Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/19/2009

Question
I think the perfect man is my close friend.  He is 12 yrs older and has no kids...I have 2.  He lives in the same state for about 2 weeks out of every month due to work commitments...otherwise hes in Texas.  He knows how I feel I think and I think he feels the same...I just haven't done this in a while and have no idea what I am doing!  He did say he found another reason to come back other than work just the other night...but long distance is complicated and scary...how do I go about this without becoming needy or sad or even, a pain in the butt.  Is it even worth working for???????

Answer
Hello Jenny!

Your situation is very different from the usual long-distance situation since 1/2 the time, he's right there. In most LDR's, the couple is always separated by distance other than a few punctuated moments here and there.

The first step is to get something going between you. Don't settle for the friendship if you want something more. That will ultimately work against you. Instead, start working to make things happen here.

Since you know his schedule, you can start by sending the kids off to grandma's (or wherever) so that you have some alone-time with him. Invite him over for dinner and put some moves on him. It's really pretty simple - with a high likelihood of success.

What you're trying to build here is a pattern. Relationships are all about these patterns - the expectation of being together on a regular basis for instance. When he's in town, you and he should be spending as much of your free time together as possible.

When you're not together, you will have keep things going in other ways. Using email and texting is one way, but it's pretty weak frankly. Telephone calls and even video-calls from the computer are better.

Be sure to keep up on what's going on in his life and let him know about yours too. This is how you integrate your lives together.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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