Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/16/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hey! Well I'm having a problem. For some reason, I am starting to like this guy that I have liked since 6th grade. I'm a rising sophomore now. In 8th grade, I told him how I felt, and he seemed pretty cool with it. But then it just started getting awkward and we weren't as close by the end of the year. Even this year (Freshman year), we weren't that close. We were almost like peanut butter and jelly. I think that we were better off as friends, rather than in a relationship. Anyways, these feelings started coming back Saturday night while I was at a party. I was having a fantasy that we were dancing together and that everyone was "Awwwwwhing" and "Ooooooing" while watching us. Then we would gaze into each others' eyes and just start laughing. I put my head onto his shoulder and then he kissed me. After the whole incident in 8th grade, I told everyone that I didn't like him anymore. Now, I'm starting to question myself on whether or not I ever stopped liking him. Do I still like him? Or is it just lust? If I do, what should I do next?

Thanks,
Brittainy

P.S: He is REALLY attractive and a lot of other girls like him. I'm just an average looking girl who has never had a boyfriend. I am very unconfident about my chances with him because he could basically have any girl that he wants, and there are prettier girls in the sea. How should I build my confidence?

ANSWER: Hello Brittainy!

If you haven't really thought about him for awhile and are only now doing so, what's probably happening is that you've forgotten all the things you didn't like about him before and now only remember the positive things. Nature is funny that way. We forget negatives and retain positives.

So, you have this fantasy about him and realize you like him again. Remember that doesn't take into account any of the problems you and he had before. If you and he were to get back together, pretty soon you'd start feeling the way you did before and things would change again.

It sounds like your confidence issues aren't about him - they are about you in general. Remember first that nobody is always totally confident about anything. In other words, you never get to "own" confidence. What you can do however is learn to bring out confidence when you need it.

You do this by dwelling on your assets rather than your liabilities. Everyone has both. You claim that you're not as pretty as other girls. Do you know what? Even the prettiest girls feel the same way! What you're missing however is that there are very pretty things about you and that's where you need to focus your attention - exclusively. Don't spend even a minute considering what you don't have. Instead focus on - and maximize - what you do.

This might mean changing your make-up or clothing or the way you walk or even your circle of friends. Whatever it takes to help you really narrow your mind down on those assets is key.

When you begin to do this, your confidence level will change pretty dramatically.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: So what you are saying is that I should think this through before making a move? And we were never a couple; he just kinda started to drift away from me. We actually got into a fight last summer and we didn't start talking to each other until about November 2008. After that, I just pretended to get mad at him over the dumbest reasons so that he would try to get my attention more, which worked. But I missed talking to him, so I "forgave" him. I'm just not sure how to make him fall for me and what he looks for in a girl.

Answer
Hello again Brittainy!

Well, always! If you simply react to things, you're never going to get the best a situation has to offer you.

What's with the games? If you want to be sure that you'll never have a quality relationship, keep playing them. The only guys that play these games with girls are guys that are into the games - and not you. As soon as the games end, so does their interest.

If you want him to fall for you, you've got to fight that natural urge to be anything but honest with him.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"