Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/7/2009

Question
Dennis, a couple questions.
I'm sorry if these are exhausting.
1. How come in the old days, women (and men) were expected to stay virgins until marriage, and then would have sex for the first time in their life with their husband on their wedding night? Both were starting from scratch, how did sex play into these types of marriages? Also a lot of these marriages were either arranged marriages not based on love, or were some possibly sort of business transaction. What types of sex lives did they lead? It is only very recently that we have had a sexual revolution where men/women could sleep around, use birth control and condoms. So how have standards changed for marriages now? Do you think people are more willing to divorce now as well due to these changes?
2. Why are female porn stars always bisexual, on their myspace pages it will even say that they are bisexual in real life, and 90% of the time they will perform lesbian scenes with women, but then in real life they always marry men? It is not even marriage, even just dating as well. Why don't they date women? They are not bi-curious, they are bisexual. Every single one of them is with a man.
3. In what ways is sexuality already pre-wired into men? And what do you mean about women starting from scratch about their sexuality. HOw about a woman who is a virgin, but is enthusiastic about sex (when she meets the next guy she feels comfortable with) and watches porn, etc... how can she start becoming a sexual person? And can a virgin be a sexual person?
4. What is defined by a "sexual person" and how is it different than a "sensual person"?
5. How does your sexuality change your relationships in life? meaning friends, parents, coworkers, etc. not romantic or sexual.
6. HOw do you deal with your/other hurts and expectations? when it comes to relatoinships. how do you live this life with no regrets.
- on a side note - i should add there are a whole lot of men i'm glad i didn't sleep with. and one or two i wish i had.
~thank you~

