking of my needs, and not others. I'd like to have an open mind and try your program for one to five years. I'll update you okay.

Thanks again for your help, really. I felt comfortable expressing myself honestly in this forum. And your answer, (whatever your opinion may be), is pretty good, whether I like to hear it or not. I'm trying to say you have good explanation/insight/opinion on this matter; I can tell by the way you write/ what you say.

Okay, thanks.

Answer
Hello again Charlie!

Don't bother trying "anything" - do the right things instead. Also, don't give yourself a time limit on how long to study this. It's a life-long class. Did you figure you'd just try to walk 1-5 times and if you didn't get it right, you'd give up? Well, I bet it took longer than that, and I'll bet you're walking around today!

Yes, you DO have to figure out what you want. If you want to be married and have a family, fine. If not, fine too! It doesn't matter what your goals are, there are plenty of guys that feel the same way. The problem is that you've been focusing only on your needs.

You need to get your goals straight, and then put them aside. You need to "evolve" to learn to become the woman that fits the dreams of the man that shares your goals.

Unfortunately, you have a lot of misconceptions about guys and what we want, what we need, etc. This is why it's an education process for you. You need to begin to see the world through your target market's eyes so that you can begin to meet it.

The first place to start is with your fear of sex.

SO WHAT if someone wants to have sex with you? That's a GOOD thing! You've imbued it with all sorts of negative connotations. You don't "give up" anything when you have sex with someone - you get tons and tons of rewards for it. This is a VERY unhealthy attitude you have about sex and this should be the first place to begin fixing things.

Sex is about communication and connection with someone else, but it needs to start with yourself. You need to learn to become an incredibly good masturbator. You need to spend time discovering both how your own body works physically, but how your emotions and fantasies work together. You also need to grow those fantasies so that you can direct them towards - and share them and explore them with - another partner.

Of course, I'm not saying you should jump in bed with every potential suitor, but you should see that as one step along the way to what you want. You need to build your own confidence here so that you have it to give to someone else.

Yes, you also need to be open to guys - to give them a chance. If someone approaches you, it's because HE wants to get to know you. It's not all he wants is to bang you and that's it. There's a lot of investing he knows he has to do. What about YOUR investing? It begins with being open to possibilities.

Charlie, grow your hair back out. Grow your education about men. Open your posture and your attitude to possibilities when you meet guys. See them for what they are - people with their own goals and dreams and needs. As soon as you do, you'll start seeing what's really great in people.

More important, you'll start having new levels of joy and passion in your life because of those you let in.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"