Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/26/2009

Question
QUESTION: After taking your advice, I decided to just roll with it, and have completely thrown the "rule" idea out the window. But now I'm feeling desperate again!  I didnt talk to him all day yesterday, or today.  So I texted him at night (after waiting until 10 pm) saying: are you at your computer? and he told me he'd text me when he'd go on, he came online, I told him i hated him (in a playful way) b/c i haden't talked to him in so long, he said: "you can't hate me b/c u wudnt hav texted me and waited for me to come online,"  I didn't even cover up that fact (i guess i wanted to show him that i am interested!) so i said, and now your leaving:( (he had to study) he promised that he'd have  a good convo with me tomorrow.  Now im thinking not to go online tomorrow, so that he doesnt think i "wait up for him" or NEED to talk to him (when we arent in a relationshp)  I feel like i made it seem like i missed him and that this IS a relationship, when it clearly isnt!  I kinda feel like giving him mixed signals now so that i dont seem needy or like i miss him.  
Just an fyi: this is the first time i texted him first, he usually texts first and initiates online convos.  However, I did get upset (but said playfully) once for taking so long responding to my instant messaging (does that seem needy?)  this is SO HARD!  im not good at this at all.  Should I not go online tomorrow to show him i dont care?  (he promised me that nice conversation...that I REALLY WANNA HAVE but wont if it makes me seem like I waited all day for it!)  

I want him to pursue me, and I want us to evenly take control of this relationshp.  Right now i feel like hes in full control, and that is not cool!  How do I manage both of us having control?

ANSWER: Hello Yasmine!

I understand. All that feminine wiring and misinformation just wants to kick in and make you feel insecure. You have to fight that urge - and it's a strong one. I totally get it.

Here's the key you need: extend out your view. What I mean by that is simple: you're looking at the very-short-term. You're only seeing the bumps in the road and thus, every one of them is a huge deal. What you should be doing is looking far down the road and ignoring the individual bumps along the way.

Guys operate on an extended timeframe. We think in terms of weeks and months, not hours and days like you do.

Think about this: he DID go online to talk to you! Isn't that an important clue about his intentions? He's also told you that he'll talk to you today. Relax and see if he keeps his promise. That's another huge clue.

The aspect of control that you REALLY want is to move this out of technology and into real life. That's where you should be focusing your energy - and take a longer-term view of things. Take a deep breath and RELAX. Everything is moving just as it should be.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks!  
Okay last question:

Have you seen the movie: "he's just not that into you?"  Sometimes I feel like the first character in the film (who was literally doing yoga with her phone by her side.)  It nags at me sometimes.  Waiting for his IM, waiting for a phone call, waiting for a text...i DO NOT want to b like that, b/c the more i expect it, the less it happens!  How do I change this attitude?  I know keeping busy helps, but at night, when I've got nothin to do, my minds on "why isn't he texting, calling, IMing?"  its HORRIBLE!  and i know the stars and the universe are never in favor of what i want when I want something THAT BAD!  How do I get over it and just not think about that sorta thing, and just GET ON WITH MY LIFE! I'm starting to find this stressful, I wish we never met:(

Answer
Hello again Yasmine!

No, I haven't seen that movie but I've heard of it. I also understand how you feel - yes it is stressful.

You need something else to focus on while this is getting started. Do you have a hobby? Friends? You should be immersing yourself in them. The problem is that right now, this budding relationship is all you have and thus, all you're focused on.

Mix it up a bit and that will take a lot of the edge off.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"