Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/1/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi there..

Was really glad to have chance upon your website on women in relationship
stuff..yea i needed help and believe you can offer me advice.

Eversince i met this doctor who operated on my mum, i couldn't stop thinking
about him.   We 1st met in the ward when he broke the news abt my mum's
condition. Im not sure if its love at 1st sight but during the conversation i found
myself rather shy in looking at him but i tried to pretend otherwise and i found
myself drawn to him. He's not good looking but somehow talking to him for the
first time i realised i think of him every minute after that. its been about 5
months now.

I do not know why is this so. is this love at 1st sight. im also quite drawn to
someone who's intellectually brilliant. he handed me his namecard which i
realise later that usually doctors do not hand out namecards to their patient or
patient's family. so far i've only called his office a few times to enquire about
my mum's condition as i do not want to call him unnecessarily. he sounded
pretty normal but busy at 1 time, not so friendly on another occasion and the
last time we spoke he was friendly and we spoke the longest time. during the
2nd time i suggested emailing him my questions as he's got a busy schedule
and i just wan him to reply my emails at his convenience but he replied quite
rudely that don't expect him to reply my emails fast. (sounds like he doesn't
like emails).. only the last time we spoke was he more friendly than usual and
that puts me at ease and we spoke longer than usual even though i know he's
busy and i did not expect him to return my call that day as he's going on a
business trip the next day. i thank him for returning my call and he said no
problem ..anytime! =)  but he said he cant remember how my mum looks so i
was so tempted to tell him that in that case he dun remember me as well but i
din hv the guts and i wasn't prepared to say anything daring..  

im not sure if he really know who i am though i need to identify my mum's
particulars each time we speak. im understand he's got lots of patient under his
care and he sounded like he doesn't know me. during the 1st followup sessions
we had with him, he did not really attend to us (he's got a medical officer to
attend to us) as he's got to attend to another patient in the next room and he's
like running between 2 rooms. but the 2nd followup session he had his full
attention on us and i kinda caught him giving a secret smile when i answer his
question. my mum needed to wear this cervical support thingy from her neck
down to her waist and he told me my mum can stop wearing it on this certain
date ..but guess he forgotten about it so he ask why was my mum not wearing
the support so i answered him, " you said to remove by this date rite?" and he
answered ok and thats when i caught him giving the secret smile. thats the 1st
time i actually saw him smile! =) and he sure sounded better ..more friendly
and he even told us to go to him if there's any problem in between the next
followup session.

how should i approach this matter? is this infatuation or crush as im already
38? i really liked him and looking forward to see him when there's a chance. i
like the way he speaks, his voice, the seriousness he portray in his profession. i
wanted to tell him he sure sound better/much friendlier this last time than the
1st few times we spoke as but is it ok to email him. how can i have more
chance of talking to him other than waiting for the next followup session which
is like next year? i do hear that doctors and patient are not suppose to fall in
love but how about patient's family member? im not one who would make the
1st move but if i miss this chance will i ever again meet someone who can
make me skip a heartbeat or swept me off my feet? Its been a long time since i
have this kind of feelings. my last relationship was 10 years ago and even then
it was a brief one. i've never had a long relationship as i believe if i fall in love i
want it to lead to marriage. i've never make the 1st move on anyone at all. i can
say no man i met in my 38 years have ever made me felt this way as i felt for
him. juz felt he is the ONE ....Please H_E_L_P_!    i was almost close to writing
an email to him this few days but kept thinking how should i even write other
than my mum's condition...

thanks for reading this lengthy email as i really want to give you as much
details as possible  ..but i may have miss out certain points =)

many many thanz!
jac


ANSWER: Hello Jac!

Let's be clear here, this isn't love - you don't even really know this guy. He just made an impression on you and you've spent the last 5 months building him up in your own mind. That's a very different thing than being in love.

No, don't write him an email. Instead, what I suggest you do is this: bake him something tasty and deliver it to him as a thank you for taking such good care of your mother. This is especially effective if your mother has a follow-up appointment as you can do it then. If not, just plan it ahead of time and know when he's available.

When you deliver it, remind him about your mother and see how he responds. You can then say, "You know, I'd enjoy getting to know you better outside of the hospital. Do they ever let you out of this place? Well, here's my number if you can steal some time away over the next week or two".

Then, see if he calls you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hey there..
din expect such a prompt reply..gee thanz! =)
i've enjoyed what you wrote =) but well baking him something is really a bold
daring step for me..btw forgot to add that im not living in US...but in asia (nt
sure if its ok to reveal my exact location) ...so im not sure how will he take this
thing from me..(since i believe asian guys as not as "open minded") and im not
sure too if he's taken or even married..tho i dun see any ring on his finger. well
lets juz say i wanna play safe coz i'll be bringing my mum for future follow ups
though its about once every 5-6months. u mean to
im surprise not to write an email to him as i thought writing emails can get to
know him.. besides i may be good in cooking but not baking..

Answer
Hello again Jac!

Ok, if you don't want to back him something, get him a nice thank you card then. There are 1001 ways to thank him for his effort - and get to know him again.

It doesn't matter than you're in Asia. Everyone likes being appreciated.

Further, you're not going to know any of these things if you don't go find out! What you're trying to do is find a zero-risk way of getting this guy and that simply doesn't exist. If you're not willing to take the risks, do nothing and just think of him as a happy memory.

Emails are far, far too impersonal. They are safe and so easy as to seem almost worthless and rude.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"