Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 2/26/2009

Question
I understand why it's a good idea to stay a virgin until marriage.

But what if after marriage, you find out you and your husband are completely sexually incompatible? And he or you ends up becoming frustrated?

Sexual incompatibility is a marriage killer.

How can you go about this if you're not having sex before marriage. How do you determine if you are compatible sexually if you are staying a virgin?

- Ana

Answer
I find it hard to believe you could spend time with a man, with affection, kissing and hugging and not have a good 'feel' for what he's like, and whether you are compatible in all ways.  

Contrary to what you say, sexual incompatibility is no more a marriage-breaker than anything else.  You'd be surprised the couples to whom it doesn't matter.  I know couples who do not have sex.  It isn't that important to either of them.  You'd be surprised what people work out.  It isn't like a movie -- it's people in real life, discovering together what works for them. Just to give you one example - one man told me his wife was unable to have sex because of medical reasons (to maintain confidentiality).  He said, "Why would I give up everything I ever wanted in a woman JUST FOR THAT [emphasis mine]?  "Just for that" -- it is magnified out of proportion by some people; not valued by others; a small part of the overall deal to others; perhaps by some the most important thing (in which case they are setting themselves up, because the 'zing' of lust ["infatuation"] lasts about 18 months).  Then ... it can become something else, deeper, and better, but it isn't the same.

It's a mystery that you discover and develop together.      

Put another way, physical intimacy is part of a relationship, and its importance to the people in the relationship varies.  If he's considerate about everything, he will be considerate about that. Because "it takes two to tango."  It isn't that hard to "work out."  It's more or less what comes naturally.

All the best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc