Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/6/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Dr. Dennis,
First, I would like to apologize for this long email, and I hope you are able to
help me with some advice.
I am a postdoc and I colaborate with an instructor (a level higher than me) in
next door lab. We talk a lot about my project.  However, before colaboration, I
noticed from his looks at may be he was interested in me. After colaboration,
we got to talk a lot more. Some signs from him that really make me think he
may be interestetd are:
his looks, his friendly talk which he does not do with any one else, and the
way he talks to me. The other day I went to his office to talk to him, and he
gave me one cookie and said that it was from chinese new year, and he ate
one and there is this one for me. I told him to divide it in half  and he had half
and i had half of it. I thought that was sweet of him.
The things that makes me think he just wants to be friendly:
first, I do not see him at all because he is in his office all the time and less in
the lab (When he was in the lab though, he used to star at me and would just
look at me until i really look at him, and he would say hi), does not email me
(we email a lot about articles) unless I get in touch with him, and does not
really answers some of the emails. For example, I sent him an article and just
to give him another sign that i am interested, I told him that I do not want to
waste too much of his working time for discussing articles, and suggested
that either we just do the exchange email rather than me going to his office,
or he can call my lab number or cell  number. He never answered my email at
all, and never heard from him. He had a presentation couple of days ago and i
went to his presentation and had to leave earlier, so emailed him and told him
it was a great presentation, but i had to leave early due to appointment, and
never heard from him. I also emailed me for another hint long ago and gave
him a name of the resturant and said that was really interesting one, and he
emiled me and made a joke of the chef picture in the website of the
restaurant, and said that he was funny and scary. I even suggested another
one, and he said that all the foods are the same. Any ways, i did not ask him
out, i just suggested.
Signs that i gave him:
keep asking him question so had to go to his office to discuss things, and
tried to ask him some non-work related questions such as where he lives if
he is around here or has to drive, if he has a lot of friends around, what he
does for holidays, etc. We also talked a lot about our future goals, and we are
extremely similar in our ideas, goals, etc, and had the same major, and
working in the same area of science, and had very similar life pattern. For
christmas, I gave him a box of cookies and he loved it and thanked me three
or four times. I went to his office to give it to him, and helped him to open it,
and then, we both walked out of his office and he went to get coffee to drink
with cookies. He was very excited for that.

So, my point is after saying all of these, and for him not even bothering to
step in the lab just to see me, or not even emailing me or calling me after I
have done all of these, what should I do?

I am so sorry for long email, but i really need your advice considering that we
will working together for a long time, colaborating, and people in our
department are very nosy, and we have to be careful.

Let me know what you think.
thanks so much
gloria

ANSWER: Hello Gloria!

This seems to be the day to answer this same question! I've already answered it twice for two other girls!

No bother however. I'll tell you what I told them:

What seems obvious to you is totally unclear to most guys. You're speaking in your own language and assuming that he just "gets it". No Gloria, he probably doesn't just get it.

All of these things are actually misdirection! Nothing about it is clear and specific - the type of language most guys speak. You're fortunate in that I am fluent in both and can translate, but frankly, that's a pretty rare skill.

Women often speak using implication and listen using inference. In other words, you don't say what you want, you speak "around it". For instance, you'd tell your own children "I wish your room was clean" rather than saying "Go clean your damn room!"

Do you see the difference?

If you told this professor that you wished his office was clean, his response would probably be, "Please, feel free to clean it then." He'd be reacting to the SPECIFIC thing you said - that it's so important you'd wish it were so. You told him YOU wished a thing, not that you wished HE'D do that thing.

You're dropping all these subtle hints and he's just not getting it. That's extremely common by the way. If you'd really like to get to know him better outside of school, you're going to have to go to him and say, "I'd like to get to know you better outside of school. Why don't we have a drink this weekend?"

Instead, you're bringing him cookies and sending him work-related emails and somehow, through the ether, he's supposed to just get that you're interested in him? In fact, even if he IS interested in you, he far too confused by your actions to approach you on anything other than business.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Dr. Dennis,
Thank you so much for your advice. However, what if he knows it but ignors
it. From the time that I emailed him about phone numbers, I never heard
from him. today, I saw him, and first two times, he totally ignored me, and
the third time, he just said hi.
He is pretty smart guy, but i know that he has been divorced recently and has
a son. Could that be another problem? Thanks again Gloria

Answer
Hello again Gloria!

If you're absolutely sure he knows and is ignoring your request, then it seems he's not interested. I suppose that his divorce could be a reason for this, but since I don't read minds, there's no way to say.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"