Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 7/9/2009

Question
I've had three relationships in my life, and so many dates that I can't even
count. The first relationship I was 18 and engaged, I broke it off because after
going to college I realized he wasn't the one. Next was 4 years in college.
Horrible relationship. I was physically abused, cheated on me more times
than I can count, caught an std, and ultimately he left me for someone else,
not because I had sense to leave.

Since then, I went and got professional help. Learnt how to forgive myself for
staying in the bad relationship, and have been without a boyfriend for 3
years. I have dated a ton of men. Some where good men, that wanted to
marry me and take care of me, some where players, but ultimately they all
have something in common. They are all unavailable. It might be there not
over an ex, they work to much, they are going to war, they live miles away,
not at a point in there life to commit....the list goes on.

No i've met a man. And was in a relationship. Great. Man of my dreams
except he has an ex that is a "freind" but my gut tells me it's off. So I asked
him and he told me why they broke up. Very similar to me and my ex.
Cheating, STDS, emotional abuse. The feelings he has are just like mine
before I got help, so knowing that he's not ready for anything, I stayed,
thinking we can work through it together. Become better because of each
other.

Since then, she found my email and wrote me to ask what the deal with me
and him are, because they are still talking and working on them. Long story
short, we broke up, he went to consoling because he is hasn't dealt with the
issues of there relationship, but still talks to her on a professional level (they
work together) and wont leave me alone.

He is still mr perfect, but I don't trust him anymore. I am turning into the
insecure paranoid annoying woman i was three years ago, that I have worked
so far to get away from. We are not back together but we are still spending
every day together, sleeping together, but I am not happy, and he refuses to
get back together because he is working on him so he can be better for us.

I have to break this cycle. Please help me. I don't want to live like this forever.

Answer
Dear Na,

I'm sorry to hear this.  Sounds like you need a fresh start.  Your past issues are one thing - but there are also rules for choosing appropriate men, and then rules for dating for marriage.  I am assuming that you want marriage and a lasting, committed, safe relationship.  Correct?

You are behaving like you don't care what goes on.  Spending all day with a man and sleeping with him is giving the cow away with the milk.  What impetus does he have to change the situation when he evidently has what he wants - female companionship.

I would suggest that you get dating coaching.  You can email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc about this.  It will help you see how your behaviors are bringing on these situations.  There isn't time or space here to go into much, but here are some suggestions.

Get your mind set on what you want.  If it is marriage, we proceed. If not, keep doing what you are doing, and add another string of men to your list.  Mind you, it takes time to find a suitable mate, and going through a lot of non-suitable mates, but you learn to reject them quicker, get out, and move on.

Sex is like the benefit plan at work.  90 days at the minimum.  It is not the focus of a relationship,  Put it off as long as you can.  Get to know the person, in all sorts of situations.  How he treats other people, what his life looks like, what his VALUES are.  

You don't say how old you are - sounds like mid-20s.  A man who cares about his life and the future should be working on his education and his career.  THEN, when he is able to provide for a woman and family, is the time to look for a wife.  I the meantime, they "date."  Avoid these men.  

When you date, it is up to the woman to control the pace of the relationship.  Make him DATE you.  No calling at the last minute.  No talk of "hanging out."  Nothing last minute.  He should be asking you out Weds. for a real date on Sat. night.  How do you make this happen?  By expecting it.  There's more to it.

You can also email to get my ebook on The Rules of Dating for Marriage.  

What you look for in that sort of man is someone who does what he says and is dependable and reliable.  If he is focusing on his career, well, that's really what you want.  Anyway, pay a lot more attention to a man's ACTIONS than to his WORDS.

For right now, tough love?  Tell this man you and he are not after the same thing, pack your bags (or his) and get out of there.  You are no longer available for hanging out in the daytime and sleeping with him at night with no goal, no purpose, no end in sight, NO FORWARD PROGRESSION IN THE RELATIONSHIP.  This is what I call "slopping in to a - well I can't even call it a 'relationship.'  Just aimlessly wandering.  

Let him go find himself, or whatever he's doing. And you get on with your life.  

Again, I recommend coaching, at least an ebook on the rules of dating, and sitting down and writing out your goals for a relationship.  If you don't know what you want, you aren't going to get it.

All the best,
Susan Dunn, M.A.