Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/5/2009

Question
Hello,
I am a university student from Egypt. I am writing to you because I really do need your advice. My question is about me and a new doctor in my university, he has just come this year to our university. He is a part -time doctor, he comes only two days a week. At the beginning, he caught my attention when he began to show a special interest to me and I noticed that from the beginning but I did not care or I did not pay much attention especially at the beginning. With time, I began to notice that he intends to show me his interest and attraction to me. When he sees me, he stares at me and looks directly at my eyes and smiles, but I did not think that this means that he likes me. For more than a month, I began to have deep feelings to him, also now I am very attracted to him. I know that he really wants to talk to me and so do me, but the problem is that I am too shy. I do not give him any chance. Also, this is may be because I am afraid of his real intentions, I am afraid if he just wants a physical relationship and to spend a nice time and that is it. I am afraid that he is used to do this with many other girls to make them love him and then, he leaves them after taking what he wants from them. I am afraid that he is a playboy.  I do not know but sometimes I fell that he is honest about his feelings, also I have to admit that I am very suspicious about men' intentions.  Sometimes, I remind myself that this guy had travelled to many countries all over the world; he teaches in more than one university within Egypt and outside, and he has met many different kinds of girls.  So, it is hard for me to believe that I am the only girl he likes and wants to have a decent relationship with.  I do not why exactly me that he is attracted to; what if he is used to do this with any nice girl he meets. Is it possible that an adult man likes a girl only for her looks and appearance and at the same time his intentions about her are good? How can I be certain of his real intentions?   I do not know what I have to do. I really really like him and his attraction to me is obvious. I do not know what should I do when he looks at me and smile to me. Should I smile too and say hi? Should I take the first step to know him more, with the fact that we did not talk with each other until now? but what kind of steps should I take and to be in a decent appropriate way. I am afraid if I did that he may think that I am not a good girl or an easy girl. I know that this can be considered a weird way of thinking to you, but this is the normal way of thinking of both men and women in a country like Egypt. So, because of this, when I see him, I try as possible to hide my real feelings to him and I intend to show him that I do not care about him. He will teach me in the second semester of the next year. Should I wait until the next year? But this will be a long time. I forgot to say that I am 20 years old and he is 38. I am really interested in him and I want to talk to him and know more about him, and I think that he wants this too.

I hope you understand me, and sorry for my bad English; it is not my first language.  

Answer
Hello Ghada!

Actually, your English is better than many native-speakers! It's sure better than my Egyptian!

First of all, put away your fears of him only using you physically. Trust me, if this is what he does to girls, he'd have already been all over you. It seems that he's holding back and that almost always comes from a lack knowledge of how to approach.

Second, you've GOT to give him a chance to talk to you! How is anything ever going to go anywhere if you keep hiding from him? (Answer: it's not.)

Third, since he doesn't really know you yet, how can he know what he wants with you? This is even further reason why you have to let him get to know you. You can't be certain of his intentions without getting at least a little closer to him, but far more important: why are you assuming the worst here?

You girls are so worried about looking desperate or easy that you totally ruin your chances with some really terrific men. I sincerely hope you don't do that here. Us guys simply don't think that way - it's only you girls that do.

Go say hello him already!!!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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