Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/9/2009

Question
QUESTION: I have conflicting thoughts about whether or not it is okay for a female to initiate the conversation with the male.  Many people that I know and even those on this board swear by the fact that it is the wrong thing to do.  They say it will scare the man off or make him less interested or he'll think I'm easy or desperate.  I have read your responses on this topic and I know you support the woman approaching the man.  But are most men going to be okay with this or is it just a personal preference of yours?

Also, if I decide to approach someone and I give them my number, it then becomes the mans responsibility to call me, right?  Or should I be asking for their number?  I'm so confused as to how far the boundary goes after you approach the man because I've simply never done it before and so many say not to.

Also, when do I know it is okay to approach a man?  Can I do it at a store?  In the park?  On the street?  At an amusement park?  Waiting in line at the movies?  Just in general when is it okay and when is it not?  Is it never okay?  Is it always okay?  The bar type is totally not what I'm looking for and that is generally where men will try to approach me.

ANSWER: Hello Kelly!

Yes, I understand that you're confused. You have your sisters to thank for that. Men have never been confusing about this at all. We are very clear and specific about it. It's you girls (and many of the so-called "experts" on this board) that keep the waters mirky for you.

Let's start with the approach. Yes, it's ok for you to approach and initiate a conversation with a man. Not only is it a new millennium and women have all sorts of new rules and options, you also have all sorts of additional tricks to approach men that even us guys don't have! Further, they are easy, fun and highly effective!

Next, the only people that think a woman approaching a man is "desperate" or "easy" is other women. It's a battle you have within yourselves - men simply don't think that way - trust me, I've interviewed over 10,000 of them. Men's brains are wired differently than yours. We don't respond to the games you throw and we don't think you're easy or desperate for approaching us. In fact, most of us think you're strategic and even clever if you approach!

I was in a bar just a few nights ago when a woman approached me right out of the blue. Even now; days later, I don't believe she was desperate OR easy! She wasn't my type, but we had a nice conversation and I got to know her much better. In fact, I think very highly of her! She's a very nice girl and will be terrific for some other guy - which she's going to get because she's willing to walk up and say hello to someone. Maybe the guy she gets next will be the one you are interested in because you're too scared to go say hello to him yourself?

Yes, if you approach a guy and give him your number, it's going to be his decision to call you back - just as if he had asked you for it in the first place. Keep in mind that initiating an approach (saying "hello") doesn't mean you have to finish it either. Likewise, if a guy approaches you first, it doesn't mean that you can't finish it for him by suggesting he take your number! There are no hard-and-fast rules about any of this. I've had many women say, "You know, you need to have my number!" Then, they proceed to write it down and put it in my hands. To this very day, I don't think any of them were desperate!

You can certainly ask for his number too, but I always suggest you give him yours in exchange. It doesn't mean he'll call, but at least he has it. Likewise, you can call him too, and you have the same expectations as a guy would have. For instance, you want to have some context and have built some rapport and connection in order to have a reason to call him later on. For instance, if you and he are having a great conversation, you can end it just a little too soon by saying, "Well, it was really nice talking to you. We need to do this again sometime. Here's my number - give me yours and let's get together some time next week."

Then, when you call, it's natural. You can say, "Hey - are you available on Friday to continue our conversation from last week?" You see, you've built rapport and connection with him already and this is perfectly natural. It gives direction without looking desperate or easy - you're not promising or demanding or expecting anything!

As to when you can approach a man, the answer is anywhere and everywhere! There are some obvious times to not approach someone. For instance, if he's there with his wife or girlfriend, or seems in a huge rush and you won't have time to connect with him, but frankly, this is pretty rare. It's the same problem that men face too. They see a girl they'd like to get to know, but she's in curlers, torn sweats and rushing through the isles at the store looking for baby formula. That's probably not a good time to approach her.

On the flip side, most men would really appreciate meeting a nice girl like you. They'd walk away from wherever you met thinking, "Wow, what a great girl!" and then would probably blame themselves for being such a catch or something. The point is, they're not really thinking about you as being desperate or easy at all - they're thinking about themselves - just like you do when a guy approaches you!

If you want to learn more about how to approach men, there's an e-book on my website (http://BeingAMan.com) that talks specifically about this. It goes into the reasoning behind it, how men think and react, how to find and approach guys, all your special "tricks" (the ones we guys don't have) and much more. It's called "How Women Can Approach Men", and I highly encourage you to read it for the complete answer here.

