Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 8/6/2009

Question
Hi,

People keep asking me for relationship advice. I don't know why.

Anyway, so now one of my friends is dating this guy. He is short, skinny, muscular, and a perfectionist. Everything to him is clock work. He gets up early in the morning, 6 am starts cooking and cleaning, works out, showers, and every single day he wears professional designer clothes, whether he is going to work or not. I have NEVER seen him wear jeans, even on days off. I don't even think he owns a pair of jeans. He always wears designer khakhis, chinos, polo shirts, ralph lauren sweaters, etc. with an expensive rolex watch. His sock drawer is color coordinated. His room is always tidy, immaculate, and furniture is dusted. He always has his hair cut, spiked, and gelled, expensive cologne sprayed on him, etc. He has all his songs and radio stations organized and preset in his car stereo. His behavior is always professional and serious. He goes to only expensive restaurants and orders the finest foods and wine, and only eats very small portions, as he is conscious of keeping his weight in check. After work, he comes home and organizes everything for the next day. On the weekends, he spends his time cooking and cleaning the house, and hanging out with his friends.

However my friend is tall, very obese, has zits all over face and body acne, is disorganized, eats junk food all times of the day, stays up all night eating chips, sleeps until 1 pm every day, doesn't have a job. She's in school part time but she never studies, she's always at the mall goofing around.

She is also really needy, whiny, and clingy. He is an intense, high strung individual. She keeps asking him "do you love me? do you care for me? do you miss me?" and he doesn't answer her, there's just silence.

They've had a lot of screaming fights and he's called her a bitch quite a few times.

The first day they met, they had sex. He only meets her when he wants to and she rushes over to see him. I believe he only uses her for sex.

When they get into fights he tells her he can't wait to get away from her, he can't wait to get another job and move away from her. He is actually interviewing jobs in other states.

So she calls me every single day asking me how to fix this situation.

What can I tell her now?

Should I just say, I'm sorry, I can't help you anymore with that?

then she'll start going hysterical on me saying im a bad friend.

what to do?

Answer
Dear Ali,

Oh goodness.  This is a sad situation all the way around. You ask me

What can I tell her now?  Should I just say, I'm sorry, I can't help you anymore with that?  
then she'll start going hysterical on me saying im a bad friend.  what to do?

It is a lifelong lesson for most of us who care about other people, about how to help, and how to set limits, and how to have boundaries.  From what you write, this is not even a relationship - not by any definition of the term.  It is not smart for a woman to have sex with a man on the first "date" (encounter?) and this is often what results.  Whatever ... what are we going to do about you... hmmm.  Well I don't know what you have told your friend.  One thing you can do is refer her to a coach.  That's what coaches do (and we get paid for it).  The other thing you can do it set limits.  I assume you've told her it doesn't sound like a good deal ... ?  Then she calls and tells you more bad stuff.  Well, I'm sure you've given her sympathy,you've probably told her to get out of the relationship.  It's time to cut down on the time you spend (are willing to spend) in discussing this.  If she starts in again, here's an example.  Say you're sorry she's having such a hard time.  If she keeps on, say, "Like I said before ..." If she continues, well, this is your chance to be caring but to acknowledge the truth of the matter:  It sounds like a bad deal, sounds like she's being used, you two have talked about it numerous times, she hasn't taken your advice, and now it's going to have to be time to talk about something else.  If she says you're a bad friend, you can say in all honesty that no, you are a GOOD friend, because friends don't enable their friends, and encourage them to keep doing something that's a mess!!  You may have to repeat this cycle a couple of times -- that you're sorry she's in it, that you've told her she should get out, that she can't change him and neither can you, that she hasn't taken your advice, and that you don't know what to say beyond that, so (1) let's go to a movie, or (2) sorry I've got to go study for the bio exam ... or whatever.  

This is, in the long run, being a good friend and being kind.  If you listen any more, you're encouraging her to do something dumb and then complain about it to someone else instead of doing things that are smart and just enjoying them.

You've already listened more than I would.

Susan Dunn, M.A.
sdunn@susandunn.cc