Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 8/25/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello
A few months ago ((3/30/2009, under the title "Is he interested? What should I do?")) I wrote you about this guy I had dated last January in a very good date, 4 hour interesting talk with no physical contact at all. We kept in touch by email and chat during 8 months, and for several reasons (I was abroad for 2 months/ he´s kind of shy/ he´s really busy doing an MBA and working full time) we are going to meet again.. next week.
After talking on msn several times, I invited him to a party (yes, I was the one with the iniciative) but he preferred me to invite him for dinner at home.
What advice would you give me for this 2nd date? I´ll see him for the 2nd time.
I am really interested in the guy.
I wonder why didnt he invite me to dinner..or to drink coffee... Why did he choose to come to my house for dinner, for this 2nd date? And how should I act.  
The only thing I know from him is that he likes to chat with me, I am not connected most of the time (just once or twice a week) but we always talk when it happens. He´s not very communicative, he´s an engineer, I am a lawyer.

thank you very much Susan!
Dolores



ANSWER: How did you end up having him to your house for dinner for the 2nd date???

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: The point is: he´s busy. He´s shy. He has showed interest in talking to me. I have a higher social status, but see potential in him. We had a very good 1st date ( the best for me in years, and I´ve been meeting guys.. and very hardly fall in love).
After talking on the chat for weeks, I asked him to see each other, inviting him to a friends of mine party. Which is a social, not too personal invitation. But I thought we could talk a little in person, and (maybe) dance. He replied: "but I would be at a disadvantage, since you would be with all your girl friends around, and I would be alone". So that he asked me: when are you inviting me to dinner at your house?
That´s it.

I still can move back and cancel this. But he mentioned this dinner several times while talking on the chat last week.

Thank you Susan..
Dolores

ANSWER: No man should be allowed into your home until way into the relationship and you know his intentions.  Ditto sex.  

Rewind and redo and let HIM do the pursuing.  If he is interested, he will pursue.  I mean if he is interested in a relationship.  To allow him to "get" you to invite him into your home is even worse than "delivering the pizza."  Don't do any of the marital things until you are married - and cooking, actually, is even more intimate than sex to many men.

Saying things like "shy" and "busy" is a dodge.  A man who is interested will pursue.  You have given him every indication you are interested.  The only way you will know that HE is interested in YOU (attracted to you) is to get behavioral evidence, i.e., he asks you out for a real date.  

All the best,
Susan Dunn

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Susan,
thank you very much for your reply.
I didnt know cooking was that intimate for men. I mean, a simple meal.

I´ll rewind and redo and let HIM pursue. Just tell me one last thing: Am I supposed to appear available in the chat, or do I just disappear? I ask you because I usually get in the chat only to talk to him, once or twice a week. And he suspects that (that I only get in to talk to him).
He has my email address.

--one more comment (you dont have to answer, just let me tell you this: You dont believe that there are shy guys..? Do you really think all of men have to be treated the exact same way? I´ll tell you that I was never an easy girl, and I know how to identify a "player". This guy´s a rare case I hope to figure out meeting him at least one more time.

Thank you very much for your reply.
Best,
Dolores

Answer
Dear Dolores,

Letting him in your house (NOT!) is the first thing.  But, yes, to many men eating a meal cooked by a woman is even more intimate than sex.  That having been said, this guy knows how to get hold of you.  He has your email.  I would backoff and see if he has the initiative to ask you out.  the basic rules are that it be for a real date.  Not something last minute.  Not "hanging out."  

The premise (since you're a lawyer ;-) ) is that the courtship behavior is hard-wired.  But I'll tell you, from my experience over many years, there is no guy too "SHY" to not pursue if he is really interested.  They can even use it as a ploy.  IF the woman is going to roll it all right into his lap, he will take it (men don't have a "conscience" about that sort of thing) but won't value it.  You want to make him have to work for you ... for what he wants.  Another thing "shy" can indicate is that he is too immature, or too emotionally unavailable to sustain a mature relationship.  I don't think you are looking at a "player" here, you are looking at something even more disappointing, or disappointing in another way.  To be a man ... is to know what you want and to know how to get it.  In other words to stand and deliver.  Yes, he has succeeded here in getting himself into your home for a "dinner" - now what do you think that will lead too???  It is waaaay to early for that.  You don't even have a "relationship" yet.

IF you want a relationship with this man, back off, and see if he contacts you in a mature and respectable way.  Demand the best for yourself.  I hear it from men over and over again ... "I fell in love with her because she demanded the best of me."

All the best,
Susan