Hello!
Well now! Aren't we full of questions this morning?
You've asked me a LOT of really complicated questions here. Are you even going to read all of this??? I'll try to answer these for you, but in the future, I'd appreciate it if you would stick to a single question, or if you don't think you can, do me the courtesy of buying some personal-coaching time from my website. This is a lot of my valuable time to take up exploring philosophy; and while I'm happy to answer these for you, it takes away from time that I'd otherwise have to help someone else that really needs it.
1) You have some misunderstandings of where this all came from and the realities of how it played out in the past and culturally.
First of all, the concept of saving one's self for marriage has actually practiced by a rather small minority of people; historically speaking. In the rest of the world, so such ridiculous beliefs have ever existed.
This originally happened around the 1200's (less than 1000 years ago) when the Catholic church imposed celibacy on priests as a way to prevent church assets from being willed away from the church itself to family members. If you have no family to will these assets to, they aren't going to be lost.
At this same time, the church had no official stand on sex either within; or outside the context of marriage. In fact, marriage itself was a rather loosely-defined thing without all the laws and ceremonies governing it that we have today.
Later on - around the 1300's - the church "recommended" that people hold back sex until they were married. Why? Simple: they began to see that people were moving away from organized religion; particularly because of death from disease were causing many believers to stop their reliance on the church and God to save them and their families.
The church realized that beginning to control their parishioner's sexualities, they would also control the person themselves. This was the beginnings of these dumb beliefs that some people carry today.
In the 1800's; "Victorian Beliefs", "Comstock Laws" and a bunch of other events took it even further and we are only now (in the past 50 years) beginning to right these ignorant social beliefs and stigma; although some people still hold on to them.
In other cultures that support arrangement marriages; it's extremely rare for men to be expected to be celibate until marriage. Even after these marriages are created - and the couple produces children - the men are often expected to have other "relationships for love" outside the marriage itself. This isn't afforded to women however due to the inability to determine who sired the couple's children if multiple men were involved. In fact, as many as 1/3 of all children born to couples in the early 1900's were sired by someone other than the husband - the same believed rate we're seeing today!
Interestingly, there are many other common misbeliefs about marriage and sex built around
By the way, do you know the term "cum" and "scumbag" have the same origin? In the early 1800's the precursor to the modern condom was invented. The slang term for these were "scumbag" which is why we use it as a derogatory term today. "Scum" was the slang for the noun "cum" and was later shortened by dropping the "s".
The reasons people divorce today have only a little to do with birth control and marriage practices. In fact, there are many other, far more important reasons for it.
2) They say bisexual because this helps to boost their careers. If they say "straight" it limits their ability to get work in many shoots because there is almost always some lesbian scenes involved.
Interestingly, it doesn't hurt to put "lesbian" into a woman's bio! I have one friend in the industry that only does lesbian porn on camera, but is actually a bisexual.
Remember that porn is a job - not a lifestyle. Just as you do with your job, these women want to maximize their chances of working and growing their careers.
3 & 4) If you strip away all the cultural stigma and adverse training that we throw at children, you have a purely sexual being. In fact, many of the day-to-day things you do such as selecting which outfit to wear today is controlled directly by your sexuality.
Biologists and sociologists agree that the most important function of any living organism (including humans) is to reproduce. Without this biological directive, we would simply have died off.
In one form or another, every action you take and every aspect of your physical body and emotional selves are directly tied to - and controlled by your sexuality. This is the pre-wiring I speak of.
In fact, our bodies have even evolved to maximize our visual sexuality. There's quite a lot of detail to this that I won't get into as you have so many other questions, but suffice it to say that it's true.
What hasn't evolved in us is our skill at expressing that sexuality. Men have a natural mechanism to not only seek out sex, but to climax as a part of it. Women have no such mechanism however. You girls have to learn this very basic skill. Why? Because while our orgasms are tied with this primary directive of nature (to reproduce) you don't have to do this to accomplish the same thing!
There is much to learn about performing sexually and almost 100% of this is learned - not pre-wired. However, all of the foundations are there - and they're pretty complicated. They involve not only physical aspects but emotional, intellectual and spiritual ones as well.
Just one example of many, many of them: young, inexperienced guys often think that if you learn to touch a woman in just the right spot, she'll climax - just like they do. Obviously, that's not the case. You simply work differently than we do. There's a lot of learning that goes on to understand not only that this isn't true, but why it isn't true and more importantly, what DOES work for you - and every woman is a new and different experiment.
As to how people become sexual people; in fact, they already are. Society and culture work hard to train this out of us! Think about the church's control that I mentioned before. There are good reasons why you want some control on people's sexuality however. We have to accomplish things and if we were all rushing around fucking everything in sight, we'd never get very far as cultural beings.
Thus, much of this education is un-learning cultures controls! Even virgins can do that.
The next most important thing is masturbation. This is the chance to explore your own sexuality in a safe, comfortable way. It's not just about stress relief, it's about exploring those aspects of yourself that are sexual - what turns you on and what aspects of your physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual being blossom because of that sexuality.
The third step is experience with other people.
Since we don't just use sex for reproduction; (in fact, we use sex for many, many other things too: community building, war avoidance, negotiation for rights, property and territory, connection with others, communication, expressions of literally every emotion, financial support and many, many other things) the more experience you have with it, the better you're able to use this important tool for both your own - and other's - benefit.
This actually becomes something of a loop: you masturbate to get in touch with your own sexuality. You then turn this outward to others to discover their's and then go back and masturbate some more with this new experience to grow your own only to turn it back to others...etc.
5) Dramatically. Since every other aspect of your persona is controlled by your sexuality, so are your relationships - even non-sexual relationships - controlled by it. The strong and more experienced (mature) your sexuality is, the better and more colorful your relationships with other people are. There's a very direct and clear correlation between them all.
6) You don't. Regret is an important part of life. You also have to realize that each other person is in a state of "becoming". They are becoming the people they will eventually be. For some, they've arrived and have stopped growing. For others they haven't even started yet.
Whatever the case, those are their own personal choices to make. You don't get to decide that for them. Thus, you also don't control their hurt or expectations. You can only control yours.
That isn't to say that you can simply inflict hurt without ramifications. You can't. You'll develop a lot of enemies doing that. Instead, you have to simply let people "become" without trying to directly manipulate their becomming by inflicting harm.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
--------------------------

Thank you for the excellent response.

1. How many women in porn do you really think are bisexual, lesbian, or straight?

2. What are some things a woman can do in bed to please a man?

Answer
Hello again!

1) I have no reliable statistics on this, but I'll bet it's not different from any other industry.

2) Here's an article from my website about 10 ways women can be lousy in bed - just turn it around and you have your answer: http://beingaman.com/articleviewer.asp?ID=490

Specific things however include:

* Learn how to give a good blowjob. Every woman says, "Well, I've never had any complaints", and frankly, exceedingly few women really know the skill well - less than 10%. After all, what guy is going to complain even if it's not done properly??

* Enthusiasm. Nothing is more of a turn-off than someone that is lack-luster about sex.

* Being sexually open and not withholding.

* Being comfortable with and knowledgeable of one's own sexuality...

* ...and being able to communicate it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"