Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/7/2010

Question
Hi Dr. Neder
I have read your answers to other people very carefully and I assume you can see my situation clearly and give me the best advice what to do.
I’ve met recently that guy on internet.  I didn’t have much hope that I’m gonna met anyone interesting on that web site, butI just left my profile on that site because I don’t go out too much and being foreigner I don’t have too many friends here. As I say my profile was there for months and i almost didn’t answer to anyone... until that guy appeared.
I like how he looks but the more fascinating thing for me was when we started to write to each other and excange long letters. Finally i have someone to write to, someone who can undesrtand me, my past, my ideas, my hummor...  I could see that he has similar personality, similar past, similar experiences and hummor... We are both foreigners in the USA and that was another detail where we found each other... He wrote me about his family, his past, his youth, his parents, his life here  and then we organize (after 15 days) our first date.
He flew from another state and when we saw each other (from that very first moment) we started to laugh and we didn’t stop talking and laughing for 6 hours...He said later that he was surpsised how we had good time and forgot that people are around us...
After few hours I took his hand and soon I kissed him first... And we were kissing a lot...
After that he didn’t write any normal letter to me, but he sends me phone mesagges. That was kinda ok for me for frst few days, but after a while I became strange. As more as he sends me erotifc mesages i feel he builds higher and higher walls... It seems that we lost relation we had before when we talked and wrote about everything an when there was something so warm between us...  

I much more person from first part of the story – person who enjoys writing  nice, long, friendly letters, then some horny woman who writres erotic messages to her ’future’ lover...

I’ve read your answers to other women and I was especially thinking about your suggestion to woman to approach to guy... I did that, but now he behave differently and not like a guy I like. Maybe he think h doesn’t have to make any efforts because I showed him I like him?

Also I remember you said in one answer that woman are often lazy thinking  they can win guy with sex and they put themleves down on that way... I know exactly what you thought and I’m afraid this guy can think about me the same...

What do you think about everything? Thank you very much.  

Answer
Hello Elisabeth!

Be careful what you assume!   ;)

I'm sorry to tell you this, but this "relationship" is a total loss. First of all, it's long-distance. That is a problem you're not going to fix unless one of you moves - and does so right away.

The distance has caused you to build up a fantasy of the "perfect relationship" with this guy. It has also caused him to build up the "perfect sexual partner" (you) in his own mind.

You don't see or want the same things.

Elisabeth, first of all you probably live in a large city as do most people in the US. There are probably thousands of great guys all around you every day. Why in the hell are you trying to form something with someone in another state???

That is NEVER, EVER going to work! Trust me, I see this every single day.

Second, he views you as someone he might be able to fly in and have sex with - not a relationship. That has nothing to do with who kissed who first or anything like that. It has everything to do with the futility of your situation! He knows damn well that he can't build a relationship at this distance. Thus, he's going for what he wants instead.

Therein lies your problem. He's not going to change his mind and unless one of you is willing to relocate this week or you're willing to give up your dream of a relationship and become the booty-call instead, this is going nowhere.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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