Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/7/2009

Question
Hello. Two questions.
1. The girls that give sex up front are getting all the guys...but they don't keep them for long. Guys view them as a fuck buddy type thing but not for a real relationship. The women who wait a bit to give out sex live most of their lives lonely, but end up marrying the guy at the very end, but are alone and depressed most of their lives. Any way to strike a balance here?
2. Let's say you are in a job situation, you are a very nice, humble, attractive, and articulate person. You do not get into fights and do not start petty drama, you are professional and only there to work. These types of people get resented for some reason. Everyone hates them and they usually end up being bullied, possibly due to coworker jealousy? i am not sure, but both men and women are guilty of this. So how do you become successful at the job without everyone hating you? Being friendly and sociable to these nasty people does not work.
3. When a whole group of people gang up on you and starts arguments with you, how should you respond? Should you fight back, or just laugh and walk away? If there is a whole group of people, these bullies will not leave you alone, you have to stand up to them. But the problem is bullies tend to be psychotic, every time you scream back at them, they scream back louder. They are nastier and will fight dirtier than you can ever imagine (i can be pretty nasty myself...but i have limits) how do you deal with this situation? Plus one on one is possible, but when you are in a group situation, it is extremely difficult to tackle a huge group of people screaming in your face. Let's say you cannot move, you are stuck there dealing with them in that job (or school, dorm, hotel, apartment, whatever) What to do? You cannot win easily here.

Hello Leslie!
1) Where did you get the idea that they don't keep them that long? In my experience and according to my own research, it's the girls that try to hold out too long that lose guys.
If you're find this is happening to you and your friends, it's because you're not getting investments back from your sex partners. You're doing dumb things like "hanging out" together rather than dating; and probably doing 1001 other bad-idea things along the way.
The balance comes in first realizing that sex is it's own benefit as well as a connection between you and a partner. It's based on that connection (and notice I didn't say "relationship") that this comes about. The relationship comes later on, but there has to be some foundation for having sex if you want more than just the sex itself.
2) More balance. People often spend many hours at work, and thus develop a connection with their co-workers. The more friendly you are with these people you see every day, the more you develop a support group among them. If all you do is keep your eyes down on your work, your seen as an outsider.
Work shouldn't be simply about growing your career. It's about all sorts of fun things and you're missing the boat if you think that it's all work and no play. More important, you'll also miss a ton of promotion opportunities too because the reality is that people are rarely promoted from hard work alone.
3) How do *I* respond or how should *YOU* respond?
Keep in mind that I actually get this a lot! My work is controversial to say the least. In fact, just this morning, I've found a large number of flame-responses to an interview that I did recently that is posted on the internet. My response will be to go hammer those people back! I do this for two reasons: first, it's in my nature. Second, it's one hell of a lot of fun!
These bullies don't scare me; and in fact, I realize that they only do this because they think they can get away with it. They'd never do these things to my face! Those that try get shut down pretty quickly.
If these people are psychotic, there's absolutely nothing you can do. You can't throw "sane" at them and expect them to respond to it with anything else BUT crazy. Thus, you might want to learn to use that to your advantage.
There's a funny aspect of human nature. In fact, you see this all through the animal kingdom as well. We tend to gang up on those that we perceive as weak. We seem to have a natural aversion to weakness in those that are around us.
On the other hand, we honor strength! What always happens is that as soon as I start going after these people as individuals out of the group, others; either inside the group itself, or outside of it, actually jump into the fight! This is particularly true when you're right - and others know it.
My response is this: don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Right really does make might, but weakness draws even more abuse - and abusers.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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Thank you.

1. How do you get an "investment" back from your sex partner?

2 & 3. Being friendly, gracious, and helpful with these people from the beginning does not work. They are just simply mean people and/or psychotic. Even if you stand up for yourself, and tell them off, they just laugh and say "another fight! wow that was so much fun! let's see if we can get into another fight tomorrow!" If you are stuck with them, what do you do then?

Answer
Hello again Leslie!

1) I don't know your partner, so it's hard to say. Investment comes in many forms from simply returning (and initiating phone calls) to setting up long-term plans in terms of relationships.

2 & 3) Then you don't know how to build friendships and team players.

Of course it works, unless you're just one lazy jackass that thinks everyone has it out for her or that needs to seek you out and become your friend before you'll do anything back.

If you're finding that people mistreat - and mistrust - you, then it's a simple matter of looking in the mirror. YOU aren't building connections with these people and are keeping them away. Certainly, there are some people you don't want that close but even these people want some form of connection with you. If they think you're stuck-up, self-centered and offish, it's because you likely are.

There are exceedingly few really "mean" people. Further, they aren't likely to keep a job for very long because nobody would allow that.

If you're finding that you're creating these sorts of relationships at work - especially if it's with more than one person and that person (or people) don't have the same problem with others there, you need to do some very serious soul-searching. The problem isn't them - it's you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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