Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/1/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi,
I am a girl of 22 and I have a crush on a boy, “A”, studying with me at university. The first year (2008) I had hardly noticed him, and it was he who made the first move, the year after (2009). He wished me Happy Birthday on my birthday, and started to sit next to me during lessons.  After a while we began to speak more and study together in the afternoon. I started liking him when he asked me out (it started from a bet on an university thing) and I discovered we were (and are) very similar. We like the same things, have mostly the same opinions, are both atheist, share the same points of wiew on many things. At that time I had a boyfriend (14 yrs older than me), with whom I had been staying  for 6 years. When I told him I had a boyfriend he did not have any immediate reactions, but backed off slightly. We went on studying together, but we became just friends, didn’t go out anymore.  At the end of 2009 I left my boyfriend (not because of this now friend of mine, but for other problems) and “A” and I became closer again, but not like the first time. We hung out sometimes, and he was always there when I was in need. We got to know each other better, and I started to like him even more. But he did not show the same (maybe because he is as good as me in hiding his feelings?). In the attempt of forgetting about him (quite impossible, since we see each other every day) I started dating another guy. Obviously it did not work. “A” was the only one in my mind, but I could not make a step forward because I had the fear of being rejected. Probably he felt the same. This summer  “A” kept texting me very often, even if we were both on holiday in distant places.  We met again last week at his thesis discussion and he showed clear body language that he is still interested in me (such as pointing his body towards me, looking me in the eyes and holding contact, and he also gave me a full lip to cheek kiss when we said goodbye). We have some kind of a “date” for next week (again it started from a bet) and I really want to let him know that I like him, am  free and I’m waiting for him, but without telling him directly. Since we are like it is probable that the situation will freeze again because no one of the two will make the first move. I have never had these problems with the other guys; with this one is frustrating because he is like me. And ironically, that’s why I like him so much.

thanks


ANSWER: Hello!

Wow...this is all so clandestine! "G", "A", "007"! It feels like a crime drama where "... all the names have been changed to protect the innocent..."

You two are real cowards! If nobody is going to make a move, what can I do to help? Does it help to know I care that you two are cowards? No, not so much.

Look: he didn't write to me. If he did, I'd kick his ass for being so dumb! You did, so let me kick your ass instead.

What in the hell are you waiting for??? Are you waiting for some other girl to come along and just scoop him out from under you? Well honey, that's exactly what's about to happen. He's not going to wait for you forever - if you even have any more chance with him.

It's VERY likely that this window has already closed with him! 3 years? Seriously? I have absolutely no idea what you think a relationship is, but trust me on this: they are fragile things. They can't survive constantly battering and years of abuse and neglect and disrespect.

Stop all this torture already! Either decide right here, right now that you're going to move this forward (because he's too much of a coward to do it) and kiss this guy and bang him stupid or let him go so that he can find someone that CAN give him what he deserves if you can't.

Please move this one way or another. This is just cruel to both of you - all because you're both cowards.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thanks for the answer. Yes, I think you're right, and I believe I will make my move and kiss him next week. I just hoped there would have been a different way other than expose me that way! but since it seems to be the only possibility, I'll try to do it (obviously I won't let him to another girl!) and I will blame me for the rest of my life if he rejects me...I have never made the first move with a man, and my previous relationships were simply great... this problem is only with this guy! But I can't let him go. thanks again  

Answer
Hello again!

If you've never made a first move on a guy, what a great chance to learn a new skill! I'm very proud of you for making this decision.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"