Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 6/9/2009

Question
QUESTION: This is Gayatri from India. I have been dating a guy foo almost 8 months now and have known him for more than a year and a half. We are very much in love and have always kept marriage with each other as the ultimate aim of our relationship. My mother has never approved of our relationship and has always demeaned him for not being a well settled guy. My guy is yet to get stable in his career. What bothers my Mother more is the fact that my Guy is 2 years younger than me. But we as a couple have always been extremely understanding. But almost 10 days back, my Mother read my personal text message sent on my Mobile by him. On reading the message, she got violent and started abusing him. I was not able to take all this and started protesting. She called him up on his phone and asked him to come over to our place and face her if he dared. On overhearing me cry over the phone, he came over to my place to take him along with him. But I was then not in a position to go as it would have made the situations worse. My Parents remained separated for almost 17 years. I reunited them 3 years back. My Dad and Mom are still at loggerheads and I don't get peace at home. My Family Dr. has told me firmly that my Mom needs a regular counselling sessions. My Mom abused and cursed me guy so much that it has cast a very negative impression oh his mind. She also cursed me by telling that if I get married to him, then she would wish I turn a widow the same day. I was deeply hurt and so was he. Now the point is , my guy is shying away from me. The one who was keen to get married to me, now fears getting closer to me. He said, he would just be friends with me. I know he loves me very much and the reason he is trying to behave different is because he fears the curse of my Mother might come true. How do I get him back and make him feel that these are testing times in a relationship. I truly love him and want to marry him alone. Please help. I know it will take some time for him to overcome that days drama. He tends to get irritated with me the moment I talk about our relationship. How should I handle such a situation? Please guide me."


ANSWER: This is complicated that's for sure.  I wonder are you living at home, and why the two of you have not married.  If someone believes in "curses" there isn't much can be done.  You do not say how old you are, if you live at home and what the circumstances are.  Several people write me from India about the "arranged" marriages ... and they happen -- unofficially -- in the US as well.  I do not know you, your age or circumstances, enough to say -- if you are capable of making a good decision on marriage on you own.  If you are 17 or 18 , it's one thing.  If you are 25, 29, that's another.

As it sets up, you date/marry this guy against the wishes of your parents.  This requires maturity, good judgment, being able to make it on your own, and dealing with the tumult from the parents. People marry against their parents' wishes ... sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.  

To your specific question - give him time, don't pressure him, but he's got to be thinking - what would this be like all the time, with a mother like that?  And maybe he believes in curses.  

Let the aftermath subside a bit, and then contact him and see what he thinks, etc.  

All the best,
Susan Dunn
MA



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Susan,

I am 25 years of age and my Guy is 23. Now you know why my Mom is dead against our relationship. He is on the threshold of his career and will be able to settle down only when he has sufficient savings at his disposal. We were very happy together in the relationship and had a great understanding...the age difference between the two of us never bothered us even a bit. We had plans for marriage only when we were financially self-dependant. Its been almost 15 days since the drama had taken place. My guy, though he still loves me (I am pretty sure) was blunt enough to call off the relationship the very next day. Since then we met only thrice. On all the three occasions I was bitterly weeping and asking him to get back into my life. I realized it off late that he was behaving like a loser by calling it quits. Now I haven't spoken to him for quite some time. Spoke to him on Sunday but kept the conversation very crisp. Did not show any signs of desperation. But I need him back in my life. In fact one good thing I believe I did was telling him almost a week that he was right by calling the relationship off. I could sense it slightly hurt his ego. But as you rightly said we cannot help if anybody takes curses so seriously. Now I think I should know my worth and not make him feel he did right be breaking up with me. I want him to repent. The moment he sees me undisturbed with the break-up I am sure he will gradually come crawling to me...I guess that is what men usually do. Men want self-dependant women, confident women, optimistic women and of course beautiful women. Not that I was not an able woman but I was always under pressure and could never show the real ME in me.  I am pretty sure he is just putting up an act of getting emotionally detached from me but my heart knows, my God knows he deeply loves me still and shall always keep loving me. I guess its just a matter of time that has temporarily kept us apart but I am only taking the positives from the break- giving myself (mind, body) more attention, doing things that I have always wanted to...I am sure the day he sees a new ME he will only kick himself for leaving me and would approach me for a new begriming. Also I have made it very clear to my parents to give me some space and that I am grown up enough to understand the good, the bad and the ugly. So matters related to home are also quite settled...I only wish I had taken this step much earlier in life....but again I believe its never too late...Hope to hear from you...Do let me know if my approach to win him back is right or no...

Thanks and regards,
Gayatri


Answer
Dear Gayatri,

Ok, that's an insignificant age difference

I say this hoping and praying you are mature because there is a difference between being of a certain age, and being mature -- if you are too young to make your own choice about a husband, you are too young to have a husband.  YOU will be marrying this guy, not your mother.

This further contact?  Who is doing it?  If he wants the relationship over, why is he bothering you with contact???

I see you have reached the conclusion that you are able to work on your own behalf and make your own serious decisions.  That's good.

My advice would be to let him alone.  Then if he comes back, you will know what he's after, and it will end this confusion and not knowing what's going on.  It's not clear to me why he 'came back' those times ...If you love him, and see value in a relationship with him, I would give him some space.  Yes, be good to yourself in the meantime.  This is hard.  Wait a week and see what happens.  Don't contact him.  Let me know what happens.  

Susan