Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 2/21/2009

Question
Hi Susan,

Lately a lot of men have been rejecting me because they see me as too serious, too smart, and the "marrying kind"

They think I am too stiff to date...that I would only want a serious relationship and not open to anything else.

These are all types of men that are rejecting me, by the way.

What do you suggest?

Answer
It sounds to me like you want to date for marriage and that you are apologizing for it.  Don't apologize to me for it.  It's good you know what you want and that you make that clear.

You aren't missing anything except a bunch of crummy first dates.  If you want to go out and have fun, you can do that with women friends, or male friends, or the gang.  You don't need a man to go out and have fun.  Dating - the way you want it - is looking for a marriage partner.  Other people date for other reasons.  The smart thing to do is make it clear.  Be glad that you do.  

Be glad they recognize you as the marrying kind.  This will save you and the guy a lot of time wasted, and grief.  Then when you do date, the intentions will be clear.  It is a compliment to be called 'the marrying kind.'  You can also reply, "thank you."  Don't get hooked into any other sort of conversation.  

If you are cutting good men off at the pass, then you could use some dating coaching.  There are ways to show you are serious, without scaring off a guy who does want marriage.  But if someone refuses to date you because your are "the marrying kind," then I wouldn't fret about that.  

Now when you say "rejecting you" are YOU asking THEM for a date?  I hope you aren't because that's not not the way it works.  You save yourself a lot of angst when you let guys do what they do best - do the courting.  If they ask you out, then you know it's because they want to.  Anything short of that, you've just kept yourself from wasting time.  If they're just sitting there rambling on, it's like they're saying "I wish I could date you but I'm afraid to" or whatever, and that's nothing you need to get involved in.  They haven't offered you anything.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  

If guys are saying to you, "I'd like to ask you out but you're too serious" - then just move on.  I've had guys say to me, "I'd like to ask you out but you'd never consider someone like me."  Well, in that case the answer is "You're right."  You must consider the message they are giving you.  Don't try and cushion they way they feel about themselves.  That's not your concern.  They are saying they don't want to date you (for whatever reason, and it usually has to do with THEM).  All you need do is smile and say "oh," or smile and say "thank you" and get on about your business.  They're just talking ... Take it for nothing but that.

When a guy wants to ask you out, he will.

Good luck,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc