Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 4/11/2009

Question
A few questions.

You know how you get that instant gut feeling that someone is not a nice person? And usually it comes true? Such as when you first meet someone and they don't give a very good impression, I've noticed their behavior goes from bad to worse.

One example is, meeting someone for the first time, and the first time they see you, they have a scowl on their face, the entire time they are talking to you, that nasty angry scowl is there.

I have noticed these people (both men and women here) that are the scowlers - go from bad to worse. These people end up being bullies and tyrants. If you mess up, they scream at you and yell the loudest and insult and mock and humiliate you in front of a crowd. This has happened to me at least 10-15 times in my adult life. I give people chances, but enough is enough.

I was wondering if you ever noticed that observation? It's interesting how our gut (sometimes wrong) and first impression is almost 90-95% correct.

So to extrapolate...other than scowling, you have any first date red flags (men or women, doesn't matter) to advise me and share?

Not big ones like being rude to the waiter, etc...that instantly means that person is probably really a JACKASS...but more 'subtle' things that give off red flags...the things most people dont notice until it's too late?

Last question, let's say I'm dating men for marriage. Well maybe not 'marriage' per se, but a serious relationship that has a high probability of leading to marriage.

How do you advise I go about meeting men? I don't want to waste a guy's time if he just wants to date casually.

Should I tell them up front about these things?

At this point in life I'd like to settle down and marry, but not at the point of rushing things without really getting to know a man first.

THANKS!!!!!
-Debra

Answer
Dear Debra,

Thanks for writing.  I agree with you that intuition is a very important guide for us.  It's important to know how your intuition speaks to you, and to develop it.  It's one of the things I teach in Emotional Intelligence.  Our "gut feelings" are our surest guide (as long as you don't get it mixed up with "wishful thinking" - but I think you know the difference)

For your questions - will do the best I can in short space here.  FOr more help with this, email me for coaching, sdunn@susandunn.cc .

So to extrapolate...other than scowling, you have any first date red flags (men or women, doesn't matter) to advise me and share?

but more 'subtle' things that give off red flags...the things most people dont notice until it's too late?

Here are a couple:
1.  Talking about exes.  If he's still emotionally invested in it, angry, sad, etc.
2.  How long it takes him to ask you something about yourself
3.  How he talks about his Mother, if he brings her up
4.  General composure.  Yeah, we all get a little nervous, but there are people who obviously just can't handle it
5.  Cleanliness (nails, hair) and the way they dress (is it your style, for instance?)
6.  Talking about emotions ... but only about his.  Some men who are "sensitive" are just that way about themselves.  i.e., He talks about how other people are insensitive, or talks about what love feels like, but then you burn your finger on the candle, and his conversation doesn't miss a beat; or you mention something that hurt your feelings, and he keeps right on talking about his own problems
7.  Spilling - saying waaaay too much for a 1st, 2nd, even 3rd date
8.  Lack of social skills.  Social skills are what greases a realtionship after the 'lust' dies down, so they had better be there.
9.  Any things like obsessive, bad grammar, swearing and profanity or obscenities
10.  OGGLING OTHER WOMEN WHILE HE IS WITH YOU

NEXT ...

Last question, let's say I'm dating men for marriage. Well maybe not 'marriage' per se, but a serious relationship that has a high probability of leading to marriage.  How do you advise I go about meeting men? I don't want to waste a guy's time if he just wants to date casually.

Should I tell them up front about these things?

At this point in life I'd like to settle down and marry, but not at the point of rushing things without really getting to know a man first.
-------
Do NOT bring up the C words ... or the M word.  You are dating to be dating.  The man should bring up all statements about committment, serious, etc.  I have an ebook about this, and also do coaching on it.  The man should be the first to mention anything 'serious' and the man does the pursuing.  There are things to look for, within time frames.  I like that guy's 90-day rule, incidentally -- you don't get insurance at a job for 90-days, and the guy you're dating doesn't get you-know-what for 90 days -- this is to see if the person is going to be around and worth the investment.

If a man asks you, be vague.  Basically you will SHOW what you have in mind by how you ACT.

And that brings up the last thing I'll mention here.  In that date, above, that you mention, and for the whole time you're dating a guy, pay a WHOLE LOT MORE ATTENTION to how he acts, than to what he says.  

It's v. important to get to know the guy - over time, with different people, and in different circumstances.  I remember one guy I dated where it was 4 months until I experienced his 'flash temper,' and boy I was glad I saw it then ...

Take your time, enjoy dating, and read up.  I have serveral stimulus packages to help women with dating so write and ask me if you are interested, I'd like to be your coach - sdunn@susandunn.cc.  Then we can go over things point-by=point, as they occur.

All the best,
Susan Dunn, M.A.
www.susandunn.cc