Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/8/2009

Question
QUESTION: I am a 28 year old woman. I'm in graduate school pursuing a doctorate. I met an incredibly handsome guy Lance who is also 28 years old and we hit it off. We have a lot in common. He is kind of a player though. Lance has been dating a girl for the last few years, she is 24, and I'm sure he still does care about her, but she lives in another country, and he has been cheating on her regularly with A LOT of women. She is also really mousy, plain, and bony, and most people at school call her 'ugly' I think it is because he is such a handsome hunk that he looks odd when paired with her. They have even broken up over it when she found out, but have gotten back together every time. His facebook and myspace photos have him on the beach with his arms around really hot girls in bikinis. I don't know how much longer they are going to last, she lives in another country and every weekend he is always cheating on her with several other women for sex. Oh yeah - he lives with a roommate who is a player too, and after the weekend is over, they tell everyone at school what girls they had sex with at the parties, and laugh about how stupid the girls were to fall for their seductions. The thing is though, Lance can tell that I'm not a dumb party slut. He knows that I am the serious relationship type of gal who doesn't sleep with just every guy. I see him looking over at me in class many times. And staring at me from across campus in the parking lot. One of my best male friends is friends with Lance. (he is an honest guy and I can trust him) So I talked to him about Lance and this is what he said. "Yeah Lance really likes you, he thinks very highly of you. He sees you as a really classy, sophisticated gal who is 'above' the rest of the random girls here that he's fucking. He does feel very passionately for you. He even sees you as the marrying kind. And he knows you are too smart for his game, his player ways would not work on you. But he does care about his ex still. So right now Lance knows he has some choices to make. Help him pick the decision in your favor!" So what does this mean. He might be considering me for a girlfriend and breaking up with her? Because he knows I will not just have sex with him right away without expecting a relationship. See, if he dated me, I'm sure he realizes that he would have to break up with her. Whatever, they're practically not even dating, I mean she is 10,000 miles away. But he also knows he would also have to stop having sex with all these random party girls him and his roommate bring over to their house every weekend. So he might be holding back because he knows it would mean a serious relatoinship with me. I'm just thinking...obviously I don't know what is going through his mind...but my male friend is reliable and doesn't have ulterior motives. What do you think? Or should I not bother with this guy, he is too much of a party dude, should I go for a more 'serious' man?

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Hello Doreen!

If she lives in another country, he isn't "dating her" at all. He's simply attached to her by the telephone cord and DSL line. I don't care what he claims. LDR's are not relationships at all.

About Lance: he's doing what he's doing because that's what he wants to be doing. If he wanted a relationship, he'd go after one. You're not going to turn him into something he's not and even if you and he did get together, you'd both be expecting things your own way and neither would budge. What would you have then?

About you: I'm extremely concerned that you feel comfortable trading sex for a relationship. Why not jewelry? Why not a car? Why not cold, hard cash?

Oh, that's right - you're not that kind of girl.

Wait just a minute there sister. Therein lies a serious problem you're going to be facing with every guy you meet from now on whether it's Lance or Brian or Woodrow or Lenny or Carl or Homer.

The fact is sex and relationships; while often expressed together, are separate things. You seem very willing to trade one for the other and that's just a terrible idea. Are you saying you don't get direct benefit from sex? If you don't, nobody's going to want that relationship you're dangling in front of them like a carrot either - trust me.

If you DO get benefit from it, it's a good time to see this for what it really is. You don't trade sex for a relationship, nor do you "give it up" or "give it away" or anything else so ridiculous. You use sex to create bonding and intimacy between you and someone else. Frankly, the relationship part is all but irrelevant. Be careful about holding such standards. There are many, many guys that won't give you the relationship with them you want (and frankly, deserve if that is your goal) unless they have the physical connection with you first. That changes the game rather dramatically and now becomes one where you get to grow your own personal strength and sexuality to be able to handle these things on a much more mature basis.

I wish this for you!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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Good response. Ok, well I don't have any hangups at all about being a sexual person (woman). I'm more than ready to be completely sexual and open with him. I've had many conversations with him about human sexuality, so he actually kind of knows this. He's very shrewd, cunning, smart guy who can read women. Very intelligent. Scary smart.

My question was - since he does have parties at his house every weekend where him and his roommate just take turns fucking girls and passing them around, swapping girls, fucking them, and laughing about them later - would I be stupid to even pursue this guy?

And am I just being dumb thinking he'll ever even change this type of behavior? He's already almost 30 and still partyin.

ANSWER: Hello again Doreen!

Sorry, I thought I made that clear. Yes, I think you'd be stupid to pursue this guy unless you want to be one of these girls that gets passed around. As I said before, if he wanted a relationship, he'd be doing something different than he is right now.

At some point in his life he probably will change, but it'd be a waste of your time to wait around for this as you can't predict when - or even if - it'll happen.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Yeah in class, he blows me off - and then about five minutes later he snaps his head to the side to check me out and gives me a HUGE grin. Or to catch me staring at him or something. He is always grinning at me with this huge creepy smile showing all his teeth. Psycho. Then if I try to talk to him, he blows me off again. Then I catch him staring at me again with a big Barack Obama smile. WTF?

I don't know. I think 28 years old is a little too old to be playing these dumb games blowing me off and snapping his head around like a puffer fish. Boys play these games in 4th grade, not graduate school. Come on, he's almost 30.

I'm going to leave the boy to himself - he has some SERIOUS growing up to do.LOL.

ANSWER: Hey Doreen!

Although, it seems to be working.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey,

I've actually had a serious of men do this stuff. At least 10-15 or so. Blow me off, and then look over and give me big creepy grins showing all their teeth. Like a serial killer.

Is it just part of the 'game'? Or are they really nuts and I should just run every time I encounter one of them.

Answer
Yo! Doreen!

No, it's not part of the game. Maybe it's just you. I don't think they're nuts however just because they do nutty things.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"