Honey, you've got to get your head out of all this ridiculous dogma and into the game. Stop listening to these crazy, lonely idiots that think the rules from 50 years ago work today. They don't. You're a new girl in a new world at a new time.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Dennis!  I really appreciate the time you took in answering my questions.  When you suggested that e-book, I went to your website and looked at a few other things as well.  I ended up watching all of the videos and read some of the articles.  Your videos are amazing by the way, and they definitely kept me interested.  You have a personality that is just captivating and makes people want to hear more.

Anyway, upon listening and reading all of that information some other questions came to mind.  I hope you don't mind me asking them here.

First of all, since I will be approaching men I know it is bound to happen that one of them will have a girlfriend.  Is it game over when they do?  If so, how do I exit without feeling totally embarrassed about trying to hit on a guy who already has a girlfriend?  If not, what are some ways I can respond?

Then, on the show you stated that men are physical creatures and I totally agree.  You mentioned that if a woman holds off on sex the man's emotional window will close.  I know there can't be a specific time that covers all men because you're all different.  But, is there a general time frame so that we know the man is looking to pursue something after sex or is it just a feeling we have to go with?

Also, do you think it would be beneficial for a woman to buy "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"?  Or is the information specifically male based with nothing for the female audience to gain?  Is "How Women Can Approach Men" ever going to be more than an e-book?  And do you plan on writing any other books specifically focused on the female audience?

Again, thank you so much for your time and I hope you have a wonderful day!

Answer
Hello again Kelly!

First off, I'm very proud of you for making the decision that you're not simply going to wait by the sidelines hoping that some great guy finds and approaches you. You've decided you're going to go "shopping" and make your own destiny. Do you have any idea how rare that is in "womandom"?

Be aware that you're going to get a wide range of experiences in doing this by the way - just as men do. Some good and some bad. It's all part of the game.

When I have guys ask me about boyfriends, here's what I tell them: so what? It's not your job to decide some guy's future with anyone but you. What if you're a far better choice for him? What if you're the girl of his dreams? Would you honestly deny someone that chance simply because they hadn't found you as yet?

If a guy is committed to his girl and his relationship, you're not going to have any chance with him. On the other hand, if there's a question then he'll just have to find out. Don't make that decision for him - make your own decisions for yourself. On the flip side if he doesn't have that option, you're also making the choice for him too, right?

If some guy decides that his current relationship is what he needs, you don't have to feel embarrassed at all. Just tell him that it was nice meeting him and compliment his girlfriend on what a great choice she made. Then, in your own mind, think, "NEXT!!!"

Regarding sex with men, here's the best rule I can give you: build your own sexuality and self-security up to a point where you feel comfortable getting the physical aspect of a relationship out of the way early. Of course, you should never jump in bed with anyone until you feel comfortable doing this, but the stronger your own sense of security and the stronger your own sexuality the earlier this is. Girls that what to try to hold off sex for months are both very sexually insecure and frankly, ignorant about how guys work.

Unfortunately, there's no specific rules about how long this window is open. It has a lot to do with a guy's options too. For instance, mine happens to be very short whereas many guys might last a month or two or three. I've even seen some guys that will last 3-6 months or longer, but frankly, that's pretty damn rare and I wouldn't personally rely on it. Besides, if after 3-4 dates with some guy you're still not sure if you want to sleep with him, he's not likely the guy for you anyway!

In knowing whether the guy wants more after sex, much of that is determined by how you approach - and then handle - sex in the first place. Your skills in the bedroom will keep him coming back there, but your skills in discovering who he is and what he wants - and then being that girl - will keep him around after the sex. That seems to make perfect sense, doesn't it? Once the physical needs are taken care of, a guy is looking for an emotional connection - and a partner. If you learn what he needs in a partner and become that women, there aren't many men that can resist going back for of that!

Regarding "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" being for women or not, it's actually very interesting. About 1/3 of the readers of those books ARE women! They are written for men (although they both have information specifically for women too) but actually give women a real insight into the male mind - how we think, what we mean when we say things, etc. More important, they give you the exact same tools that I give men! Things like how to set relationship goals, how communication systems work and how to use them to your advantage, how to "convert", how to handle your success, etc., are all topics that women benefit from knowing.

"How Women Can Approach Men" is our only female-specific book at this time and there is no plan to print it in hard-copy. However, I AM working some some other books exclusively for women but haven't decided if they would be hard-copy, e-books or both yet. They are a ways off however as much of my time right now is going toward the TV show.

Equally interesting, I do many topics for women on the show! We will often take a topic oriented to men and give women the inside scoop on it too. We've done entire segments on "Dumb Girl Games", "Accepting and Rejecting Approaches", "Male Sexuality for Women" and much more.

Perhaps with a little prodding and continued interest, I'll just have to get those other books finished and out so that you have these tools too!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"