Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/12/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello Dr. Neder,
I like your comment that you shouldn't be waiting to meet Mr. Right.  Hopefully you can help me put my tools to use.
I am 52 years old, many say I look 10 plus years younger with many things to bring to a relationship.  I seem to have difficulty finding someone interested in a serious relationship with me.  I live in a rather conservative city with few ways of meeting people, especially my age.  The city is geared to college students and families.  Little for singles. Most of the men I have met (various ages and backgrounds) has been through online dating, long distance.  None have lasted for very long. Really don't want to go that route again.
Additional obstacle is that I am African American.  Willing to date inter-racially, but never have.  Mostly attracted to younger men, 10 years or so.

My questions:
1.  Is the younger men thing good or bad?
2.  Good places to meet men?  Please don't suggest getting involved in organizations of interest.  Most of the things I am interested in are women based.
3.  If I were to see someone in public, what is a good way to approach a conversation with a possible outcome of a date or at least a phone number?
4.  Any other suggestions that would be helpful.

Thank you for your time,
Donna


ANSWER: Hello Donna!

1) Here's the reality: while the entire "cougar" concept is alive and well, it's not reality. It's primarily wishful thinking. While it's not fair, more reality is this: a woman's "stock"; and in particular, her particular "currency" (her looks) goes down as you age. Even less fair, is that men's stock and currencies go up as we get older.

Donna, these aren't my rules, they were here when I arrived. I'm not trying to depress you or dissuade you from finding that perfect guy for you - he's out there - but you're going to have to accept these facts and change your strategies in finding him.

Younger men in general are not looking to date over-50 women. Yes, there are exceptions, but consider this: what you're doing is limiting your pool of available men by seeking this. Further, as you've said, you live in a small college town. That limits your choices even further.

Younger men aren't bad choices, per say, but limiting your options is always a bad choice. Rather than set this as a goal you should be looking for "a guy that matches you and your needs" instead.

Think about this: would it really matter if he were 10 years older or 10 years younger if you were happy? Sometimes you need to balance your desires with your needs and this is one of them.

On the flip side, if you were to find a guy 10 years younger and you worked out with him, good on you for it! There's nothing particularly wrong with age at all here!

2, 3, 4) You have entirely the wrong interests unless you want to date women.

Donna, think about this for a minute: you are already limiting your choices severely. Now, you also want to limit your venues to meet these limited guys? You and I know you're far smarter than that!

It's not that you have to give up your female-based activities, but come on here! Take on some male-based ones too! Maximize your opportunities! Increase your sphere of influence! All it takes is one new hobby, one new interest, one new activity that you do on a regular basis and you instantly have access to more guys than you do right now.

Along with this, you don't just need "good places" to meet men, you need "good tools", "good techniques" to meet them.

For instance, let's say you see a guy you like (visually obviously) at the supermarket. How are you going to go make contact? If you don't have a good answer to that plan, you're again limiting your access and opportunities!

"But Dr. Dennis! I want the GUYS to approach ME!"

Sure Donna, I get it. The problem is that you're even further limiting your opportunities! Do you see what's happening here? You're finding all sorts of ways to prevent yourself from having what you want.

On the other hand, if you had real tools; real skills that you could use to approach any guy, anywhere, what changes would that make in your opportunities? You see, great guys are everywhere! Really!

Everywhere you go you can find some great guys. All you need is a way to break the ice. If you don't already have this, go to my website (http://BeingAMan.com) and take a look at the e-book, "How Women Can Approach Men". You're going to gain some really quick, valuable skills to help you in this process. Further, you're going to learn about a bunch of tools you have to approach men that even we guys don't have to approach you!

Donna, the bottom line is this: don't work against your own goals. Find ways to maximize your opportunities and explore them. You really can have what you want, but not if you prevent yourself from getting it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Dr. Neder,

Great advice!  I had not purposely limited my opportunities, but as you pointed out, that is pretty much what I have started doing.  Yes, the goal is to find the right person for me, in whatever form he comes in.

I am not afraid to approach men, but really do not know what to do without scaring them away, looking foolish, or them thinking I just want sex.  I checked out your website and your ebook looks interesting.  Definitely will check it out.  Are these ideas that you went out and tested with men and women?  If so, I bet it was fun to see the interaction.

Thanks for your response, it was uplifting, humorous (I actually chuckled in spots), and useful advise.

Donna

Answer
Hello again Donna!

I fully understand how you feel about approaching men. Welcome to our worlds! This is what we have to worry about day in and day out. On the flip side, It's the truly rare event to actually get embarrassed or shot down when you approach someone. People simply aren't that callous, and in fact, everyone wants to meet someone else of quality whether it's to date or to make new friends.

Yes, the e-book is full of field-tested ideas that actually work. Interestingly, they also help to prevent you from feeling embarrassed because many of them are simply common things you already do right now, but do them with a different intent - to meet the guy.

One example (of many) is sheer proximity. By being a little too close to a guy (in her "personal space" for instance) he's very likely to look at you and say "hi". There you go - you just increased your chances of getting to know him. More important, while women can get away with these things easily, if a guy did that to you, it'd seem creepy, right? Women have no such problem!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"