Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 7/2/2009

Question
Hey! I'm 14 and I'm a rising sophomore in high school. As long as I've been in school, I have never had a boyfriend. Most guys at school just think of me as a great friend at school, and I'm okay with that. But when it comes to guys that I don't know and guys outside of school, I am very shy and unconfident. I just get really nervous when I see an attractive guy because I really just don't know how to react, since I don't have any experience. Anyways, I would like to overcome my shyness and actually strike up a conversation with a cute guy. What can I do and how should I overcome my shyness? What should I say to start a conversation?



P.S: I am an African American female that sees a lot more attractive Caucasian males than African American ones. That also makes me unconfident because they may not approve liking someone of a different race. Is there really anything I can do for that? or should I just approach them a certain way?

Thanks,
Brittainy

Answer
Dear Brittainy,

Thank you for your thoughtful and well-written email. It is a treat to receive an email from a young person that is well-written, with appropriate grammar and vocabulary.  This speaks well of you.  It also encourages me to give you time and my best answer.  Keep up the good work!  When you write properly and respectfully, it makes me want to return the same, and to take you seriously.

And this is what we're talking about here!

Now,to get in to your questions.  First of all, you are about where a 14-year-old is supposed to be -- "shy" because this is all new.  How else could it be?  How can you not be "nervous" about something that is new to you and you don't know the ropes.

Not just related to dating, it is a good time in your life to be working on your social skills, or emotional intelligence.  Learning how to approach people, how to carry on a pleasant conversation, how to be friendly, how to deal with people who are boors and bores (LOL), how to get along, how to set aside your own nervousness and concentrate on making the other person feel comfortable -- these are all life skills that we must LEARN, and which stand you in good stead, be it personally or professionally, and they are really the same thing.  Social skills.  Emotional intelligence.

These are skills we can all work on throughout our life, but moving into young adulthood is one of the bigger leaps.  As you know!  If you would like some coaching on particulars, you can email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

You can also get plenty of free tips on the Internet.  But the best way is watching and then trying it.  You build your confidence by learning.  One super way to learn is to observe someone else who does well the thing that you are trying to learn.  I have written numerous articles on social skills, carrying on a good conversation, flirting, etc.  You can also google this on the Internet.  But putting on your thinking cap and watching others is a great way to learn.    

Here's an example.  When I wanted to learn to be a great public speaker (which -- talk about nerves -- is most people's #1 dread), first I read books, which is fine, but then I got a coach, and then I went and watched people giving speeches.  Whether they were good or bad at it, I learned.  It's better to do this in-person than TV or movies.  When I watched them in real life, I could pick up on what they were doing that worked, and what they were doing that didn't work.  

For instance, nearly everyone makes mistakes.  It's how you handle the 'mistake,' and how you recover, that makes the difference between a pro and an amateur.  And then, you practice.  You can't just read and watch, you have to start doing it.  Practice, practice.  I gave speeches every chance I could find.  This kind of learning is called "experiential" learning.  In other words, you can't learn it from a book, you have to go through the experience.

Each time you manage to manage your 'nerves' and have a conversation with a guy, you'll improve.  If you work with a coach, they can talk about particular things that happen and talk about how you might approach them as the unique individual that you are.

And improving on all of this will help you to success in your life.

I want to add here that no matter what age or gender, we all get a lot more nervous when it's someone we're really interested in, because then there is something to lose.  If it's just a guy friend, no sweat, right?  But someone you might want to date - well, then you get nervous.  So how do you handle being nervous? Here's a beginning step.  Focus on the other person, not yourself.  You might be nervous, but they might be too, and what you want to learn to do is to put the other person at ease, so you both can enjoy yourself.

How do you start a conversation?  With what is right in front of you:  the weather, the traffic, the homework assignment, something in the news, a movie that just came out, a book you've read, a book you see in their hand.  This translates to:  "I see you're reading "Over the Top."  What's it about?"  (To get a conversation going, avoid a question that can be answered with a "yes" or "no" or a one-word answer.  In other words, these are conversation stoppers:  "I see you're reading "Over the Top."  Do you like it/Where did you buy it/have you seen the movie.  See the difference. Practice thinking of questions (about obvious things) that require the person to answer with more than one word.

It's easier on your nerves to practice in situations where it doesn't matter. For instance, next time you check out at the grocery of Quik Stop, initiate a conversation -  How are you today?  You look busy.  Are there always more people here in the morning?  Any little thing.  You won't see this person again, so practice!

Since you say you don't have much confidence now, keep in mind that the person you may be talking to might (1) have a girl friend, (2) be thinking about a test they just flunked, (3) not have good social skills, (4) be going somewhere and late, (5) have a line of customers behind you that you can't see, but they can (in the Stop 'n' Go).  Even they might not like the color of the shirt you are wearing!  LOL.  In other words, nobody scores 100 each time and it can be something going on with the other person and there's nothing you can do about that.  Smile and go forward.  If they aren't nice to you, go and find someone who is!

Now you ask me about race.  I firmly believe that good people come in all colors, sizes and shapes.  Whereas there's some indication that you'll have an easier time if you stick to someone from your own culture (by that I mean that you avoid things like whether to have meat at dinner, what synagogue to go to, whether the kids should go to college or vocational school is fine ... value differences), what I would recommend that you look for in a husband are qualities that transcend any race or culture.  A good person, with values similar to yours, who likes and then loves you, who wants the same things out of life that you do, wants kids or doesn't (like you), wants the same things for the kids you do, has the same attitude toward money, that respects and treats people well, has good emotional intelligence, can provide for you (and children)... you get the idea.  

If YOU are worried about your race, then others pick up on this.  If you are self-assured, and looking at people not about the color of their skin, but about their inner qualities, the same will be extended to you - at least among nice people.  There's every type of "them" and "us" in the world - old and young, rich and poor, beautiful and homely, smart and average, educated and not educated, southerner or northerner ... but every person in any category you might set up has inner qualities that can matter more - how they treat you being at the top of the list!  Their values, manners, etc.    

You are a smart girl to be thinking about brushing up on your social skills, and I encourage you to get coaching and continue to do this.  

All the best,
Susan Dunn, M.A.