Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/6/2010

Question
Hola Dr Dennis: Im chilean and my english is not very good so please be patient. I found this page accidentally and need you to help me. I am 44 and never been married and no children because I never been lucky or my attitude to men is wrong. I also dont think that life and current time is so great to have children. I have had some relastionships in my life but I have never been in love. About 10 years ago I have dating some men but they dont love me or show interest in me. My last dates have been one night stand and after that I never hear from them nomore. I am very pretty but something happen maybe they notice that I am insecure or defensive. Whats the attitude that men like? more cold and distant? Gracias por su respuesta y ayuda.

Answer
Hola Maritza!

It's impossible to say that there is one attitude that all men like. Each person is an individual and you need to approach dating that way.

Consider this: everyone has "basic needs" just like we have basic needs in life. We want to survive, we want to be respected, we want to be loved and to love others. These are pretty simple, right?

When it comes to individuals however, each person has their own prescription for what they want and need. Dating is about finding this out!

Think of your first dates more like an job interview. First, you have to know what you job you want to fill. You need to know what qualifications and skills the applicants need to have, etc. You need to then go about exploring the applicants to see who can best fill the needs of that job.

Likewise, the applicants will want to know how they benefit. They obviously want a job (to be in a relationship in this case) but they want to know other things like pay, hours and benefits. They also want to know how they will contribute to the company's goals and many other things.

When you approach dating this way, it puts the responsibility on you to first know what you want. What are you really looking for? You're not simply looking for a guy to hang out with, you want someone that supports you and your beliefs. You want someone that will be there for you and that makes you more of the good things you already are.

At the same time these guys what you know what you bring to the table. They want to know how you will enhance their lifestyles as well. Who are you, what do you stand for and what do you bring to the table? These are all reasonable questions any guy will want to find out during the first few dates. They may not discover every answer to ever question, but they should at least start forming a picture.

In order to get started on this, you need to sit down and work out your goals. What do you want from your relationship? Not generally like "I want to be with a man that loves me", but very, very specifically. Who is this man? What does he believe and stand for? What does he do and who are his friends? Where is he from, etc., etc., etc. There are at least 100 of these questions you need to answer for yourself first.

Then, you need to do the exact same thing for the relationship. You want to sit down and craft the perfect relationship for you. What does it look and feel like? How often will you see each other? What do you do for fun? Who are your friends? Where will this lead and more important, why? Again, there are 100 more questions you need to ask and answer for yourself.

When you're done with this, go back to both lists and look at every answer. Mark it as "1 - must have", "2 - nice to have, but not critical" and "3 - not important at all". When you're finally done with this process, you take all the items marked "1" and that is your "must have" list with those marked as "2" being the icing on the cake.

The final step in the process is to define what YOU bring to the table. List every attribute you have that you want to give to your perfect guy. You're pretty, you're smart, you're happy and up-beat, etc. Define every one of these that you can think of. If this is tough for you to do (which it is for many people) get the help of a trusted friend. Sit down with her and have her help you do this. You should help her with her list as well.

Then, when you meet new guys, you'll not only know what you're looking for and can find out how well they match, but you'll also know what you bring to the table and will be better able to express those benefits to him. You will definitely find someone that matches your needs and for whom you match, but the first step is to know what it is you want and what you bring to the table.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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