Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/5/2009

Question
QUESTION: My question is I am in my mid forties and I want to know how do you find a boyfriend these days, I haven't dated in a long time, well months to be exact but it didn't lead to that..I met someone about a month ago who lives 40 min away but, he didn't ask me to go out on a date yet..I am also still looking for a job been awhile out of work now.  Okay, hope you can help..thanks

ANSWER: Hello Joann!

First of all, you probably know how much I plead with people to avoid long-distance relationships. The good news is that 40-minutes away isn't not one of these. In general, anything an hour or less is not long-distance, so if you can put something together with this guy and you really like him, go for it.

There are a number of keys to finding and building relationships when you're a little older (and remember, mid-40's isn't "old" these days.) The first key is to be where you find men. Obviously, if you're spending your time at work and at home and the occasional cooking class, you're not likely to run into many men. Thus, you need to get out there.

There are all sorts of great venues to meet guys these days from community-oriented events to civic organizations to classes to dances or just being out-and-around. Of course, you have to keep your eyes off the ground to actually notice these guys too. Learning to make eye contact is a critical part of this by the way as are other flirting techniques.

Realize also that many men simply don't know how to pull the trigger with someone they meet. That's incredibly unfortunate as many potential relationships never get started because the guy doesn't know how to make them happen and the girl doesn't know she can make it happen herself.

You have many, many ways of meeting guys that even us guys don't have! With this being the new millennium, it's really ok for women to approach men by the way. Yes, I understand that you want that feeling of being approached and even swept off your feet, but sometimes, the guys around you just don't know how. You can help them along with all of these tools. If you want to know more about this, check out the e-book on my website (http://BeingAMan.com) called "How Women Can Approach Men".

If you don't already have them, I strongly recommend that you create clear, complete, written relationship goals. These are extremely important from a number of aspects. First, they give you the beginnings of a plan of action. Second, they help you to define what you're really looking for and third, they help to program your mind to specifically seek-out these sorts of guys.

Once you have your goals in order, the next step is to create your plan of action. This plan has to include widening your "sphere of influence." This is about casting a much wider net in order to find those guys that meet your goals.

You need to also learn how to follow through with meeting them! Simply saying, "I want to meet new guys" and then doing nothing about it is a waste. One example of this is the 40-minute guy. He hasn't asked you out yet (and frankly, I don't know why not he may not know how or he may not even know you're interested!) but you haven't asked him out either from what I can tell.

You women often shoot yourselves in the foot over these things. You are either far too subtle about your interests and guys don't pick it up, or you start playing all sorts of really dumb games trying to get the guy to chase you and he simply loses interest. You absolutely have to stop doing these things to sabotage your success with men!

Hopefully by your mid-40's you've gotten over the knee-jerk reaction to do these things, but in fact, many women don't. I hope you're not one of them. If you are, that's the very first place to start working. Don't do all the other work I've mentioned and still think you can keep the games and be successful. You can't. If you DO have any success it'll be only with guys that also want to play games - and are only in it for the games themselves, not you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi,  thanks a lot for the long answer.  Well, he says that he's busy working on things, his motorcycles, now he has an event this weekend..  I don't know he's nice but he looks much older than he says and his face is wrinkled.  Well, now I'm concentrating on finding a job first I believe is more important.  The other thing is that I've dated if you can call it that, this other man ten years older than me like on and off for months, last time we went out was three months ago, I recently saw him someplace and he didnt' really react much..but I called and left messages, to make a long story short and he didn't get back to me but then on sat he called and didn't leave a message, I called back a few min later and he shut the phone off...I left messages and nothing..I hope this makes sense to you but, now I'm just going to hold off for a little bit and see if he tries again, what do you think his happening there...?  okay thnks again... Joann

ANSWER: Hello again Joann!

I'm afraid I don't read minds in order to tell you what happened with this guy. If you want to know, you're just going to have to ask him.

On the flip side, dating is a numbers game. You may need to go through more than just a few of them to find what you're looking for. That makes it all the more important to widen that sphere of influence.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I called my male friend, if you want to call it that, I asked why he didn't call me back..that's it, I left messages and all he said was don't worry about it then he added he was doing things, I said i'm not going to worry about it...but I later thought about it and wanted to say what do you mean don't worry about it?  anyways, do you know what he would say that, then he invited me over and I said that I was going out.. Okay, please get back...thanks

Answer
Hey Joann!

Ok, I'm "back". Now what? You didn't ask me anything.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"