Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/10/2009

Question
QUESTION: In May, I was introduced to someone through a coworker. He's a firefighter, who wants to advance within the ranks, so he's studying for his lieutenant's exam and he is also a part owner of a restaurant. As soon as I met him, we clicked and I realized something was different about him in a very good yet odd way. Over the next month, we got to know each other, speaking daily and sooner than later, he asked me out on a date. On June 17th, we went out, had great dinner, wine and conversation.  We left the restaurant and went to a bar, had a few beers and then headed back to my place for more wine.  I told him to crash at my place since he lives 15 mi away and he did.  No, we didnt, all innocent in just kisses and cuddling, which he initiated.  Three hours after we went to bed, my alarm goes off.  Both of not morning people, we get up, head towards the door and see its pouring out.  I only have one umbrella and dart towards my car.  I felt so bad once I get in my car because we said bye in passing but I was so focused on getting to my car as dry as possible.  So, I sent him a text saying sorry, he responded its "ok, I'll survive. This rain sucks, please drive carefully."  I respond saying "you too.  Had a great time last night." No response.  Realizing that I felt something in those past 6-7 weeks and that date, and not hearing from him in the week that followed, I called him and left a voicemail which was short, concise and sweet.  I've still yet to hear from him.  

Did I do something wrong? Did he get scared of how his life would change with me in it? How can two people so into each other and open with their emotions and ideas and being inquisitive about each other, just dissipate?  Everyone usually has an idea about how a date is going, this one went perfectly...which has me so rattled and shaken.  I'm not someone who usually says this but I really thought by the way he would ask me questions and wanted to get to know me, that he was the one.  Any advice here is appreciated.

ANSWER: Hello Angela!

This sounds like a case where you did almost everything right and for some reason it just didn't seem to click for him.

It's impossible to know what's going on in his mind since I never learned how to read them in anyone else buy myself. Suffice it to say that if after all this time he hasn't contacted you, it's not likely that he will.

Let me give you a little trick that will help make sure this doesn't happen again: the ending of a date is far more important than the beginning - or any other part. Yes, I understand that you were in a hurry to not get wet and to get to work, but that little issue may have been enough to cause his flame to flicker out.

Obviously, I can't say specifically but it seems that this was the only place where things didn't go very well (or was it?) In fact, that little social faux pas was a huge one and sent a very specific message: I'm sorry for last night and can't wait to get away from you. That's exactly what I'd be thinking and I'd have forgotten you and the date within 15 minutes of leaving you. Regardless of the circumstances and even having a "good reason"; it was still very rude.

Next time use this little trick that I tell my guys to use: never leave a great date without having another one planned. Think of this as crossing a stream by jumping rock-to-rock. You already know where you're going before you leave the last one, so why should dating be any different?

As part of your discovery during a date, you should know what he likes to do. You didn't mention your own interview here however. Did you really learn about him too; did you delve into him and his background, wants, needs, dreams, psyche, or was it all about you answering his questions and him getting to know only you? I'm sure you're going to just react and say it was both, but really think about this. Frankly, it's very rare these days for women to even bother getting to know the guy they're on a date with! Try to come up with a percentage figure - what percentage was it about him and what percentage was it about you? Then, subtract about 20% to adjust and it if wasn't 50/50 then you'll know where at least another problem was.

So, let's say you did (at least for argument's sake) draw him out as he did with you. Then you should also know what he likes to do for fun that you also enjoy. This is the reason for the second date! You could have agreed to get together the next weekend and do that thing together. Then, when you left the date, you'd have already known where things were going.

It looks like this one is a bust, but you now have some new tools for the next one.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your response.  It was very thought provoking.  I did get to know him but you're right, it wasn't 50/50, more like 65/35.
I take it there is nothing I can do to change this or make this up to him? Any way I can act to do to change things?
So, now, let's say I run into him since he is part owner of restaurant around where I live. What should I say or do?  I was thinking "Hey stranger, long time."  

I appreciate all your help and assistance with this.

Answer
Hello again Angela!

Of course there's something could have done to make this up to him. The problem is that you've waited all this time. The timing on dates is pretty important and by going to him now and inviting him out (or better, over for dinner at your place) it's going to seem a little strange after 6-7 weeks, don't you think?

Based on that point alone, whatever you say to him now will not have much meaning. "Long time" means just as much (or little) as anything else. What would have been much better would be "sorry" and "let's try again", but 2 months hence, it's not going to hold much weight.

Angela, I constantly stress how important even little things are to women on dates and how guys have to pay attention to them. They are just as important to guys and women have to pay attention to them as well.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"