Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 4/11/2009

Question
Being a senior, I'm asking you for advice.

I'm a 27 year old woman who has grown up in America and my parents are from India. They are very traditional and wish that I get an arranged marriage before I am 30. Dating is not allowed.

When I went back to visit India, all my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins told my parents to let me marry whoever I wanted (love marriage as is called in the west) but my parents didn't like the idea.

It was funny, my parent's parents telling them to let me date and marry my boyfriend of my choosing.

What do you think of this situation? Don't you think that's ironic how it plays out. That my family back there would be less traditional? It's so funny.

What do you think. and what have you seen with immigrants from your own experience.

Answer
Dear Anita,

It is ironic.  It's also "if it isn't one thing, it's another."  There are more "arranged marriages" in the US than you might imagine.

I think who you marry is probably the most important decision of your life ... that it is fraught with pitfalls, that your parents mean well (everyone's parents do), that there are generation and culture gaps, and that family relationships are complex.

How's that!

Also that it's easier for your relatives back there to do the do as I say, not as I do thing.  

I've seen a lot of inter-generational tension, no matter who's from where.  Has to be worked through step-by-step, and takes great social skill, patience, etc.  Lot of families are struggling with mixed-cultures, so no one knows when the other person is going to show up (different sense of time), nobody likes anyone else's food, it's a fight over what religion the children will be raised in, and 'respect' isn't shown in proper ways, etc.

I coach about multi-culturalism, BTW.  It's fascinating and we really need it these days.  I just got back from Italy, where you ca touch other people, but not merchandise in a store, and where graffiti is not illegal, "it's a form of self-expression."  When we were in England, the Americans all fussed that the bacon was "raw."  Someone complained they didn't get a "salad" in Italy ... just tomatoes and cheese (the Caprese salad) ... it goes on and on.  In the US, we are losing/have lost our "common culture."  We struggle onward, and hopefully it will have its benefits.

Other Indian woman have written me about this, and had coaching about it, incidentally.  Yes, it's a problem that many people are having.

Good luck!

Susan Dunn, M.A.
www.susandunn.cc