Expert: Rhapsody Love - 4/27/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Joyce,

I met this guy that I'm incredibly attracted to! I haven't found someone who
makes me swoon like this in a long time. He's a freshman in college and Im a
sophomore. Every time he sees me, he seems so interested. He smiles, he
looks at me straight in the eye, and touches my arm when we talk. I've given
him my number and he says he'd love to hang out. The weird thing is, why on
earth hasn't he called me?? I understand the whole "he's just not that into
you" theory - but this guy will go out of his way to talk to me and acts like I'm
the only girl in the room when he sees me. We haven't seen each other at too
many parties/events, so he might be waiting for more opportunities to talk to
me. I just don't understand why he hasn't called or at least texted! I
appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to give me some
advice! Thanks in advance :)

Kind Regards,
Ashley

ANSWER: Ashley,

Do you have any evidence that he calls or texts any other women? If not, I think you're doing something that many women do - you are assuming he would be interested in using the phone or text messaging as a way of communicating with you. Many men are not. It seems illogical, but men tend to be less communicative than you might think.

Also, I used to give love advice to men and many were very shy about communicating with a woman, because they were afraid of rejection. They didn't know what to say to a woman and have it work out, especially if the goal was to be more than friends. They were afraid of their intense emotions getting in the way of their reasoning abilities (though they may not have said so directly in that manner). They could communicate with a female friend, but not someone they were attracted to in a romantic/sexual way.

So that means you need to try to engender the relationship in real life, invite him to phone or text you so that he won't feel uncomfortable about doing it and maybe give him something to say. What do you have in common? Could you make a plan to do that thing together? Could you text him first?

I see no reason why a woman can't initiate the communication - I did so with my husband when we first met (though there was no texting back then). I called him at least one out of five times, maybe more. He would let me know if I was calling too much, which made me fear for the future of our relationship, but in the end, his desire for less communication didn't hurt our relationship.

It's funny, to this day (38 yrs. later) when he comes back from a week-long event with men (golfing or fishing trip), he tells me that the amount of my talking takes a bit to get used to again since men tend to talk so much less.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

- Joyce

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Joyce,

I don't have any evidence that he calls/texts other women! I barely know him,
but since I gave him my number, I figured he'd ask to hang out. I'm positive
I've given him all the signs that I'm interested, so now the ball is in his court.
Does this mean he's not interested? Or should I bite the bullet and just text
him and ask him to hang out? I don't want to seem forward, or worse,
desperate (which I'm not)! Thanks for your advice, it has definitely helped!  

Answer
He could be clueless or he might not be interested. Since you have conversations with him that seems like he's interested (at least as a friend), then the first may be true. The benefit of a guy who is clueless to the signs of your interest is that he may not pay attention to other women's signals either which will make it easier to keep the relationship monogamous and lasting (this seemed true of my husband).

Do you really think he'll think you're desparate from one message? And if he's not interested in you, what's the difference what he thinks of you? I doubt he'll think anything bad of you for it.

BTW, I heard guys tell each other that they have to wait a week to call a girl so they don't seem desparate. Has it been over a week? Or could he have lost your number?

Remember you said, "this guy will go out of his way to talk to me and acts like I'm the only girl in the room when he sees me." That doesn't sound like someone who would reject you.

Good luck!

- Joyce