Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 7/16/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Susan...I am 25 and my Guy is 24....I had wriiten to you earlier as well...I just wanted to keep you updated about whats cooking between the two of us....well I had earlier written to you saying my Mother was against my guy and did not want me to get married to him...she abused him and cursed him...so he left me and broke the relationship saying my Mother's curse would harm him...Now its been almost a manth and a half..we have not been dating each other...he is now in his hometown with his parents and will be coming to my city in another 10 days...he gave me a call 15 days back and told me that he is missing me...he asked him if I too were missing him...I did not respond to his question and changed the topic...he again called me up this week on Monday..he spoke to me about his desires to get physically intimate with me when he returns...I denied his proposal of getting intimate because he said now though I will not want to commit to you...I would like to have physical relations with you...I declined his offer by telling him that I do not believe in getting intimate with anyone who is just a friend to me...and without commitment I would not let anybody touch me...I told him that I have changed a lot and I am no more the cry baby...Susan I don't know if I did right or wrong...But I do want him back in the heart of his hearts...I want him to realize that love is beyond physical relationships and that he shoudl love me and not my body...i was hurt when he was only emphasizing on the physical relationship part of our relationship...I was blunt enough to decline his offer and I put the phone down politely saying I will talk to you later...I have decided not to call him unless he himself calls me back...do let me know what I should be doing and how I  should tackle him...I need him back in my life for sure...

ANSWER: Dear Gayatri,

I think you are doing what is necessary.  Why let him just come around every now and then for "physical intimacy" when you want more.  Hold out for what you want, and I hope he will agree at some point.  

It seems at this point the two of you are after different things, and you might point that out and then leave it at that.  If all he wants is sex, why bother?

Susan Dunn, M.A.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Susan,

Hope you are doign great. Want to keep you updated. Well, as I had told you that I would not call him up unless he calls me I cut of all communications with him. He gave me a call a couple of days back and was talking sweetly. I could sense something was fishy. He then, once again spoke about his physical needs and how much he needs me. He made it very clear that he does need me because he still loves me but he is no longer committed to me. He no longer thinks of marriage to me. I did not wish to give him a piece of my mind over the phone so kept silent as he was talking about his whims and fantacies about getting physiacally inclined. He is returning from his hometown next week and wishes to spend time with me for hsi needs. I want to tell him very clearly that "I do not wish to dance to your tunes any longer and that I am ready to remain friends with you. But if you insist on getting physical with me without committing to me or marraige to me then I would cut off all communications with you for ever. Now you decide for yourself what you want- my presence in your life or non-presence". Susan as I had told you earlier as well I do need him and love him very much. I want to win him back. But I don't want to beg for my love. I want him to creave for me and come to me begging to me to get married to him. Please let me know how I should be handling such a commitmentphobic guy.

Answer
Dear Gayatri,

Tell him that you and he are after different things, and so you are departing.  There is no other way to do it.  If you would continue to be available for his physical gratification, that is not what you want, and won't get you what you want.  

If he returns, then, you will know that you can trust him and his intentions.  If he does not, then, in the long-run, you have dodged a bullet. Sad as it may be.  

All the best,
Susan Dunn, M.A.
http://datingcoachblog.blogspot.com
www.susandunn.cc

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