Expert: Azure - 3/25/2009

Question
Hi Azure,

My question/concern is about being too picky and/or ending up being less attracted to a guy once I know more about him. See my situation is this: I'm a 22 year old college student that has no dating experience as I have spent alot of time with my head in school books. Never dated in high school or at my first college nor at the second (as it is online and they are quite a few older people in my classes with families of their own); I was not as forward as most other girls in my grade and having parents that were so close minded and all about me getting the top best career, they were dead set against me dating anyone.

But I still managed to secretly have a crush on one guy from 6th grade to 9th. And when I was 18 I came across a chatroom, that I had an instant attraction to. But it didn't work out as we were in different places geography wise and life wise for it to work out. However I kept my options open and though I can't really find much time to date now (finishing up last few years of college and living with parents to save on dorm expenses and food, etc.), I still manage to chit chat with a few guys on the web I have found interesting. To be clear, the guys know I'm not in a place right now to officially meet up and date and all that. So that part is fine and covered, but my problem comes when they are very excited about me over the course of several months and enjoy talking with me and stuff like that. But I find I'm not as interested in them anymore after I learn more about them after a while and I just wonder is this because I'm too picky or what?

I already know I have some trust issues from some past family drama that went down. So that could be closing me off to being fully open with guys and staying interested. But at the same time I think it could be something else too. Because for instance right now, I'm talking to a pretty great guy. He is 24, done with college, has a job (though doesn't like it too much, as its not what he wants to do or got his degree in.), He's living with his mom for now til he can save up for his own apartment, has a car, and overall a pretty decent guy. The thing is, we have similar views on most things which I really liked and caught my interest in the first place about him. But several months into knowing him and chatting on IM, he started to slightly make jokes about getting a vasectomy, and around Christmas he told me it felt like another day to him, and even recently he told me he thought bf/gf terms for a person and their partner sounded too high school to him. All of which sound like small and trivial things to be picky over, but I just found what he has said about these 3 things to be a total turn off. And there by I have felt like I lost interest in him because of them. Heck even before that though, I was losing interest cause he wasn't being as open with me about himself. I know I don't have a right to demand it, as we are online and stuff like that. But I guess in a weird way I just don't feel as connected to him as I did when we first started talking. I don't know if it is because I'm being picky over the trivial stuff or I'm just not asking the right questions of him to confide in me. I'm so used to being the laid back person anyone can open up to, and he just doesn't.

I'm probably putting the cart before the horse and all with this situation (as we are also long distance too). But I just want to know if I'm missing something here, other than the trust issues thing. Because I don't want to get out on the dating scene, and keep repeating whatever mistake or something I have now, and wind up alone or unable to connect with someone long after the initial meeting.


Answer
first, there's nothing wrong with being discriminating; the more you interact, the greater the chance you'll uncover certain personality traits that aren't appealing; however, this evaluation is far more valueable when done during the course of actual DATING, where you can actually observe the person; email communication is prone to misunderstanding, deceit, fantasy; so, what you're missing is that you need to confine your search to those NEARBY you can see, touch, observe, do things with--most people lead busy lives, but find ways to make time for a few hours with another person if such companionship is of importance..