Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/26/2009

Question
Hello
I have been in two relationships (short term approx. 6 months each) but I knew both of them were not right for me. I dated them just the same because I thought maybe I would learn to love them, which I did ( but never "in love"). I am waiting until marriage, which I advised in both relationships. I had to end both relationships because both were too pushy and forceful and would say things like: "If you love me, you'll show me..." so I would dump them. Also because it never felt "right". I think that if they truly did love me, they would not have been manipulative in to say things like that. In the past I turned down a guy that I felt a connection with and he felt the same towards me, but I was not ready- I was too young, inexperienced and also scared for a serious relationship. I came out of those two relationship drained, unhappy, and depressed. Now a couple years later- I am single, beginning to be happy again and focusing on me. But I seem to attract these guys that I am not attracted to. They just come out of nowhere, are pushy wanting to date me, and I express no interest in them whatsoever. I feel that all I seem to attract are "weak minded" indivduals, not sure of who they are, what they want, and letting people tell them what to do. I know that I use to be like this at one point in my life, and I am striving to make a positive change in my life. I have been told many times "when you least expect it, he will find you" and "you will know its him". I'm trying to keep my mind busy by going to the gym (I have an excellent personal trainer), taking some night classes, even taking up a sport and training for it. I am getting discouraged that I will not meet that "one person" I would get married to, spend the rest of life with. I have been a good girl, but I am starting to lose faith... Somehow, I just think that I should just keep doing what I am doing, get mentally-emotionally-physically strong and just be happy with myself.

Answer
Hello Mattiea!

You can thank your game-playing sisters for a lot of this pushiness you're finding from guys. These dumb games get men to work so hard that they often don't know there's any other way. Of course, when they finally get the girl, they quickly find that she wasn't worth all the work in the first place - and she's not. She's all about the games and absolutely no substance.

Yep, I'm sure you HAVE been told these silly things. You have probably also heard, "Just be yourself" and "Someone will love you for you" and about 100 other ridiculous adages that sound great, but in reality are recipes for failure in relationships. These are supposed "tidbits of wisdom" from well-meaning people that simply have no clue what it takes to find and build solid, healthy relationships. Trust me, I talk to the every single day.

Yes, you should just keep doing exactly what you're doing - and enjoying exactly the success you've enjoyed so far which is no success at all. If that's what you want, trust me, you'll have it in abundance - and your current path will insure it. I'm sure you've heard the (far more accurate) saying that, "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity." Well, that one is true!

You talk about "focusing on yourself" and becoming "happy with [your]self" etc. What you don't understand is that is ALL you've done! You haven't focused on anyone else BUT yourself. I know you won't accept that simply because you can't possibly see it.

I see it exactly in the results you're manifesting for yourself. If you're attracting "weak minded" individuals, it's simply because you've chosen weak minded paths yourself. Trust me on this one: you manifest in your life EXACTLY what you put out to the universe.

What you don't see (and what everyone else around you CAN see) is that you're entirely selfish and self-focused. You don't want to invest in anything outside yourself and believe that "Mr. Right" will be that guy that supports your selfishness as much as you do.

You won't know this, but no self-respecting man will ever do that. It's not his place to do it. Thus, you only attract guys that DON'T know this fact - and you can't love them because of it. Good choice - if you only want lukewarm, bland, unhealthy relationships where you can't fall in love.

Further, you are sexually unhealthy. Your beliefs about it are entirely selfish. You're not building any sexual strength or health. You're insisting that you remain entirely ignorant about it - both inside of yourself and others. Then, you expect some guy to just come along and unlock all your doors. What you don't get (and can't possibly understand either) is that your sexuality is extremely complicated. It takes most women many, many years to discover all of that. Further, it's the basis of everything else you are outwardly - to everyone else!

No wonder you only attract "weak minded" guys! You have nothing to offer them! Everyone else can see this whether they can understand the source of it or not. Your sexuality (and more specifically, your understanding, knowledge and acceptance of) dictate EVERYTHING about you outwardly. There's nothing as powerful as your sexuality.

You've chosen to put it into hibernation. So, when this "dream man" comes along, you're going to have nothing to offer him at all. He's going to get bored and frustrated by you and will simply move on. Of course, you'll blame him for pushing you when in fact, you've simply denied both him and yourself the benefit of your own experience. Expecting any man to be otherwise is pure selfishness.

Mattiea, I doubt you're going to understand 90% of what I've written here and will simply brush it off by saying, "Well he doesn't know me." You're wrong there too I'm afraid. I'm very familiar with your belief systems, attitudes and especially, selfishness. Some day in the future; maybe days or weeks or maybe many, many years down the road, you're going to realize that what I've told you is right.

That's the instant your life will begin to change for the better. As to how long it'll take to manifest the new results will depend on how long you spend digging yourself into this ridiculous hole you're digging right now. The deeper you go, the farther you'll have to climb to get out of it.

I just hope you at least stop digging for a while and look up to see the light of day; realizing THAT is where your answers lay. Not at the bottom of this pit.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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