Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 1/3/2010

Question
Hello,

I am not really sure how to start but here goes.

I am a woman who is nearly 30 and I've never had a boyfriend. In fact I've never been on a date, nor has any man ever shown any attraction to me (to my knowledge).

People don't believe this, but it's true!

I would like to have a boyfriend, but I have no idea where to start and never have. I was brought up a Christian and always taught that it's what's inside that counts. So I try to be kind, generous, loving etc. But now I realise that i was sold a lie. I believe I am a good person and try my best to be so. However, as far as I can tell, all that matters is looks, and no-matter what I do I will always be ignored because I'm not pretty, or even passable. Just forgettable.

I am not physically deformed but I have no good physical features. I am round and plain as the back of a bus (as my dad would say). I have watched a thousand make over shows and read every dating book known to man, But these ALWAYS come down to appearance and physical attractiveness. Such books/shows have titles like "make the most of your beautiful eyes/long legs/slim waist" etc etc. But I don't have any special features. I am instantly anonymous.

I'm not really anti-social. I have a wide circle of male and female friends. I actually have a very high powered job (lawyer) and I know men don't like clever women, but I can't pretend I am stupid indefinitely (I also have a PhD. Being a nerd is what I'm good at) just to get a boyfriend. I know lots of smart men. They want an anorexic blonde to hand off their arm, the stupider the better. I know. I work with them every day.

I am also a musician and play with several bands and orchestras, through which I have lots of friends and social engagements. Plus I am a leader at Brownies (like Girl scouts in the US. I am from England).

I am pretty sure I don't have any personal hygiene problems (I am sure someone at work would have mentioned it!). I'm not particularly shy.

All I can think of is extreme cosmetic surgery. But to be honest that seems a bit pathetic to me. I'm not that desperate and would rather be alone than endure terrible pain to try and make myself attractive to someone who may not even exist. I'm not that insecure. I can cope alone, it's just that I'd rather not.

I have mentioned this problems to friends occasionally, and they often suggest things like visiting a home for blind men or writing to death row prisoners! In other words, they know I'm ugly, but it doesn't bother them. However, they don't know it bothers me. Then they laugh, and it really hurts :(

I once posted a profile on Match.com and got no replies. I am not sure whether this was because I posted a photo of myself or because I told the truth about my education/career background (a seemingly supercompetitive life - but that's what I'm good at).

I am also afraid. I would have to tell any new man all of the above, and they would think I was pathetic. I am not sure I would even know if a guy was flirting with me or interested in me. I have to say that most of the time I never even consider the possibility, so I might be oblivious.

Thanks for reading

Answer
Dear Zoe,

I'll be frank with you, as you have been with me.  You need dating coaching and you can afford it, so why not put your money where your mouth is.  Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and lets get started.  

The only reason it hasn't happened is that you don't know how to do it -- and that can be fixed.

All the best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc