Expert: L.E. Coleman - 6/4/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Coleman,

This is Gayatri from India. I have been dating a guy foo almost 8 months now and have known him for more than a year and a half. We are very much in love and have always kept marriage with each other as the ultimate aim of our relationship. My mother has never approved of our relationship and has always demeaned him for not being a well settled guy. My guy is yet to get stable in his career. What bothers my Mother more is the fact that my Guy is 2 years younger than me. But we as a couple have always been extremely understanding. But almost 10 days back, my Mother read my personal text message sent on my Mobile by him. On reading the message, she got violent and tsrated abusing him. I was not able to take all this and started protesting. She called him up on his phone and asked him to come over to our place and face her if he dared. On overhearing me cry over the phone, he came over to my place to take him along with him. But I was then not in a position to go as it would have made the situations worse. My Parents remained seperated for almost 17 years. I reunited them 3 years back. My Dad and Mom are still at loggerheads and I don't get peace at home. My Family Dr. has told me firmly that my Mom needs a regular counsellign sessions. My Mom abused and cursed me guy so much that it has cast a very negative impression oh his mind. She also cursed me by tellign that if I get married to him, then she would wish I turn a widow the same day. I was deeply hurt and so was he. Now the point is , my guy is shying away from me. The one who was keen to get married to me, now fears getting closer to me. He said, he would just be friends with me. I know he loves me very mcuh and the reason he is trying to behave different is because he fears the curse of my Mother might come true. How do I get him back and make him feel that these are testing times in a relationship. I truely love him and want to marry him alone. Please help. I know it will take some time for him to overcome that days drama. He tends to get irritated with me the moment I talk about our relationship. How should I handle such a situation? Please guide me.

ANSWER: Hi Gayatri.

First, tell me how old you are and your current situation, i.e. going to school, working, etc...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I am 25 years of age...My guy is 23...I am working with an Indian Entertainment Channel as a Marketing person. He is an Actor and has worked with the top TV Production Companies...The Entertainment Field is never a secure source of Income...but artists are such...they cannot opt for any other way to earn their living..My guy just wants to try his luck for a couple of more years...if things work well for him..then its well and good...else he would invest some good money into garment business...This is the third serious relationship of my life...the first two guys were equally dedicated and committed to me...so much so that we had decided to get married...but my Mom has always created trouble for us...initially she would accept them in my life...eventually she would decline for no good reason...Not only that she would call them up and abuse them left right and center...may be even blackmail them...My mother takes pride in the fact that she has brought me up single handedly...she often tells me what she has sacrificed for me...making me feel I have been obliged...My Mom is out of town and shall be back on Saturday...I called up my Guy yesterday after writing to you...I said "Dear don't shy away...I guess whatever decision you have made is fine and that I too would want to get strong as you have become...I too would just want to remain friends with you" When I ended up saying this to him...I could sense a relief in his voice...Indians are very sentimental about the issue of being cursed ...he is extremely sensitive to such things...so it seems he was feeling suffocated thinking that my Mom would keep on cursing him if he continued the relationship with me...He sent a text message to my Mom last night saying that I have ended the relationship with your daughter...so please stop cursing me...I got to know this from my Mother when I had casually called her up...
I think if I create some distance between myself and my Guy...make him feel I am getting stronger than him by overcoming this temporary break up...then I think I will be able to make him feel insecure and this eventually will bring him back to me...Donno if I am thinking right or wrong...but one thing is for sure...he madly loves me...but is a little immature...had he behaved a little matured...he would have challenged my Mother by telling her that "yes I might not have a settled career today...but tomorrow I will certainly get settled...one day shall certainly come when you yourself would come to me to get your daughter married to me"...WISH he had said something of this sort...But I guess I need to make up for all the silly ways he has been reacting...he is acting as if he is over the relationship...but he isn't...Please guide me...believe me...he loves me like crazy...but is still childlike in his approach....What to do???

Answer
Hi Gayatri.

Since there may be a vast cultural difference as to how to handle these types of situations, I'll have to tread on thin ice, here.  If you were in the States things might be a little more easier for you as a lot of women here have learned to detach from what other people want them to do.
If you truly want to be happy you're going to have to do some things which are not going to make you feel very good. You see, in reality, it's not so much your boyfriend's lack of standing up to mother that's the problem--it's YOUR lack of effort for setting boundaries with your mother that's the real issue here.  Just how much and how long will you let your mother interfere in your life?  I know you love your mother, this is obvious.  But you must first love yourself to such a degree that you would be willing to part ways with her for the time being.
She's emotionally blackmailing and manipulating you by trying lay guilt trips on you about what man you can be involved with, and you give in to her every time.  Until you can set boundaries with your mother you will never be happy with finding that true love. No man will never be good enough in you mother's eyes because your mother feels she's not good enough to be happy. She's not going to tell you this because her pride won't let her.  She'll continue to project all her unhappiness on you and your relationships because she's truly not happy with her relationships.  See things for what they are, not for what you want them to be. Even if you found a man who was perfect in your mothers eyes, sooner or later she'd get around to telling YOU that YOU weren't good enough for him. Think about this very seriously because your future depends on what you do from this point forward.

My dear Gayatri, no man in his right mind will want a woman who isn't secure enough in her own womanhood to live her own life without being twisted, manipulated and turned by her mother.  Your guy wants to be happy with you, not with your mother.  Your guy wants to sleep with you, not your mother. Your guy only wants your love and attention, not love and attention from your mother. To think that you could bring a man into this type of world is not very realistic. Even if he were to come into your world, after a while he'd quit, give up and leave because he couldn't take it.  So, my friend, you've got a lot to think about.  You say you really want you guy back...but how far are you willing to go to be happy with him.
You are right about one thing: He is very immature for believing that your mother curse means something. A curse is a curse to the one who believes it.  Your guy has some problems but so do you.  Once the both of you have crossed a threshold into honoring yourselves and your own happiness first, the universe will open the door to happiness.  All is not lost.  You appear to be a person who genuinely has a lot of love to give and share with that special man.  The current guy might be the one or he may not be the one for you. One thing is certain: you'll never know if you don't start standing up for what you want. You'll never know if you're still seeking your mother's approval.  
Don't worry about anything. Fear will keep your soul mate from showing up in your life.  If you truly want a loving relationship, let that intention go into the universe and begin to thank God that he/she or it has honored your sincerity and heartfelt prayer.

God Bless, my friend