Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/27/2010

Question
I’m 20 and really bad at flirting. I am a pretty friendly person and get along with just about everyone, but I don’t really know how to change how I talk to guys I am interested in, in comparison to how I talk to everyone else. I am a naturally smiley person, but I am like that with everyone. Although I definitely have a sense of humor, I am not the most witty girl…. Everyone says I'm “just so sweet!” Don’t get me wrong, I like that about myself, but it hasn't been very successful when it comes to guys. Its weird because I can almost feel myself putting up walls (either with body language, how I speak, etc.) and creating invisible lines with people (mainly guys.) I don’t cross these lines and I feel like that is a big part of my problem. Its like I'm shouting “I just want to be friends!” without actually saying it…. And I don’t know how to stop doing that. Does this make sense? I realize that this is counter productive for getting what I want, but I don’t know how to fix it. Thoughts?

Answer
Hello Beth!

Yes, I think I understand what you're asking me here.

Unfortunately, I think you're going after the wrong thing. Learning how to flirt isn't exactly going to solve your problem. Flirting without some resolution - exchanging numbers, setting up a date, etc., is like masturbating without the climax. It just leaves you frustrated.

Something you need to understand about dating in the new millennium is that there are definitely different rules today. Flirting used to be a way of showing interest. Now, it's far more often not even picked up - at least by guys, but girls aren't immune either.

Flirting skills are actually pretty basic and you can even look them up on the internet: making eye contact (holding it and breaking it by looking down and to the side), smiling, touching your arms and shoulders while looking at someone, etc., are all examples of this. The problem is that very few guys today even pick up on any of this!

Thus, you've got to be more overt about things. With that said, it *IS* the new millennium. There's no reason why you can't learn to approach guys yourself! In fact, you have tools that even us guys don't have - and they work incredibly well. You can check out my e-book, "How Women Can Approach Men" on my website (http://BeingAMan.com) for more on this.

So, what's the middle ground? If flirting isn't very effective and approaching yourself is too blunt, what's in between? Answer: being more directed and obvious about things!

Women today are far, far too subtle about their interests in guys. When you meet someone (provided you're throwing off enough signals to say you're approachable in the first place!) if your attitude and body language scream "stay away" that's exactly what you're going to get!

Instead, you want to work on saying "come closer" with everything you do. Your smile should be engaging, not nervous. Your eye contact should be soft and inviting, not threatening. You should turn your body to be direct rather than facing away, etc.

All of these things help to send the signals.

What if the signals aren't getting picked up? You need to learn to read this and respond as well by turning up the heat. Touching is an important factor here. In fact, you can even just say, "You know, it's been fun meeting you and I'd like to do this again. Do you have something to write on, I'll give you my number..."

See how easy that is? Trust me, it's safe, and proven effective.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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