Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 4/19/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dr. Belove,

I'm a 28 year old woman and I've moved in with my parents for just this one month while I switch apartments, will leave again to start graduate school. They are both 60 years old.

We were going out to dinner and I was dressed conservatively in dress pants and a conservative dressy sweater. I was completely covered head to toe and it was not a skintight outfit or anything. My sweater was new but had a lot of tiny peices of fuzz from my jacket all over that would not come off.

My mom saw it and started screaming about it, saying that it was not appropriate to wear outside to a dinner with the parents, not to wear clothes with fuzz all over it. (by the way, the fuzz could not be seen from a distance)

I said there was nothing wrong with the sweater, my dad also said there was nothing wrong with the sweater, but she was still screaming and hysterical, and said she would not eat with us until I changed my sweater.

I said, I'm almost 30 years old...there's nothing wrong with my sweater. My mom screamed she would not go out and eat dinner with us then and would stay home. My dad said 'just go change, I don't want to deal with her yelling tonight' and I went and changed. My mom kept going on about what a burden I am to the family, living at home for a month and not having a job helping paying their bills, etc.

What do you think about this situation?

What was her big deal?

And should I have stood up to her? I'm almost 30 years old, it's ridiculous that she tells me what to wear. When I was already dressed like a 60 year old. Or just change and enjoy the peace without conflict.

ANSWER: Dear Dana,

What do I think?  I think it's time you got a place of your own and kept it.  The rest is all pertinent to that.

Beyond that, you will have to slowly work out with your mother (and father) a relationship where you are both adults.  This doesn't mean not respecting your parents for who and what they are, and what they have done for you.  They will continue to 'parent' you always, likely, but you can get it tempered down to where you can stand it.  And you will miss it when it's gone.  

One way to handle "advice" is to say, "thanks, I appreciate your adivce," and then do what you're going to do.

I can't comment on this particular incident, because I didn't see the outfit.  But, my dear, I'll betyou 10 to 1 your mother was right, that it wasn't a good outfit for what you had in mind.

All the best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandun.cc

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: The outfit looked like this

I'm a lot skinnier than her though

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_AbImehj4LiA/RxkHZ10q_EI/AAAAAAAACRo/z8lw7lOmTIY/s400/B

we were just going to pick up some fast food at the local wendys or mcdonalds


Answer
Dear Dana,

You would like me to "side with" you v. your mother-- and your father, too, I'm sure.  Why go into it.  Personally I don't think that sweater would be particularly flattering to anyone ... but you can win if you want to.

I suggest you let it go. I'm sure she meant well.  Also kids are supposed to move out and move on.  That's nature's way, and conflicts like this one just help to make the transition.  You'll be better friends later on.

Respect your elders!

Good luck with graduate school!

Susan