Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 5/19/2009

Question
QUESTION: We're both in college. We've been good friends for about a year. This past year, he dated a girl for almost six months before breaking up with her. Now we're both home for the summer. We live several states away, so we won't get to see each other at all until the fall. What steps can I take to encourage him to like me back? What are some ideas that you've found that have worked for other girls in the past? He knows that I've liked him in the past, but he thinks that I stopped liking him (He found out I liked him while he was dating the other girl, so I thought it was best not to press the issue). I've had feelings for him for almost two years now, and it's been miserable watching him go after other girls who don't like him as much as I do. Thank you.

ANSWER: Dear Shay,

I'm sorry he hasn't returned your favors.  That's always so hard.

Well, you have a chance here for him to "miss" you.  "Men fall in love in the spaces."  A split at this time is probably a good thing.  Besides what I'll outline, it also gives the chance for a "fresh start" when you get back to school.

First off, do not contact him.  No txt msg, no email.  I don't know if you know how to reach each other, but if he gets to thinking about you, let him be the one to make the contact.

He also needs time to get over that last girlfriend.  (We all do.)

If he's been around you, at school, and not made a move, there's something missing there for him (in regards to you).  Maybe chemistry for romance.  Don't take it personally.  A friendship can turn into a romance, but it has to do it on its own.  It sounds like he told you you stopped liking him. There's more there than what he's saying, and we can't know what it is.  For some reason -- known only to him -- he didn't want to date you at that time.

Which doesn't answer your question.  Your question is -- What steps can you take to encourage him to like you back.  Well, first of all, don't be the initiator.  That confuses things for a man.  It always works best if they are in the lead.  And if a man is interested, he will make his move.

Secondly, just be yourself when you are around him, but so some very subtle flirting.  I have a booklet on flirting you can order (email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc).  Or you can look around on the Internet or watch other girls who do it well.  It is not pressure, or heavy.  Effective, it is subtle.  Just to let him know it's dating you want, not friends. One thing to differentiate dating from friendship is to remain a little mysterious.  With "pals" you just yak and chat, talk about old romances, etc.  In flirting ... you don't.  If it's gone too far in that area already, here's your chance for a clean slate.  When you return to school, you with both have "new eyes."

It's a sad face of life that we can't make someone else want to date us.  Whatever you do, in your wish to make him like you more, don't turn into therapist or mother-confessor.  That's not girl-friend material.  He will take what you give, but then when he gets his head on straight will go out and find a GIRL FRIEND, not a COUNSELOR - if you see the difference, and yes, he has to get over the old girl friend.

I don't know if this is helpful.  The book on flirting might help.  In the meantime, busy yourself this summer doing fun and constructive things, and who knows -- you might meet someone who returns your favors, want to date you, and is a good catch.

Good luck!
Susan

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your advice! I appreciate it a lot. What do I do if he's already been texting me? Thanks.

Answer
Well, now that's good news.  But if you want to be the girl-friend, make sure you avoid the role of mother-confessor, or wiping his tears after the last one.  Men will use women that way (I won't go in to how women use men, LOL) - sob on a woman's shoulder, and she will take it as "love," and "he's sensitive."  It isn't love, and it isn't "sensitivity" -- because he's self-pitying, not being sensitive to you.  Why would one woman want to hear about another woman .. ya know.  Yet they seek a woman for such a thing, so make sure it is not you.  Position yourself for dating only.  

Answer his messages.  Keep yours short.  Maybe it's twitter and they ARE short.  Don't do it immediately; acting like you're sitting there waiting for the phone to ring kind of thing.  You're busy, you have a life, you like him but ...

You want to be DIFFERENT than the other girls.  Most men fall in love with their own perception of someone, that is - this woman is really different.  

Do not MISTAKE a txt msg thing for a relationship, in other words.  Don't let your fantasies get ahead of you.  Take it step-by-step.  It should progress - from writing, to phone, to in-person.  No, the distance is not the problem.  It is only the excuse.  A man who is interested in a woman will move heaven and earth to make it happen.  

So, see where the txt'ing leads, and don't act like it's the most important thing in your life.

Good luck,
Susan