Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/11/2009

Question
Hey Dr. Needer. I have a couple of different questions.
I've been reading through some of your answers and one common piece of advice you give women is to not play stupid games. Girls do it all the time and 9 times out of 10, it completely screws everything up for them and she ends up not getting what she wants out of the relationship. This all makes complete sense... after all who wants to be involved with someone that is unpredictable and rude? That being said, we still feel the need to do it all the time! Even though I know better, I still sometimes catch myself not picking up the phone when guys call, avoiding him, etc etc. I realize from everything that you have written, that I'm just being stupid, but I'm wondering... why in the world do we do this in the first place? It doesn’t seem particularly logical when you stand back and think about it, but that doesn't seem to change the fact that girls do it all the time. Why do you think that is? Fear? Ignorance?

Secondly, what are some ways for a woman to be more approachable? I feel like I am a pretty friendly and bubbly person and seem to get along with just about everyone, but I also have very few guyfriends compared to girlfriends, and whenever I go out with friends or am just hanging out, very few guys if any, ever approach me. Now, I realize that part of the problem could be that I'm nearly always with a group of girls, and guys find it difficult to approach a bunch of girls together, (who could blame them?... I would probably just as comfortable approaching a bunch of guys) but I also think that I could learn to be more approachable in general. Also, how can I seem more approachable even within a group? I’m 18 and in college if that makes any difference at all.

Thanks for the insight!
Beth


Answer
Hello Beth!

What incredibly great questions these are! I thank you for asking them! More important, these are incredibly smart questions to be asking - the answers will lead you right to where you want to go - happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships with high-quality people. Isn't that reward worth just about any effort?

Let's start with this: by playing these "girl games", you're not being "stupid"; although these actions lead directly away from what you really want. In fact, it's like you said - you feel compelled to play them. I get it. It's very tough for women to NOT do these things because it's wired into you. I won't bore you with all the science behind this, but trust me, it's there.

This is true of guys too - there are many things that we want to do naturally that work against us. Becoming the friend first and not being the strong masculine energy in our relationships are two of many examples that you know I deal with every day right here.

We have to fight these natural tendencies in order to have something better - and to be better partners for the women we love. It's that realization that makes us want to seek out better ways - and many guys do.

Likewise, women have to come to the realization that these games work entirely against your own goals. It's easy to play them because technology makes it so. Just because something is easy however doesn't make it a good choice. Often, the things that are harder offer greater rewards and this is certainly an example of that fact!

In reality, both fear and ignorance play big rolls in why women do these things, but so does laziness. It's difficult to do all the right things in relationship. Trust me, my guys know this! You girls are far less tolerant of these mistakes we make than we are of yours.

On the flip side however, playing these games puts you in with guys that will tolerate them because they usually have no other choice! That's a huge pool to draw from (a good thing for you women) but it's full of "also-rans". In other words, the guys that either don't understand these games or are simply willing to play them to get what they want aren't exactly the types of guys that will make your toes curl if you know what I mean. "Picky" or "selective" aren't words I'd use to describe them. "Disparate" and "pussy" are more like it.

If you want a better type of guy, YOU have to become more worthy of him and the very best place to start is by demanding of yourself a higher plane of existence. Don't settle for "common" or "average" or "like everybody else". Demand of yourself to NOT play these games and you'll instantly rise above all your sisters that don't know the difference or simply don't care to learn.

On to your second question:

Yes, most guys don't know how to approach a group of girls so most guys simply don't do it. That's too bad because not only is it one hell of a lot of fun, it's a great way to build "social proof" (having the support, consideration, admiration and even attraction from the group.)

There are a number of ways you can make it easier for guys to approach you.

* Limit your "girl-packs" to 2-3 girls. Very few guys go out in greater numbers than this; thus, they aren't likely to approach these larger groups. If you do have more, break up into smaller numbers.

* Get your head outside the group - look around and make eye contact with everyone. Don't "wall-up" inside the girl-fort.

* When you make eye contact (and you SHOULD make eye contact) - add in a pretty smile to it! This is very compelling for some guys and can often change the guy's primary target away from one of your girlfriends to you!

* Break away from the pack on occasion - get up and walk around. Some guys wait until you're alone before they approach you.

* Be fun! Laughing, playing around (even games like darts, pool or pinball) gives you an aire of openness and tells guys you're not going to bite their heads off if they come to say hello.

* Talk to people outside your immediate group.

* Never turn down someone's approach even if you don't like the guy. Give him a little attention so that you seem like you're open to it. Otherwise, guys that you do like may not approach thinking that you're not approachable. If some guy asks you to dance - go dance! It's just a dance, not a marriage proposal.

* Never put your back to a room. Always put your back to a wall or the bar and FACE the room.

* Watch your body language. Even when you're a little scared, don't cross your arms in front of you or stare at the floor. Keep things up and open.

Remember too that you can approach guys just like we approach you. In fact, you have far better tools to do this than we do! For instance, if you happen to see a guy you'd like to talk to, just casually go over and stand just a little too close to him. If you feel scared by this, bring one of your girlfriends and talk, but "accidentally" bump into him! Trust me, he'll say hello.

Beth, I'll say this: for being only 18 years old, you are one smart chica!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"