Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/30/2009

Question
So there is a rather long story behind all this, but the shortened version is that over the years I've always been that girl who was interested in the bad boy, or the boy that couldn't be fixed. I was always more attracted to the rough sorts and for that reason I usually wound up getting hurt by them because they weren't nice guys.

Now that I'm older (and I like to think I'm wiser too) I've realized that the only real guys worth having are the nice guys, the nerds or dorks as some would call them. I was always getting those sorts of guys when I didn't want them, they had crushes on me but some how I wound up either not giving them a chance or ending before there could really be a relationship because I felt like they weren't my type or that I could never be attracted to them in that way.

Now that I've realized the error of my ways so to speak, there is a guy that I'm interested in, who at one point or other had a crush on me that I was unaware of. He is a really nice guy, they type with few expectations, and he's a great friend. But since he once had a crush and it didn't pan out I think he might be standing off and not wanting to try. He sends mixed messages...one minute we will be flirting and the next time I see him he will barely talk to me at all.

Is this even worth pursuing, or should I not even bother?
If it is worth pursuing how would I go about letting him know how I feel without just coming out and saying it ( since I'm not so great with guys/relationships in general)

Thanks for any help you can offer.

Answer
Hello Kat!

A long story? There always is.

Here's what's going on with your "friend": his "window of opportunity" (WOO) is closed.

A little background first:

Something women don't understand about men is that we have this built-in WOO that if you don't act while it's open, you lose the chance permanently. There's a ton of science behind this that I won't bore you with, but suffice it to say that it's based on the fact that we men aren't designed to be monogamous by nature. After a certain period of time, if you (as the woman) don't address our physical needs, we close off our emotional sides to you completely. Sure, we'll still have sex with you, but that's all it'll ever be!

Consider this: how many times have you heard of one of your friends (or even yourself!) holding off a guy as long as possible - sometimes months - only for her (or you) to finally sleep with him and then he bolts? It happens all the time, right?

Women believe that these guys are "jerks" because they worked so hard getting what they wanted only to take off as soon as the girl lets down her guard and "gives it to him." In reality, this is the woman shooting herself in the foot instead! She waited until she though he was going to stick around. In fact, she totally misread the situation because she didn't understand this male-WOO thing.

So, the problem is that it's very likely this guy now is only flirting with you because he's sexually attracted to you - no longer emotionally attracted. Like you, men want to connect with their partners on an emotional level too. While few men understand this, we are all affected by it nonetheless. It's like gravity - we don't understand what it is, but it affects every one of us. He realizes deep-down that he'll never be interested in you emotionally, but he wants to be involved on that level with someone. On the other hand, he's still sexually attracted to you.

So, should you pursue him or not even bother? The answer is whether you want to simply have a sexual relationship with him or if you want more. If you want more, you're likely way, way too late and it's game-over. I sense this is the case because he's running hot-and-cold. When men are fully committed to the game they only run hot - just like he did in the beginning.

If you're good with a sex-only relationship, then move forward. To do this, just invite him over for a home-cooked meal. Have some wine and a nice time and put the moves on him. It's pretty simple at that point.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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