Expert: L.E. Coleman - 4/26/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear L.E. Coleman,

I met this amazing guy that I'm incredibly attracted to!  He's a freshman in
college and Im a sophomore. He's gorgeous, charming, and easy to talk to.
Every time he sees me, he seems so interested! My friends agree, he goes out
of his way to talk to me and zones in on me, and only me, when we see each
other at parties. He smiles, looks me straight in the eye, and touches my arm
when we talk. I've given him my number and we both agree we'd love to hang
out sometime! The weird thing is, I never hear from him! I understand the
whole "he's just not that into you" theory - but this guy will go out of his way
to talk to me and acts like I'm the only girl in the room when he sees me (it
drives me crazyy). We haven't seen each other at too many parties/events, so
he might just be waiting for more opportunities to talk to me. I just don't
understand why he hasn't called or at least texted! I've never had trouble
getting dates before, so why, now that I've found someone I'm so insanely
attracted to, can't I get the guy? Oh...and keep in mind that he might be a
ladies man. He's classically good looking, and I'm not the only girl to notice. I
appreciate you taking the time to give me some insight and advice! Thanks in
advance ;)

Heather

ANSWER: Hi Heather.

I guess, the first thing I'd like to ask is: Why haven't you called him?
The old ways of establishing a relationship don't apply anymore.  That is to say, it's no longer a rule that men make the first move and you'll usually find that women who are bold enough to ask for what they want will often bring home the prize.  Until there's some type of conversation going on between the two of you, you'll never know if he's truly interested. He may be interested or he may not. But you'll have to risk your ego, fear or pride(you make the determination)to find out. There are many things that might be in play here.  If he's a truly attractive man he may have other women knocking on his door and he hasn't made up his mind as to whether or not one of them is right for him. Or he may simply be trying to dissolve an old relationship before he talks to another woman.  Right now, you simply don't know what's going on.  As far as genuine soul mates go--assuming that you believe  there is really someone out there specifically for you--you don't have to worry about the two of you not finding each other.  Once you set your intention of being with that someone who you can share a lasting meaningful relationship with and you don't worry about how long it will take, or get in a hurry to make things happen--he'll show up seemingly out of the blue without you doing anything to make it happen.  So if this young man is THE ONE, there's nothing you can do to drive him away. He'll just keep coming back into your life until the relationship takes hold. Relax. There's no rush.  The principles of the law of attraction are always in place and they can't be manipulated.  That is to say, for many women, the more they try to make things happen, the more they push what they want away from them.  In your case, there's no harm in you doing a follow up call or text to find out if he's interested.  Don't worry about saving face. You have to take the attitude that 'you're all that' and that any man would be a fool if he didn't take the opportunity to talk to you. Don't be afraid of losing something or messing things up by contacting him.  If he's offended and shuts down, he's simply not the one.

Have a wonderful day.

LC

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear LC,

I'd say I'm a pretty confident girl when it comes to guys. I just don't want to
come on too strong, or worse, come off as desperate! Which, I'm not. I just
think he's a really neat guy and I'd love to hang out some time. I feel like I'm
one in a million girls, so I'm trying to find a way to stand out from the crowd.
Any ideas?? What you said about how the old rules don't apply any more -
aren't guys wired to be the hunters and gatherers? In that they want to be the
ones to chase a girl?
I really took to heart what you said about soul mates and not having to force
a relationship. Looking back on old relationships, I realized that all the times
I've found and fallen in love with an incredible guy, he's sort of just entered
into my life without my realizing it and at a time I'd least expected it.
Anyway, thank you so much for your help, I'll let you know what happens :)
Also, since you seem to know about soul mates and the laws of attraction...I
broke up with my last boyfriend of 2 years because we couldn't make the long
distance relationship work while I'm away at college. Though we know it can't
work, we're still in love. Could this be preventing me from moving on and
meeting new people? We love each other and we're still really close, but we
understand that we can't be exclusive. Let me know what you think.

Thanks again!
-Heather

Answer
Hi Heather.

I want you to pay close attention to your own words because they give you a real picture of the inner you--not the confident girl--but real girl behind the one everybody sees.  You said, " I just don't want to come on too strong, or worse, come off as desperate."  No matter how we slice it, these statements show us that you've got to deal with your fear and your ego first before that special someone ever shows up. If you don't address this, you'll likely find yourself in relationships that don't work. Yes, guys will enter your life when you least expect it but they won't be the lasting, loving relationship you're truly looking for. You might be a pretty confident girl when it comes to guys, but you're not a confident girl when it comes to 'this guy.' Maybe this guy doesn't fall for you like the other guys have, and if so,  your ego sees this as a challenge. Thus, it makes perfect sense not to call him because it will bolster your ego and let you know you've still 'got it' if he calls you. On the other hand, it's more likely that this guy may not be interested and you're afraid to find out.  This too would be a blow to your ego.  This might be the case or it may not. Only you know. But don't try to tell yourself it's not until you've taken a serious look at what we're talking about. Thus, this outdated notion about men being the chasers wouldn't come up. Be careful, it may only serve as a cop out for not pursuing things because you're afraid.  Also, think about this for a moment: if you never heard it repeated time and time again by relationship experts, psychologists etc. that 'men are the chasers, the hunters--would you still have that idea?  Probably not. Most women ideas about men do not come from themselves but from outside of them. But here's the catch: If we hear things enough, we believe them and they become a part of biology, our brains, our chemistry.  Thus, we become 'hardwired' for this or that. You can become unwired through the same process of changing your thought, belief and perception about anything.  Also, you're right on the money-- if you are still in love with someone else it's impossible for the universe to give you a genuine hookup. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. Do you really think that the universe will give you something new if you're gripping or clinging to the old? You've got to open your hands. Otherwise this whole conversation is a waste of time--not mine, because I'm glad to offer you a different paradigm--but your own. It's time to do some serious soul searching and be definite about what you want. You're going to find out that your years will quickly fly by and you don't want to look back and think about what you could have or would have done.  Dig deep and ask yourself, 'what am I afraid of?' This is good question to ask about every facet of your life.  Make your life the best it can be, my friend.  Don't forget to read some of my articles on girlsaskguys.com under the subtitle of relationships.

God bless,
LC