Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/16/2009

Question
Hello. I am seventeen years old. I like this guy named Mark. He is so cute and I like his personality but I feel like I cant be as witty and stuff that his other friends are like. I want to be myself around him but i feel thats too boring. He does like me. Well i dont know if he like likes me. But we definetly hang out. Well we hang out in a group. We have the same class together and when his friend, Gabe, isn't there, he would call me over to sit by him. When gable is there, he wouldnt say anything but sometimes I would go and sit by him. The first time I started liking him was when he gave me a hug. I couldnt let go. but after a couple of days, i saw him hug another girl and i thought that hugs were just a way for him to say bye. He would alwaysss poke me on the side of my stomach and would scare me when I am deeply concentrating. and i like that cuz he makes me laugh afterwards and i feel like he noticed me. when we talk on myspace, he wouldnt say much. I feel like im doing all the talkin and i feel like i need to say something funny and witty just so he would respond back. but sometimes i just give up. I feel scared to talk to him in school because i feel like i mess things up. When he is around, my mouth, my mind just shuts down. Everything sounds wrong. I like him alot but I dont know how he feels about me.

Answer
Hello!

Why are you giving yourself all these limitations? You feel that you're not as witty as other people are and you think THAT'S the quality that attract men? Ok, sometimes that's at least one thing, but it's never based only on how funny or interesting you are.

My point is this: don't compare your weakest points against other peoples' best points. Instead, focus on what strengths you DO have. Just because you don't feel (or know) that they are important (because they feel natural to you) doesn't mean that they're not incredible to someone else.

That's the very first place to start - make a list of and focus on your best qualities. I don't know you so I can't say what those are but if you take just two minutes, I'll bet you can come up with a list of 20 of them right off the bat.

THOSE are the things you bring to Mark - or any guy you date.

As soon as you start to see those qualities, you'll instantly start seeing why you'd also be a good partner for him! It'll also change your insecurities about moving things forward.

You're going to have to help him along here. If you avoid him because you're insecure, he's going to see that as though YOU aren't interested in him. No guy wants to have to convince you to like him (if that's what he thinks he's going to have to do.) On the other hand, if he thinks there might be a chance, he'll at least consider it.

You tell him that there may be a chance by being open and engaging with him. You DO approach him and talk to him at school. You DO spend time with him away from the group. You DO NOT "hang out" with him however because that tells him that you're only interested in him as a friend and as part of your group. He'll just go off and find someone that knows better.

Since you've spent some time with him you probably know at least a few of his interests. Why don't you suggest that you and he go do one of those this next weekend? Find a way - a reason - to be together without Gabe or anyone else around so he can get to know all those great things about you.

If you do nothing, things aren't going to change on their own. On the other hand, if you make an effort you open up all sorts of doors of opportunity.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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