Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 1/13/2010

Question
Dear Susan,

I'm 38 years old, mother of a 7 yr old daughter. Whilst married and very unhappy, I met and fell madly in love with a 33 yr old man, (I will call him George) that had just ended his 3 yr old relationship with a great woman on the grounds that the spark was gone and that he didn't want to commit to marriage.
We started a passionate relationship for 3 months, but then he withdrew his interest, when he saw that I was all over him, that I intended to divorce my husband  and that I spoke to him about all of my problems with my exhusband etc (too much burden on his shoulders, he said). At the time, I sought counsel and figured out that irrespectively of this man, I wanted to end my marriage which I finally did (it was all over before G showed up). At that time, I spoke to G and had sex with him on and off. We were very compatible. Great communication, great sex. Still, he didn't want to commit. Gradually, he begun calling me everyday, but refused to make plans for weekends unless it was his idea. Would call me and seem all over me, but would be cold if I initiated things. He was playing that push and pull game. He would go crazy if I was distant and illusive, but not when I was loving and caring. This was going on  for about 1 year during which I found out he was talking to other girls including his ex romantically (he even went to Paris to a girlfriends house!). Obviously, he had sex with all of them too. I confronted him and told him not to BOTHER  me again. Within a month of NC he asked me to go steady and have a proper relationship.
He introduced me to his friends but did not tell his parents (they are very conservative) that he is dating me. We had four terrific months together, went on vacation, spent time together several days a week etc. He was caring, loving, affectionate and he promised not to hurt me again or cheat on me. Unfortunately, I didn't trust him anymore. I became jealous, terribly so, I gained a few pounds and when he started becoming somehow distant or seeing me once a week, I made terrible scenes. He broke up with me on the grounds that the spark was gone, that he needed some space and some peace of mind and last but not least that there is NO future for us because I have a child. He added that he loved me.
It's been 3 months of No Contact now. So hard for me. He tried to contact me via email when I erased him as a friend from Facebook. I replied that it was part of my healing process, he repeated that he loved me but did not say anything about seeing me etc. No contact during Christmas.Just a phone call from him, that rang twice and I left it unaswered. I am first on his phonebook and he would say that he called me accidentally but 'hey let's catch up'..

I am in terrible pain and it doesn't seem to pass. I loved him so much. Probably, he is the only man I have ever loved (my  ex husband used to call me coldhearted). Do you think there is a chance of getting back together or should I make my heart a stone and forget him? I know that he wants to be friends at least. He does that with his exes but frankly I don't want to be just'another ex' or a 'friend with benefits'. Should I avoid meeting him (we share friends) and for how long? I know that this spark won't be gone. I know next time we see each other, it will light up again.

What should I do? I feel addicted and overwhelmed.
Thank you so much for your advice.  

Answer
Dear Ellie,

It is painful just to read about this roller coaster ride.  It isn't anything you're doing or not doing -- this guy just isn't fit for a relationship. And I know in your Inner Self you know this, because you say it.  He likes the push-pull dynamic, and that is lethal for a woman who loves a man like this.

Yes, you have to get over it, and I don't know how to tell you to do that - I mean that you haven't heard before -- eat chocolate, listen to soothing music, date other guys when you're heart isn't in it, distract yourself.  It's hard, that's all there is to it.  Let it go completely.  I call it "Give up the struggle, not the fight."  IF he should come back, be ABSOLUTELY certain what you will and WILL NOT stand for.  And I mean you must be CERTAIN about this.  Then make the demand and be ready to leave - and I mean leave PERMANENTLY if he fudges ever one.  It is a man's actions that count not his words.  I'm a dating coach and I've heard it all.  The promises men make just to get in a woman's pants are, well, shameful.  Trust me, I have heard it all.  So this is a matter of his behavior, the things that are NON-NEGOTIABLE, and you're taking a stand for yourself.

You WILL love again.  If this doesn't work out, there will come a day where you wonder why you were so invested in him.  In the meantime, it's like any addiction.  Day-by-day ...

My heart goes out to you.  I think that is shameful behavior on his part.  If he doesn't change, I hope you can come to see that he had absolutely no right to treat you that way.

P.S.  If a man doesn't know what he wants, then you aren't what he wants either.

Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
sdunn@susandunn.cc

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