Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 5/21/2009

Question
QUESTION: Ive recently been talking to a guy (we havent met yet) my friend set us up.  Its been a month, he asked me for my phone number and he texted me first...he IM's me (initiates convos) many times, but so do I!  I called him for the first time a couple days ago (not him.)  And I was the one who asked to hang out with him.  I feel like although he does IM me first and texts me first, as a girl, I shouldn't have called him first or asked him to hang out first...but I did.  Is that making me seem too desperate?  My friend told me never to make a guy think you are interested in them.  I want my pride!  But I don't want him to think im not interested either.  How do I make myself look less desperate?  How does the game work b/c Im not good at it at all.  Sometimes he replies on instant messanger after like 5 minutes, when Im always quick to respond, should I just ignore him?  I also sleep late so I can talk to him, and he knows I have work early the next morning, but when he has an 8am class, he'll sleep on time.  I just feel like I'm seeming a little too desperate, what do I do?  I WANT to talk to him and enjoy talking to him, we talk lots, but at the same time I just don't want to seem like I'm always available.  Thank you!

ANSWER: Dear Rani,

Yes you are.  Too "available," you might say.  Your friend is right - it works better to be less accessible.  Don't "sit by the phone," or appear to do so.  Answer his txt msgs after a while, not right away.  For heaven's sake don't adjust your sleep schedule for him.  And let him do the asking and the initiating.  This 'courting' behavior is hard-wired.  Men like to do the chasing.  

So - slow it down.  It's up to the woman to pace it.  Txt msg seems to really cause problems because it appears to be a relationship, but sometimes guys just want to txt and email.  There should be some forward movement.  

One way to make an impression is to disappear.  Don't answer his stuff for a day and see what happens.  He knows you're there.  And don't LET yourself feel desperate (distract yourself) if he doesn't.  Maybe if you aren't so available, he can miss your presence a bit, and feel like doing a bit more - like hanging out with you.  But let HIM ask.

Susan Dunn, M.A.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you!  Does this mean I can never initiate convos?  or never call him first?  I just thought that it was the 21st century and maybe guys would appreciate a girl who takes action or is more aggressive.  But you're probably right.  Should I make it seem like I'm not interested? Give mixed signals?  Play hard to get?  I'm really not good at this.  For example, if he asks me: we've been talking everyday, how is it going so far?" I said: "fine, except I don't like it when you randomly disappear for an hour online."  Does that make me sound like Im waiting up for him..ugh!  I feel so stupid for sayiing that now.  So what do I say when he asks me questions like that, I want him to think that I am interested but not quite there yet.  As for the meeting, I completely screwed that up from day 1 by saying "we're meeting and thats final" lol bad move, i know.  I covered it up or tried to make up for it by saying: i find it weird that i havent seen you and we talk all the time, i need to see the person im talking to..and I also made it seem like it was just a hang out, not a date.  I'm just a little confused as to what to say/what not to say.  It's making me nervous around him now, when before, I was just being myself...Im not good with these girl rules.  Thanks for all your input!

Answer
It is confusing.  It is also counter-intuitive.  And - for a woman to make it in the work world (formerly "man's" world) we have to be assertive, forthright, etc.

However ...

Courtship rules are hard-wired and that means - well you've seen all the excitement about the new fossil.  They go way back.  They are also HARD-wired.  You can't really tamper with them.  In the dating game, the man enjoys the pursuit.  Note:  ENJOYS it.  If you become the aggressor YOU TAKE ALL THE FUN OUT OF IT FOR HIM.  

When he asks you questions like that (unlike in the work world), be vague.  This gives the impression that you are not sitting by the phone - which is something no man likes.  They interpret it as needy.  It is not necessarily needy, but it comes off that way.  Think of the hunt.  They don't pull up in front of a deer tied to a stake in the ground.  They go AFTER the deer, hunt for it, it shows the tip of its white tail behind a bush and darts off, and they get excited and go pursue.

Rule:  Men do not like to be told what to do.  Yes, you screwed up on that one.  It comes off as - I'm desperate for a man, and also when you are MY man I will feel free to tell you what to do.  I will become the boss of you.

You can see that would be unappealing.  Yes?

Instead, you could - ignore that he isn't seeing you, but appear to lose interest.  Don't answer his txt much any more ... this SHOWS HIM that you are losing interest, and challenges him to come up with DOING something to regain your interest.

This is not exactly game-playing because there's a Chinese saying -- No amount of stalking will produce game in a field where there is none.  In other words, if he isn't romantically interested in you, it's not going to happen.  If he IS romantically interested in you - the mistake most women make is that then all you have to do is sit there.  It's a matter not of doing something, but of NOT SCREWING IT UP.  

I'm sure you've seen it with others.  The man will keep after the woman, even with little or no encouragement.  They want what they want.

RULE:  A man does not value something he does not have to work for.

Make him work for it.

Is this mean?  Nope.  Be easy to be with, but hard to get.

Don't use "need."  That's a red flag.  You don't have a relationship yet, and even if you did.  Say, lightly, "so maybe we can talk in person some day," or "might be nice to see a face."  But you see, in saying anything, you are forcing the issue.  When it's HIS idea, he'll see you face-to-face.

I wouldn't call him first.  Ever.  Just works better that way.

I have coached hundreds of women at this -- all ages.  One woman put it quite well.  We were talking about 'the pursuit,' and she said to the class, "All I can say - every time I've done it's been a %^&*)( nightmare."

You will find that to be true.

If you want coaching - and you could use it - email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .  

I have lists of the rules, we talk about why, we go over particular examples, and it gives you some guidelines.  

"Think like a man but act like a lady."

Big point - the way a woman behaves at work, in her career, is a totally other thing.  If you carry that over into the world of romance, it won't work.  However, it DOES work in career.  This is part of learning how to compartmentalize, and stretch your personality a bit.  It's still "you" but you are becoming AWARE, emotionally intelligent, and gaining new tools in your arsenal.  

P.S.  Being "yourself" is highly over-rated.  What we like is when someone is their "best self."  

Good luck
Susan Dunn, M/.A.