Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/5/2009

Question
Hi sorry if my story is too long..
I like this guy at my job..he is about 12 years older than me (im 25)..I heard about him even before he gets hired and then i went on vacation,when i came back the first one i saw was him ,I didn't know he was the new hire until i asked some co workers and told me he was the new director.However,before i know any of this,when our eyes met I felt something special(sparks).eventhough he is not my type,i usually dont get attracted to older guys,something was unique about him. I just forgot abt him afterthat.but 2 weeks later i dreamt about him(he kissed me in the dream..the next day i was crazy all i think about is him..At my job we dont talk or see each other very often cause he works in a different dep.whenever he sees me,he makes sure he says hi to me but sometimes i just ignore him and he comes and greets me..sometimes i feel that he knows thats i like him..
now ,its been a year and nothing has changed ,i learned he has a GF i even saw her and talk to her.my crush and I are actually from the same background,not the same country,but we have the same religion and culture..one day ,he came to my office we started chatting then he asked me some weird questions about if i fast,if i pray ,if i drink,if i have a BF..i answeredthem all but i guess i was too cnservative for his taste ,ie.i dnt drink(not anymore),i used to pray (not any more).i had a BF but im still virgin (have to wait for marriage) so i disclosed everything to him exept the sex part but i guess he firgured it out.lol...now im afraid he thinks im very conservative cause im not.I know u r going to tell me he has a GF so stay away from him,,i know this not right but i cant help it..even when i go out and meet guys i cant be with them cause all i want is HIM..Im a very attractive young woman i get hit on by guys and even co-workers.sometimes i think he is interested bc of the way he look at me even when he talk or stands he comes closer to me or may be just my imagination..
i know my story might sound very silly but its stressing me out ,could u please tell me what to do ,how do u view this and please tell me if i need to move on or fight for him.i know for sure that i cant initiate a date bc i cant do this but how would i show him my interest without being so direct..
Thank you for ur help
Best regards
O

Answer
Hello!

First of all, no, your story is not silly at all. Second of all, no, I'm not going to tell you to stay away from him because he has a girlfriend. What if you're far, far better for him than she is? What if she's toxic and you're the cure? I'd never give that sort of advice since I simply don't know the situation!

Here's the problem you have: you're way, WAY too late! An entire year? Why did you wait so damn long? This guy has EVERYTHING to lose by hitting on you and not getting anywhere. It's YOU that has everything to gain. It's also pretty obvious that you've hidden your real interests from him hoping that he'd just some how figure it out.

He hasn't, and he won't.

I don't know what some women are thinking sometimes! Girls: we guys DO NOT read minds! Seriously! I don't care what you've seen on TV or read in romance novels. We simply don't know what you're thinking UNLESS you make it obvious (i.e. "direct").

Here you are, waiting around for this guy to just figure everything out for you while he's taking all the risks. You don't want to be "direct" because you want him to come sweep you off your feet. Really, how in the hell is THAT ever supposed to work? In fact, it's been an utter failure - for an entire year!

I'd strongly suggest that you need to change your plans here. The problem is that you're entirely, completely, 100% YOU-focused! You're not thinking about HIM at all - only what YOU want.

Take a look at your choices so far. You've decided to stay a virgin until you're married. Now, some guys (actually, a dwindling few these days) want that, but frankly, do you really think that attracts your target market?

Let me help you here: No. It repels them.

Why? Simple: it screams one unavoidable fact: sexless courtships and relationships almost always become sexless marriages! Here you are hoping to be married to some guy and you don't even plan to bring any skills with you to the bedroom. How ridiculous is that? Is that all your future husband deserves? Are you just going to figure out all of this extremely-complicated sex stuff all of a sudden, or are you hoping HE'S just going to know? He won't know, trust me.

The point I'm making here is that unless you get off your ass and do something, nothing and I mean NOTHING is going to change. He's in a very high-risk situation and he's not going to choose possibly losing his job over some small (frankly, minuscule in his eyes!) chance with you! You're giving him very little to go on!

If he'd have written to me instead of you, I'd have to advise him to steer clear as well. From the outside, you're WAY too aloof for me to recommend he take that sort of risk. Further, by waiting all this time, you've likely missed his window of opportunity. This is a very limited timeframe.

So, you have a choice: either do exactly what you've been doing all this time hoping for something to change (it won't) or give up on him entirely, get healed and move on or do something different - and more direct. Now, what do you think I'm going to recommend? Yes, you're right - it's the direct thing.

Go approach HIM for a change and stop waiting around for him to take all the risks here! Suggest that you and he go out and talk about your religion or something over coffee. Make SOME attempt at this or just expect things will continue to be exactly as they are.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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