Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/27/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Dr. Neder,

I met this amazing guy that I'm incredibly attracted to!  He's a freshman in
college and Im a sophomore. He's gorgeous, charming, and easy to talk to.
Every time he sees me, he seems so interested. My friends agree, he goes out
of his way to talk to me and zones in on me, and only me, when we see each
other at parties. He smiles, looks me straight in the eye, and touches my arm
when we talk. I've given him my number and we both agree we'd love to hang
out sometime! The weird thing is, I never hear from him! I understand the
whole "he's just not that into you" theory - but this guy will go out of his way
to talk to me and acts like I'm the only girl in the room when he sees me (it
drives me crazy). We haven't seen each other at too many parties/events, so
he might be waiting for more opportunities to talk to me. I just don't
understand why he hasn't called or at least texted! I've never had trouble
getting dates before, so why, now that I've found someone I'm so attracted
to, can't I get the guy? Oh...and keep in mind that he might be a ladies man.
He's classically good looking, and I'm not the only girl to notice. I appreciate
you taking the time to advise on how to snag this guy! Thanks in advance ;)

Heather

ANSWER: Hello Heather!

You think this guy is a "lady's man"??? I don't think you know what that is. If it were true, he'd have already pulled the trigger. It seems that this guy simply doesn't know what he's doing and is waiting for you to do all his work for him.

Which leads me directly to the next point: you're going to have to do his work for him.

The very next time you see him walk up and ask him, "So why haven't you called me?" Yes, I know that's pretty forward, but think about this: he's had nothing but opportunity and hasn't done anything with it. It seems he's attracted to you so that's not the problem; and if not, what is? Answer: he doesn't know what he's doing.

He's going to say, "Oh, well, I've been busy" (everyone says that!) You then say, "Let's find a time next week when you're not busy then."

The point is that you're going to have to help him move things forward or some other girl is going to do this instead.

Now, next point: "hanging out" - don't do this or even say this stupid thing! Is that really what you want - to become a couple of "hang out" buddies? If you get this started - or worse, let him get it started - that's all you're ever going to become.

It may seem like a lot of pressure to make this a date, but you need to be making the right moves in the right direction if you want something more than a pal here. Don't do all this work only to start off in the wrong direction. I see more and more people making this dumb mistake only to have it come back and bite them later on when things get weird.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your advice, Dr. Neder! You're definitely right that he may be a
bit immature and doesn't know what he's doing. It's true that a real "Lady's
Man" would have bitten the bullet and asked me out by now. So...if there's no
possibility that he's not interested, which you said he is, then I will ask him
for a DATE. Doesn't hanging out mean getting to know each other in a casual
way? Then if we decide we like each other, we start dating? I don't see how
hanging out is so bad. It's laid back, he can learn more about me, and then
see if we want to start dating? Let me know your thoughts on this. Thank you
again for your help and advice! I agree with everything you've said, but please elaborate on hanging out. Thanks again :)

Heather

Answer
Hello again Heather!

Yes, "hanging out" means being together in a casual way - no pressure. Too many people are doing this today and frankly, it sends entirely the wrong message. What happens is that you begin hanging out and nothing happens. You get together again and nothing happens. Eventually, things start getting weird - and thus, nothing happens.

Don't do this to yourself. Hang out with your girlfriends if you want, but never, ever with a guy you're interested in. You're worth more than that! Go on a date with him so that you and he can really connect and try to make this go somewhere. If you don't do that, it'll just go nowhere.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"